Читать книгу The Columns (Volume One) - Tracy Lorenz - Страница 5

By Tracy K. Lorenz

Last week I was walking from my car to a Joan Jett concert (a sentence I’m not particularly proud to write) and my route took me through the carnival midway. I now know where the people too ugly to shop at WalMart hang out. But as I was walking I caught the scent of Ban de Sole suntan lotion on the woman in front of me and it triggered a memory.

Back in the days when radio was still locally owned they (the radio stations) would have goofy contests to help promote their business. At that time the undisputed king of radio promotions was WTRU 1600 on your AM dial. Durng one of the first years of the failed Lumbertown Music Festival WTRU had a contest to win a car. The contest was called the “Jell-O Jump”.I had just gotten my drivers license and a car would come in handy, a free car would be handiest of all. I signed up for the contest along with my friends Jeff DePouw and Mark Schaab. Back then the carnival midway was set up in the parking lot at The Mart Dock. The Jell-O jump would take place at the carnival’s entrance near the railroad tracks on a clear but chilly Saturday morning.

But it was still a car and we were there so what the heck, a little Jell-O never hurt anyone.

When I heard about the Jell-O jump here’s what I pictured: A giant pool full of Jell-o and car keys. The disc-jockey would count down from three and everyone would jump into the pool and search for the winning key!

Not even close.

Instead of a pool they had a dumpster. It was a clean dumpster but a dumpster nonetheless. Inside the dumpster was a substance that in no way, shape, or form was Jell-O. It was red, I’ll give them that, but it wasn’t solid. I think the theory was they’d fill a dumpster with water, dump in the powdery mix, add a bunch of ice and “Shazam!” Jell-O would form. Instead it was “Shazam!” slime! Really cold slime.

One look at the concoction and The Schaaby bailed. He was already driving a purple AMC Gremlin, he didn’t need another abomination in his driveway.

There was no “countdown” either. One at a time a person would walk up a ladder and jump into the mixture of water and ground-up horse hooves. Because the Jell-O wasn’t really Jell-O all the keys sunk to the bottom which meant unless you had arms like Manute Bol you had to submerge yourself to find a key. When you found a key you were helped out of the dumpster and lead to an area where the disk jockeys sprayed you down with a garden hose.

For a used Chevy Citation.

Jeff and I decided to hang back a bit and that was a good move, each person who exited the dumpster wicked away enough liquid in their clothes and hair that by the time it was our turn the liquid was only about shin deep. I remember fishing around like I was hunting for clams and the disk jockey yelling at me to submerge. I was like, “Dude, look at that car and then think about what you’re asking me to do.”

Eventually I found a key with my foot. I went to the rinse area, took the hose from the guy and rinsed off my legs and arms. I compared my key to Jeff’s, I had a Chevy key, Jeff had a house key. At least I knew I had one guy beat.

When the last of the 98 other contestants had emerged with a key we were lined up by the car, whoever had the key that opened the locked door was the winner. It wasn’t me, it was a guy named Richard Haggie. I have no idea why I remember the guy’s name but I’m sure winning the car was a life altering moment for him. My friends and I drove home in the Gremlin, sticky but none the worse for wear. Okay, so we didn’t win the car but on the plus side we didn’t win the car. We still had a memorable experience, Jeff and I didn’t chicken out, and I learned that when hopping into a dumpster full of Jell-O it’s best to wait until the liquid is less than…mid way.