| Oh, what a fund of joy jocund lies hid in harmless hoaxes! What keen enjoyment springs From cheap and simple things! What deep delight from sources trite inventive humour coaxes, That pain and trouble brew For every one but you! Gunpowder placed inside its waist improves a mild Havana, Its unexpected flash Burns eyebrows and moustache. When people dine no kind of wine beats ipecacuanha, But common sense suggests You keep it for your guests— Then naught annoys the organ boys like throwing red hot coppers. And much amusement bides In common butter slides; And stringy snares across the stairs cause unexpected croppers. Coal scuttles, recollect, Produce the same effect. A man possessed Of common sense Need not invest At great expense— It does not call For pocket deep, These jokes are all Extremely cheap. If you commence with eighteenpence—it's all you'll have to pay; You may command a pleasant and a most instructive day. A good spring gun breeds endless fun, and makes men jump like rockets— And turnip heads on posts Make very decent ghosts. Then hornets sting like anything, when placed in waistcoat pockets— Burnt cork and walnut juice Are not without their use. No fun compares with easy chairs whose seats are stuffed with needles— Live shrimps their patience tax When put down people's backs. Surprising, too, what one can do with a pint of fat black beetles— And treacle on a chair Will make a Quaker swear! Then sharp tin tacks And pocket squirts— And cobbler's wax For ladies' skirts— And slimy slugs On bedroom floors— And water jugs On open doors— Prepared with these cheap properties, amusing tricks to play Upon a friend a man may spend a most delightful day. W. S. Gilbert. |
