Читать книгу The Columns (Volume One) - Tracy Lorenz - Страница 11

By Tracy K. Lorenz

My son Q started Pre-school last week and, I must admit, I didn’t even know what preschool was. I dropped him off at the same place I do every day but for some reason when I dropped him off last Monday it was “Pre-school” as opposed to “Daycare”.

A parent was supposed to attend this grand event and interact with their child in some liberal-dream manner and I was the parent of choice. So we walk in and BOOM! he’s off to play with his friends just like every other kid in the room, they didn’t want to interact with their parents, they wanted to interact with each other as God intended. This left a bunch of parents standing there wondering how long we had to look enchanted before we could split.

But one thing in that room caught my eye. It was a single orange chair, smack in the middle of the room. Above the chair was a sign with a frowning face on it and the words “Better Choice Chair”.

Apparently giving a kid a “time out” was too damaging and has been replaced by the Better Choice Chair. What’s next, the “Don’t Eat Paste Whirlpool”? How about the “Stop Running in the Halls Full Body Massage”?

The problem I have with the Better Choice Chair is is it really all that different from sitting a kid in the corner with a dunce cap on? Do you think any kid is going to feel good about sitting in the penalty box while his friends play around him? I’d rather have a teacher give my kid a little smack on the butt than sit him in the Better Choice Chair.

So I looked back over the last week and thought of some other people who could maybe benefit from the BCC.

Serena Williams: Tennis used to be a game of class and elegance, I think once the words “I’m going to shove this @##%ing ball down your %$#%ing throat” echo off the walls at Flushing Meadows the class and elegance ship has sailed and when I say “sailed“ I mean sailed like a Miami Vice cigarette boat.

What I thought was interesting was the only excuse I heard her give was a shoulder shrug and then she said something to the effect of “Hey, I’m from Compton.” Now can you imagine what would happen if an announcer said that? “John, can you believe what we just heard!” “Well, she is from Compton.”

That guys career would look like the Hindenburg.

Kanye West: Kanye must have forgotten that he was somebody ten years ago. In case you’ve been in a coffin for the past week and missed it, Kanye hopped up on stage and grabbed the microphone away from country singer Taylor Swift and announced that Taylor didn’t deserve the award for best video of the year (the fact that the person singing in the video has NOTHING to do with the making of the video is incidental) because Beyonce had the greatest video of all time. I’m trying to imagine what would have happened if Garth Brooks would have jumped up and grabbed the microphone away from Beyonce and announced that Taylor Swift deserved the award. I suspect there may have been violence. In any event Kanye could use some chair time.

Mike Illitch: The Detroit Tiger’s owner who decided to pay Magglio Ordonez $18,000,000 next season. Magglio was once one of the most feared hitters in baseball. “Once” being the operative word. Now he’s a slap hitter who, at best, is a double play waiting to happen. Mr. Illitch, have a seat.

Rep. Joe Wilson: “You lie!” That may be true, but you should still have more class than to yell it at the President. If someone decided to yell out every time a sitting president, this one in particular, said something shaky the frickin’ speech would last well into the first part of CSI: New York. Now you, as a Congressman, should know that people don’t want to hear such nonsense. They’d much rather live in a dream world and watch our country get dismantled before their very eyes. Joe, get in the chair but don’t stay there very long.

Kate Gosselin: How did this woman’s name get in my head? I’ve never seen the show “John and Kate Plus 8”, I have no idea what it’s about and I don’t care about her or her husband. So why must she spend time in the BCC? Have you seen the woman’s hair?

The list could go on, I suppose., but these five sort of separated themselves from the pack. I don’t feel sorry for any of them, they’re all grown-ups, they all know better, and when it comes to their actions I guess they got what they de…served.