Читать книгу Antakarana. Quest in Reality - Татьяна Шуклина - Страница 2

All I can hear now is my own uneven breathing and a deafening heartbeat in my chest. I seem to be suffocating, but it is not a lack of oxygen. Never in my life have I had to experience such deep and woeful despair. I want to hide in a corner, cover my face with hands and sob. Unleash the tears of unspoken pain, guilt and loss – everything I have experienced in the last week. But they stand like a lump in the throat, strangle and tear apart.

«Please let it be a dream! Bad, nightmarish, realistic. Let me wake up in my ordinary life, smell the Sunday pancakes that my mother has been cooking in a frying pan for twenty years…»

But I know for sure that I am not sleeping and everything that happens around is a nightmarish reality. Right now, a choice must be made. Do I really have it? I can still save those who survived, atone for my guilt for those who left. Still able to help those I love. But, God, what a monstrous cost! Do I have a choice? Will I be able to live peacefully with my hands stained with blood?

Each of us is to blame for what happened in this damned place, each made his own contribution: did not think anything over, underestimated, and did not prevent anything. I cannot live with guilt. To see their faces in nightmares, to relive repeatedly their tragedies, their losses and this destructive feeling of complete helplessness. Close my eyes and see their suffering, plug my ears and hear their cries, close my heart and feel their pain. Do I have a choice? THEY claim I do. However, I know better. For the first time in all this time, I know better. The point is I have no choice.

A countdown starts:

«Ten… nine… eight…»

I know what to do. THEY expect this from me.

«Seven… six… five…»

Suddenly the decision is there. The thoughts in my head stop getting confused. I feel confident and calm.

«Four… three… two…»

The last look at those who have become so precious to me during this time.

«Goodbye,» I whisper with my lips alone.

«One…»

I manage to catch my breath and begin to speak in a calm voice, while tears finally find their way out and run unhindered down my cheeks in streams. These are tears of relief. Rivers of deep sorrow and endless anguish.

«My name is Larina Victoria, age 25. Game name Lavina. And I’m ready to tell you the answer to this damn quest game…»