Читать книгу The Columns (Volume One) - Tracy Lorenz - Страница 10

By Tracy K. Lorenz

I just got back from a trip to Taco Bell at noon. No one, ever, should have to go to Taco Bell at noon. A good reason to stay in college is so you can become an executive and eat at a time that isn’t noon at a place that isn’t Taco Bell.

The problem is the people in line are, well, idiots. They’ve been standing there for fifteen minutes and yet when the person behind the counter asks them what they’d like to eat the customer acts as if it’s a pop quiz, like they had no idea “May I help you” was on the horizon. They look up at the menu and squint and then ask “What’s in a bean burrito?” Seriously, the woman in front of me asked that. I wonder if when she goes to Wesco she asks what’s in a blueberry muffin?

Here’s the thing about Taco Bell; it’s all the same food only in different shapes. If it’s curved it’s a taco, if it’s flat it’s a Mexican pizza, if it’s crunched up it’s nacho’s. IT’S ALL THE SAME!!!!!

So the lady who didn’t know what was in a bean burrito placed her order, moved a couple steps to her left to wait for her order, and when the guy brings out her order she denies it’s hers. She got this weird look on her face and said “I didn’t order that.” So the cashier took the lady’s receipt, looked at it and said “Yes you did.” And burrito lady responds “Well that’s not what I wanted” and then walked away in anger holding her tray.

Lucky for me I was between her and the woman behind me. The woman behind me was a nurse and was the classic fast food line fake out artist. You see one woman, but she’s actually ordering lunch for three hundred of her co-workers. But here’s the cool part, she did it from memory by looking up at the menu, “Um…I need two beef soft taco’s…and, um,…six hard shell taco’s, two with no tomato,…um….” And then when she got done and the cashier was reading the order back to her she pulled a list out of her pocket to cross reference! Here’s an idea, why not just read from the list to start with and reduce the margin for error. She was a nurse for gosh sakes, she should be concerned about the blood pressure of those poor saps steaming in line behind her.

But yesterday’s foray doesn’t even crack my top ten Fast Food Fiascos. I was at a McDonald’s in Grand Rapids when they ran out of hamburger. I was at a KFC on 28^th street when they ran out of chicken. I was at another McDonald’s in Jenison, at noon, when they had ONE woman working the counter. There must have been thirty five people waiting in line, when I finally got up to the counter I said “Why don’t you get more help at the register?” and she, I swear to God, replied “We’re never busy at noon.”

Perhaps my favorite fast food memory is when I went to some now defunct Mexican chain (it might have been Ole’ Taco’s) in Grandville. I was with guys from work and one of the guys, Ken Fusee, placed his order and the server said “Would you like Spanish rice with that?” Ken, who appeared uncertain about the question said ‘What do I do with Spanish rice?” to which the server replied “You can stick it up your ass for all I care.” It was not the response we were expecting.

Luckily I don’t eat fast food (at noon anyway) nearly as often as I used to. It has nothing to do with the nutritional level of the food, it has to do with my stress level when surrounded by people who don’t know what’s in a bean burrito. It’s stress like that which could ultimately send a habitual fast food eater straight to the…Mayo Clinic.