Читать книгу The Essential Ingredient - Love - Tracy Madden - Страница 11

Chilli inhaled deeply, the fragrance of the two organic chickens roasting in the oven was heavenly. Her hands had enjoyed the ritual of massaging the organic butter into the chicken’s skin. In the past, preparing food for the people she loved, had bought her joy. It was good to have that feeling back. To others, what may have been seen as a simple task, selecting the plumpest organic chickens, the most aromatic rosemary, and the firmest juiciest lemons, today had bought her inestimable pleasure.

Oven mitts on, she removed the chickens from the oven, and liberally drizzled them with natural bush honey to encourage a beautiful shiny glaze.

Earlier, she had prepared the flourless chocolate cake with its swirls of ganache, lusciously dark and creamy, blanketing the rich, moist cake. Her father was like her - there could never be enough chocolate. He even had a joke that he repeatedly shared with her; “What was better than a latte with a piece of fudge? A latte with two pieces of fudge.” Each time he told it he’d roar with laughter, as if it was the first time he’d ever said it, and she’d smile with amusement at him laughing.

Chilli glanced at the clock. There was enough time for her to have a lazy bath before she had to prepare the couscous.

She lit aromatic candles and ran the water in the over-sized tub. Switching off the lights she slowly lowered her weary, sore body into the deliciously warm water. It had taken until that moment for her to realise how sore she was. Muscles, she didn’t even know she had, were beginning to let her know that they existed. Her fingers brushed at the beads of moisture forming on the hand cut mosaic tiles. Rob had always liked the shades of celadon green, crystal and soft turquoise. He said it made the bathroom feel like a relaxing haven. And then she brushed at her cheek, wiping a single lone tear away.

She knew today meant she was moving on, but moving on felt as if she was being disloyal to him, maybe even forgetting him. She knew in her heart that that would never happen. But she was scared. And lonely. She missed simple things. Things she’d never even thought of until they were gone. The sound of his heartbeat was one of those things she’d taken for granted. The feeling of his warm arms around her, her head resting against his chest and there it was, the thump, thumping of that beautiful heart. Shivering, she shook her head. The realisation that his heart would never beat again, and that she would never hear it again, overwhelmed her with grief and frustration; frustration and sadness for the things that he would never experience or share with her, because he was gone. She balled her hands into fists. How was she meant to get used to that? How?

And once again, she gave into grief’s wild ride, knowing that she had to try harder for those who loved her, but telling herself, that in private she could do as she damn well pleased.

After a while, she took a few deep breaths and attempted to calm herself. Paris would be a good thing. Funny, Paris had always been hers, never Robs. Even after they were married and had Sam, Grand-mere Celeste had still taken her to France. She and Rob had travelled, extensively in fact, but never to Paris. It had been only two years ago when she’d finally insisted to Rob that she wanted to show him her Paris and all of her special places. They’d put it off, becoming entangled in Montgomery’s. They thought they had years to do it.

But to go with her mother now was huge. Her mother had never been the tiniest bit interested in accompanying them to France in the past. If anything, she’d almost had a dislike of it.

Why now?

The delicious aroma of chicken and rosemary wafted into the bathroom. Gingerly, she climbed out and dried her aching body. She readied herself quickly, before going down to lay the table on the outside terrace.

The finishing touches were being put to the couscous as her parents arrived. “You can smell that all the way out on the footpath,” her father said, greeting her with a kiss on the cheek. “You look like you’ve outdone yourself!”

“Wait until you’ve tasted it!” she told him, happily piling succulent chicken on top of pinenut and raisin couscous.

Her father leant forward and took a tiny morsel of crispy honey coated chicken skin and popped it in his mouth, murmuring with sounds of enjoyment.

Solange rolled her eyes at him and smiled at her daughter. “You seem different tonight Chilli.”

Without looking up, Chilli nodded, continuing to pile the chicken onto the white platter. “I have been gone for a while, haven’t I?” She smiled wistfully at her parents. Jack reached out and drew her into his embrace and kissed the top of her head. Tongs still in her hand, she briefly relaxed against him, telling herself that there were not to be anymore tears. Not one! Finished! Over! Well, maybe occasionally, but not too often.

Swallowing, she spoke quickly. “Okay, now I have to give Sam and Miranda a quick call for them to pop down and pick up their dinner.”

“What on earth for?” Solange asked. “Goodness they have a whole restaurant.”

“Yes, I know, but sometimes Sam needs a break from the kitchen and you know I love preparing food for those that I love... and it’s been a while lately, so...” She shrugged.

*

When he arrived, Sam had exciting news to tell. His best mate, Jason, had just announced his engagement to Sarah, and wished to have the engagement party at Montgomery’s.

“Oh yeah Mum, he said to make sure you hold the night free as well. Apparently you’re invited.”

“Oh that’s lovely. Sarah is perfect for him.” Chilli had met Sarah a couple of times now and thought the two an ideal couple. Rob had always said... She had to stop doing that. It didn’t matter what he’d said now did it? Well anyway, Chilli knew he would have been pleased for Jason.

*

Without asking Jack, Chilli leant across and served him another piece of thigh meat and a generous serving of the flavoursome couscous. Just watching him eat gave her a huge amount of satisfaction.

“Mum, how about we go to Paris in a couple of months time, straight after Jason’s engagement party?” Chilli placed her knife and fork together. “I’ll make a pot of tea and bring dessert out, shall I? Then we can sit out here and discuss our plans.”

While in the kitchen, she could hear her parents talking in softened voices outside. She wondered what they were up to now. With the rich chocolate cake sitting on a cut crystal stand, she roamed back out through the French doors. It was a balmy evening out and perfect for their celebratory dinner.

Jack stood. “Okay girls this is where I am going to love you and leave you. Dear girl you don’t mind if I take my cake and tea into the living room and put the rugby on? Oh, and make that a large piece please,” he said patting his already full stomach.

“Of course, but don’t you want to help us make our arrangements?” she asked passing him a generous slice.

“I’ll leave that up to the two of you. You can fill me in later.”

Chilli watched her father leave and then turned to her mother. “I can’t believe after all this time you want to go to France with me. Grand-mere Celeste and I asked you countless times and you always said you weren’t interested,” she said, putting a fine sliver of cake into her mouth. “What’s happened?”

“I haven’t wanted to go before this, but now I think the timing is right. And I think that it would be a good thing for you dear. France has always made you happy. I want you to find more of that there. To be honest, I would have suggested we go together sooner, but I don’t think that you’ve been ready.” Letting her words sink in, Solange sipped the hot tea. The two women sat in silence for a while.

“It’s so hard Mum, every little step I take forward I feel guilty.” Chilli shook her head. “I don’t want Rob to think that I am forgetting him.” Her chin quivered, and nervously she rubbed her hands together.

“I know dear, but do you honestly think that he would want you to suffer? I’ve never seen a man adore a woman more than he adored you. You have to go forward, not only yourself but for Sam too. He’s got such huge shoes to walk in and I see him trying.” She sighed heavily. “He worries about you, and all the while he’s grieving himself.” Solange leant across and patted Chilli’s hand.

“I know, I know. This trip will be perfect. It’ll give Sam a break from worrying about me, on top of everything else. Don’t think I haven’t noticed.” Refilling her mother’s cup, she changed the subject. “But, why now? You’ve never wanted to go before.”

Solange took a moment before speaking.

“I knew one day I would have this chat with you and I could never envision when it would be. But now, I think that the timing is right for me to tell you.”

Chilli watched her mother’s face as she struggled to find the right words.

Finally Solange began to explain. “I know that it was no secret to you that my mother and I had a fairly strained relationship.” She paused momentarily and looked down, squeezed her hands together and then continued. “When I was a teenager, I found a wedding certificate that showed that my mother was pregnant before my parents married.” Solange pursed her lips and a momentary flicker of sadness crossed her face.

“Well, that seems to run in the family,” Chilli stated a little dryly. “It’s not exactly the end of the world Mum. I know that times were different then but…”

Solange put her hand up. “Chilli, hear me out.” She paused. “I had always known that my father hadn’t known my mother long before they married, in fact the truth is they only knew each other briefly. The man I knew as my father was not my father. Some other man was.”

“Goodness!” Chilli stopped with her fork half way to her mouth. “Do you think that Grandpa knew?”

Slowly Solange nodded. “Yes, he did. I had a terrible row with my mother and I can’t even tell you everything that happened, it was so long ago. I think I have blocked a lot of it out. But I know that not only did I hurt my mother, I hurt my father as well. That, I will never forget. Really, he rescued my mother, and I think that it was love at first sight for him. I strongly believe that she learnt to love him, but I know that she didn’t in the beginning. We had such a strained relationship for so long, it was dreadful.” Solange’s eyes were downcast and she was playing with a thread on her napkin.

Never had Chilli seen this side of her mother and was quite stunned with the revelation. “I always knew that things were unusual between you two, but I was never sure why. You seemed to have a better relationship though in the later years of Grand-mere’s life, didn’t you?” she asked, still trying to absorb what her mother had told her.

Solange nodded. “Yes, we did. Finally, she felt she was able to talk to me and explain everything. The older you get the more you mellow, the more you understand that mistakes are made and you have to forgive and get on with living. My poor mother spent her whole life, never recovering from a broken heart, living with a man who loved her more than she loved him, and her daughter being angry with her. I now know she did the best she knew at the time.”

“Did you find out anything at all about your real father?”

“A little. Your grandmother told me enough for me to know that it was her first love and she loved him very much. His name was Jean Pierre...”

Chilli interrupted. “Oh Mum, I can’t believe it, now it makes sense. Do you remember years ago when Rob bought Kitty home? I rang Grand-mere Celeste to tell her, and quite frankly, I thought she was rather odd. She asked me to name the little pug Jean Pierre because it was a lovely name. She said that she had once known someone by that name, and would like to hear it again. I thought the old darling was getting old and a little mixed up. Obviously she was more than likely just thinking out aloud. She must have loved him until the end.”

“Yes, I think she did, and that didn’t really help with our relationship because I always wanted her to love my father more. I always felt that he had been dealt the short straw.” Solange looked pensive. “Do you know he once said to me that I worried far too much, he knew what he had gotten himself into, and he had been more than rewarded with your grandmother and me.”

“I still don’t understand why that stopped you going to France all these years?”

“Well, I know it sounds crazy, but I felt disloyal to your grandfather. I had been raised to think that I was French Australian. Suddenly, when I found out I was French through and through, I fought against it. I wanted to be Australian for my father. I shunned anything French. I wanted to hurt my mother for hurting my father. With age comes wisdom, and I have realised they had it all worked out. Relationships are very private things. I should have stayed out of it. When my mother first returned to France with you, after my father died, I felt like she couldn’t wait to race back there to find her first love. In time I realised that was not the case. She really wanted to show you France and she needed to return to her own roots. It was who she was. As much as she never got over loving Jean Pierre, I believe she stayed loyal to my father to the end. It is what she told me and it is important for me to believe that.

“Chilli sometimes we carry the scars of our parents for our whole lives. I don’t want to do that anymore. I have no wish to go to France to find out anything about my birth father. I had a wonderful father here, but I do wish to experience more of France, mainly because my mother was French and she has so inspired you to be the person you are today.”

Chilli felt tears well in her eyes. She realised that maybe this was why her mother had so much trouble showing affection. She was always holding something back.

“No more tears my dear, you’ve had enough.” Solange gave Chilli a brief hug. It wasn’t warm like Jack’s but Chilli knew her mother gave all she had to give.