Читать книгу The Day the Ear Fell Off - T.M. Alexander - Страница 15

team talk

‘The first thing is we need to be a team,’ said Jonno.

‘You said that already,’ said Bee. ‘We’re mates – of course we’re a team.’

‘Are you? Because I reckon if you’d been working more as a team you’d have had a better chance of getting rid of me. I mean, how good was your plan?’

Jonno looked at us, one at a time. I felt my face go red. I’ve got blond hair and pale skin that turns an unnatural raspberry colour when I feel embarrassed. Fifty started kicking a woodlouse with his shoe. Bee retied her ponytail. Copper Pie kept his head down.

Please someone say something.

No one did. Jonno carried on.

‘Think about it. Copper Pie told me to go away, but no one backed him up – unless Bee’s personal bubble thing was meant to scare me off. Fifty had a go at me in class but Miss Walsh let me off. If you’d made up more lies about me, she’d have thought I was a troublemaker and that would have made things really difficult for me. Same when Bee did it. And when you finally barricaded the way in to your base, all of you working together, one of you broke ranks and ruined what was the best action you’d taken. I was hardly going to body slam the four of you just to sit in the dirt under your tree.’

He made us sound like a bunch of wallies.

‘We’re not used to having to defend ourselves,’ I said, a bit cross at his know-all attitude.

‘But he’s got a point,’ said Fifty. ‘If it was footie and your team had a corner, you’d never score if everyone did their own thing. Every player needs to know what the others are going to do to stand a chance of getting a goal. That’s what you’re saying, isn’t it, Jonno?’

‘Pretty much. If you’d stuck together I’d have probably given up.’

Bee was getting impatient. ‘OK. OK. We’re a rubbish team. But what’s the plan for the ear?’

He had us all waiting with our tongues hanging out. I really believed he was going to unveil a devilishly clever scheme, but instead he said, ‘Simple. We replace it before registration tomorrow.’

‘Great idea!’ said Bee sarcastically. ‘I wonder why I didn’t think of that? We stick this mess back on and everything’s OK. Happy ending.’

‘Perhaps not that exact mess but basically, yes.’

I was getting pretty annoyed but strangely Fifty was smiling.

‘Go on, tell us the magic ingredient in your plan, Merlin,’ he said.

SPECIAL TALENTS

JONNO: Brainwashing people to make them do crazy things.

COPPER PIE: Eating masses of food very fast and not getting fat.

FIFTY: Hide and seek, fits into impossibly small spaces.

BEE: Picking her nose with her tongue AND winning ‘guess the name of the doll’ and ‘how many sweets in the jar’ at EVERY school fair.

KEENER: Remembering phone numbers and car registrations (would make good spy if bit braver).

Jonno shrugged. ‘We make an ear shape out of something else. We cover the doors to make sure no one sees us stick it on. It won’t look great but the “magic”, if there is any, is human nature. As long as the ear is roughly the same shape and colour as the old one, no one will notice because people see what they expect to see. Not what’s really there. It’s a fact.’

‘Are you telling me that if we stick a cauliflower to the side of Charles Stratton’s head no one will realise?’ I said, expecting everyone to laugh.

No one did.

‘As long as the cauliflower’s roughly the right size and colour . . . yes.’ Jonno’s face was completely serious.

‘You’re mad,’ I said.

‘Rugby players have cauliflower ears. They get squashed in the scrum and their ears go bumpy,’ said Copper Pie. We ignored him.

‘Perhaps it’s not mad,’ said Fifty, who had been quite quiet. ‘Have you ever heard your mum say to your dad, “Darling, do you notice anything different about me?”’ He used a squeaky girly voice and ran his fingers through his curls. ‘And your dad stands there with absolutely no idea what she’s on about, and your mum spins round and your dad’s sweating, knowing he hasn’t got a clue, willing his eyes to spot what’s improved or changed colour, or disappeared altogether, and he says, “New haircut? New dress? Facelift?”

‘And she shakes her head and looks annoyed and he tries even harder, “New earrings? No glasses?” (She doesn’t even wear glasses.) “You’ve lost weight?”

‘And finally, before she slams the door in his face, she says, “I’ve had the enormous hairy mole removed from my chin”.’

‘That’s what happened when Dad grew his beard. Mum didn’t notice for weeks,’ said Copper Pie.

‘So do you mean everyone will see our mashed-potato ear or whatever it is, but in their heads they’ll see the old one?’ said Bee.

‘Almost. Although I think the point is that they won’t even see the new ear,’ said Jonno. ‘If you see something everyday you don’t really look at it at all, you just use the picture you have in your head from before.’

‘Please revert to saved image,’ said Fifty, in a robot voice.

‘Cool,’ said Copper Pie.

Amazing. They all believed him. Just like that. All we had to do was put a bit of cauliflower covered with grey mould on the founder’s head and, according to Jonno, it had never happened.

I wasn’t going to make a fuss but I had my doubts.

‘OK. Best material for the ear. Any suggestions?’ said Jonno.

Fifty: ‘Dough.’

Me: ‘Pastry.’

Bee: ‘Blu-Tack.’

Me: ‘I know, that foam that you fill cracks with.’

Copper Pie: ‘Plasticine. Pitta bread.’

Fifty: ‘Cardboard.’

Bee: ‘Rice cakes.’

Fifty: ‘Wet nappies – they look grey.’

Bee: ‘A shell.’

Copper Pie: ‘Bogies.’

Bee took over. ‘Zip it. All of you.’ We all did what she said. We usually do. ‘I have no idea how to make an ear —’

‘Nor me,’ said Copper Pie.

Bee looked at me, Fifty and Jonno. ‘So why don’t you three make one while you’re here at Keener’s for tea?’

‘Fine by me,’ I said.

‘Same,’ said Fifty.

‘Good. That means we can concentrate on working out how we get the thing stuck on without being seen,’ said Bee.

‘What time does school open?’ asked Jonno.

Copper Pie looked at his watch. ‘Oh no! I’m meant to be home. I’ve got to go.’

‘A few minutes won’t make any difference. And anyway, I’ll come with you. Your mum never shouts when I’m there,’ said Bee.

‘Yes, she does.’

‘Well, she might not today.’

‘So when does school open?’ I said. I’m never there till just before the bell.

‘Quarter past eight,’ said Copper Pie. He gets in early to avoid all the babies arriving at his house. His mum runs a nursery on the bottom floor and they do their living in the top two.

‘OK,’ said Jonno. ‘Let’s meet at eight-fifteen at the end of that alley near —’

‘No. Not the alley,’ we all said before he could finish.

‘Make it the bus stop,’ said Bee.

Jonno looked confused but changed the plan anyway. ‘OK.’

‘Agreed, said Bee. ‘But then what?’

‘First thing is to make sure no one comes in while we’re fixing Stratton’s hearing aid, so how about this: we spill some water and then guard the doors and tell everyone who tries to come in, “The floor’s slippery so go round the back, please”.’

Not bad, but . . .

‘What if a teacher comes along, or the Head?’ I asked.

‘They never do,’ said Copper Pie. ‘The back door’s nearer the car park and they go straight up the back stairs to the staffroom to down double-strength coffee before they have to face us.’

‘But what about the ones who come on the bus . . . or walk?’ I asked.

‘We could try and send them round the back,’ said Bee. ‘And if they insist on coming in we show them the water . . . I suppose.’ She looked at Jonno – surely bossy Bee wasn’t checking to see what he thought.

‘That would work fine,’ said Jonno. ‘All their concentration will be on the wet floor, which will stop them looking at the statue. And if anyone’s coming through, whoever’s guarding the door can shout something like, “Don’t slip, Miss,” as a warning, so the ear surgeons have time to get away from Charlie Stratton before they’re caught.’

‘What if we’re told off for playing with water?’ said Fifty. ‘Hey, do you remember that water tray we had in Reception with the sailing boats?’

‘Grow up, Fifty,’ said Bee. ‘We can say we think it was the cleaners who did it.’

‘Sounds good to me. All bases covered. I’ve got to go. Come on, Bee.’ Copper Pie was up and ready to run.

‘Hang on,’ said Bee. ‘Who’s doing what?’

‘I’m always there early so I’ll guard the main door.’ Copper Pie’s suggestion got nods all round.

‘Makes sense. People are used to seeing you hanging around,’ Fifty said.

‘And me?’ said Bee.

‘How many other ways are there to get to the statue?’ Jonno asked.

‘Well, the stairs, obviously,’ she said. ‘And the canteen, but no one goes there first thing, so it’s really just if someone comes in the back door and doesn’t head for the staff room. I can cover both.’

‘Excellent,’ said Jonno. ‘Best to be prepared.’

‘Looks like I’m water monitor then,’ said Fifty.

‘So we’re on ear duty,’ said Jonno, looking at me.

‘Right. Off we go then.’

Copper Pie grabbed Bee’s arm but before they could skedaddle Jonno said, ‘Hey! Put it there,’ and held his hand out. Copper Pie slapped his hand down on top – it made a thwack. Bee did the same.

‘Come on, guys,’ said Jonno.

My hand joined the tower, then Fifty’s. Jonno moved his hand up and down and counted, ‘One, two, three’, and then pushed all our hands up really hard so they flew high in the air.

‘See you tomorrow,’ we all said.

Tea was ready.

‘Have you got a best friend?’ asked Flo.

‘Yes, but he lives miles away in Scotland,’ said Jonno.

‘What’s his name?’

‘He’s called Ravi.’

‘That’s the name for pasta,’ she said.

‘That’s rude, Flo,’ I said.

She ignored me.

‘Have you got a sister? asked Flo.

‘No. There’s only me,’ Jonno answered. ‘I’d like one though.’

‘Trust me, you wouldn’t,’ I said.

‘Don’t be mean, Keener,’ said Fifty. ‘Flo’s an excellent sister. Look, she can make Play-Doh pigs.’ He pointed at the little models she’d arranged round her plate.

‘They’re not pigs, they’re babies,’ she said. ‘Muuuum! Fifty said my babies are . . .’

We bolted our food and escaped to get on with ear creation in my room.

I put away all my special models whenever someone comes round because I’d rather no one touched them, but because I hadn’t had any advance warning, they were all laid out on the floor in their special positions. I’ve got a whole army of vehicles with different weapons. We had to tiptoe carefully between them. Jonno was really interested. They’re all either Lego or made from junk. I showed him where the Spitfire is going to sit when it’s ready. He picked up my Deathmobile. I didn’t want him to but he was really careful so I forgot to be bothered and explained how the missiles fly out from underneath instead. He had a go at shooting Fifty, who was swinging in my hammock, but he hit my skimboard by mistake.

‘Cool board,’ Jonno said. ‘Can you surf?’

‘I can, but I like skimming better.’

He’d never heard of it, so I said we’d take him with us next time my dad and I had a boy’s trip to Devon.

Eventually Fifty reminded us we were meant to be ear making.

‘Right. What shall we use?’ I said.

We started another long list of rubbish suggestions: cotton wool, tofu, mushrooms, buy a joke ear . . .

‘STOP!’ shouted Fifty. ‘We’re getting nowhere. How about we each have a go on our own and see which one’s best?’

‘Fine by me,’ I said.

‘OK,’ said Jonno.

We decided to bring our three ears into school and let the group pick the winner. I was quite looking forward to a bit of sculpture.

The doorbell rang. Mum shouted up to us, Jonno ran down, shouted ‘Bye’ and was gone.

‘I’m glad he went first,’ I said.

‘Why? He’s OK I think,’ said Fifty.

‘It’s not him. I just don’t know how I’m going to get to school by quarter past eight. Mum always drops me off.’

‘We could walk together.’

‘Will your mum let you?’

He chewed his lip. ‘Well . . . she will if our class are having a walk-to-school day.’

‘But we’re not.’

‘Looks like we are now,’ he said.