Читать книгу The Struggle is Real, but So is Jesus - Tessa - Страница 8

Chapter 1

I have suffered from depression all my life. In order to cope, I self-medicated with drugs and alcohol. I was a very troubled child and acted out in the most inappropriate ways.

I have always sabotaged everything good that has happened to me. When I was on the verge of succeeding and trying to do the right thing, I was never able to finish anything I started.

I was very rebellious. I contributed a lot of it to being adopted; feeling abandoned even though I was blessed with the best family one could hope for, loving me always unconditionally; and feeling I didn’t deserve it would push them away, hurting them, worrying them. They were so good to me and I had a very normal childhood despite the way I treated my family. They were so undeserving of the way I treated them but never gave up on me. They spent a lot of money and time trying to get me help, which I am forever grateful even though feeling so unworthy of their love.

I punished them for loving me, constantly feeling that negative attention was the best I deserved. But they always tried to give me positive attention.

I truly disappointed them constantly. I always did believe in God but also was very angry with Him and blaming Him for my circumstances, in a way maybe punishing Him for being born with my mental illness.

People were always drawn to me. I had no problem finding love, as I put on a good face always in the beginning. And I don’t believe I was faking it. But like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, as soon as I gained the love and friendship, I would treat them so bad, eventually pushing them away before they could abandon me.

I was never able to treat them well for very long and had my heart broken every time, not realizing I had broken theirs first.

Now I’ll start from the beginning.