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MUSLIMS SERVE UP THE BEST CRACK IN LONDON | BY ANDY CAPPER PHOTO BY ALEX STURROCK

Published February 2006

Britain’s cocaine intake has skyrocketed since Oasis made every idiot in dear old Blighty want a bit of the blow. That’s why the quality’s gone down. Dealers now sell it to marketing girls at mobile-phone companies or 15-year-old middle-class car thieves up to 30 times a day. The real junkies, aka their best customers, can’t get high from the shit that these amateurs are willing to buy. Hence, crack cocaine use has risen 87 percent in the last three years. You heard me right. It’s the fault of Oasis that London is now full of blue-lipped crack fiends.

More crack buyers means more crack dealers. The crack-dealing chain was once made up almost exclusively of Yardies, scousers, and East End gangsters. But recently, fundamentalist Muslim gangs, some of whom employ children as young as two years old, are strong-arming their way into the business.

These are the cheery fellows who buy war-atrocity videos and feel empathy for the people who blew working-class folks to little pieces with bombs made out of Jean-Paul Gaultier cologne (they chose it because it comes in metal cans and when it explodes, the shrapnel darts out of the bomb like an X-Men weapon).

Yardie crack dealers did things the old way. They’d get boys to come around to their scary house, which always smelled like someone stuffed an old sock with cheese, and they’d give them baggies of crack to sell. However, the dealers were always nervous going to pick up their wares because a lot of the time those houses were being stalked. The constant ragga parties and prostitutes knocking on the door at 7:30 AM were sort of a giveaway.

The Muslim crack-dealer gangs are a lot more savvy, and they’re undercutting the Yardies and making the crack trade their own. In east London there’s a place called Brick Lane. It’s often referred to as Curry Mile. An Indian feast there costs almost nothing, and you can’t help but think, “How can they afford to employ all these people and maintain the rent money?” The answer is because they’re stealing the crack-dealer runners away from the Yardies by giving them drug pouches like the picture you see here, and even occasionally performing fellatio on them! There’s almost no chance of getting arrested when you’re buying a samosa from a Brick Lane curry house. Not even if the samosa is stuffed with 35 bags of crack and heroin. The police are so nervous about descending on Muslims (hence the July 7 bombings) that crack dealers are getting all their shit from them. Peace!

It costs about £250 for a crack dealer to buy a samosa or onion bhaji stuffed with white and brown. They can make a £200 profit on that. Can you blame them?

The 15-year-old Muslim who sold us this samosa told us, “The Koran forbids lots of things. If you are a Westerner that’s all you see—the restrictions on women and the strict rules about diet. Westerners can’t comprehend the code because it’s been so mis-represented by the media. In reality, the Koran is the most honest guide to life you could ever have. It’s forbidden to lie, but if you are lying to combat infidels then lying is OK. In the same way, we look at the way we are profiting from this trade and at the same time, poisoning weak infidels and ultimately destroying their lives, and we are thankful to God. It’s perfect. We like it because we consider it jihad and they like it because they are tripping their fucking balls off.” Hey-ooooh!

This story was printed in our Lies Issue and is a big fat lie. Did you really think that crack was getting sold in samosas?”

Worst omelette ever. Thanks, rimonabant. Photo by Maggie Lee