Читать книгу Note: To read before the wedding - Yury Gurkov - Страница 14

You should know some very important moments without which your success in self – cultivation, your possible right choice of the happiness, your progress in general, in many ways in life will be impossible or reduced to a minimum.

There is a threshold in relationships that needs to be stepped over. You need to outstep in your intelligence figuratively beyond only your interests in order to see your beloved one better. But not from the outside, as you are used to, but from the inside. It is about learning to understand his actions and the reasons why he does so. Why does he yell if you, for example, remind him of the same request for the tenth time? Why does he always make you responsible for each of his mistakes at work and at home? Why is he always smarter and you are on the contrary? Then it will not be difficult to see your relationship in the future, after the wedding.

IT IS ABOUT LEARNING TO UNDERSTAND HIS ACTIONS AND THE REASONS WHY HE DOES SO.

For example, your boyfriend gets hot under the collar if you slam the door of his car loudly. Perhaps many girls learn a lot about themselves when this situation sometimes happens.

“Don't slam the door”, – is the softest version you can hear every time. Obviously, men love their cars more than their chosen one. They often forget who is in front of them and that they recently called their sweetie ‘honey’ or ‘darling’. Why does your man suddenly forget this? Why does it happen split – second?

There are some reasons. You just have to learn to recognize them. And the easiest way to begin to distinguish – is in minutes of a sharp change in intonation, aggressive shouts, raising the voice, in situations when he arrogantly teaches or reproaches you, when your boyfriend becomes a “stranger”.

Anna, the woman with whom I worked, was very irritated and could not calm down for a long time if customers promised to send an email response in an hour but they sent it in 3 or 4 hours. Or it was about couriers who were late for the appointed time. If someone did not keep their promise, Anna would start to grumble, get angry, and could not continue working without being oppressed. Employees who were more resistant to stress at work, those who were nearby, tried to calm her down, saying: “Do not pay attention, it is not doom and gloom” or "the driver was late because he was in traffic” or "the ticket booking service probably has a lot of orders, they will send the reservation before the end of the working day” etc.

But Anna seemed to be in the squared ring in a hitfest with her worst enemy and she could not control herself, she could not keep calm. It was clear that the reason for such mental breakdowns existed but it was difficult to understand it. Anna was 36 years old, recently married for the first time, she had no children. She had a bachelor degree and was scrupulous at work. Anna did everything she promised. She did everything exactly on time and constantly stressed the importance of this. She scolded people for not fulfilling their promises.

In one of these ‘calmative’ conversations with her, Anna told me a story from her childhood. A boy in kindergarten gave another girl a doll. Then this boy switched and began to take care of Anya. And then one day he promised to bring her a doll. He said that tomorrow he would give it to her but he did not bring it so he did not give it. Anya was very upset and offended. She was offended so much that at her 36 years she would lose the serenity of mind if she met unfulfilled promises like to do something or to do something on time. The doll that was not given to her formed a strong resentment. Now a hidden reason in her heart is bothering her and those around her. “Why did he promise”, – this question had a chip on her shoulder in her offended brain. Now she asks this question everywhere. She is irritated. And also she justifies her resentment with this.

If the husband did not have time to notice this point in Anna before the wedding, then he would regularly hear this reproach at home now. After all, a common everyday life is about nothing but households. There may be a million or more such situations. The husband has two options within the family: to do everything by the promised deadline or to calm the spouse every time if he does not have time or does not do it at all.

It would seem here just like a trifle, unnoticed in a relationship before the registry office. You have to know that it can greatly affect the atmosphere of many family evenings. A husband who comes home tired after a working day can receive a “gift” in the form of an irritated wife who expresses her reproaches instead of saying: “Hello, my beloved! How was your work day? Are you tired? I have a delicious dinner ready for you, please wash your hands, everything is already set on the table.”

And if there are more than one of these reasons, if there are many such things in her head? What will happen if Anna goes off on her husband in this way every day? Will they be happy and pleased with their marriage? How long will the husband be able to tolerate such “pirouettes” from Anna? And after all, this is only her individuality, her challenges and what about her husband? He also has something in his “trunk”. He is a person with his own inner demons. And yet, during the family life, each of the spouses can acquire additional habits that are not compatible with a comfortable relationship. There would be no escape from this – you are already under one roof.

THE MORE YOU GET TO KNOW HIM BEFORE THE WEDDING, THE STRONGER YOUR ALLIANCE WILL BE.

So, your practical way of choosing a husband is (in addition to what you have already known) to understand what kind of person he is, his complexes, the reasons for his irritability, anger, isolation – in everything negative that you may come against. The more you get to know him before the wedding, the stronger your alliance will be. That is why many girls after a few years of marriage say: “I would not marry him now.” Firstly, they grew up, and secondly, they learned about their husband's shortcomings only after they started living together.

Please do not repeat these mistakes, learn to understand his actions, his complexes, habits and every worrisome episode. You have to figure out why this happens, where the ‘roots’ of these disadvantages or vice versa his advantages.

It is extremely important to see such reasons in the behavior of your boyfriend before the wedding, when the relationship has been going on for a long time and everyone can get a little of their qualities from the “basket with shortcomings”:

– if your boyfriend is nervous and insults you when you slam the car door, there is a reason;

– if he raises his voice when you speak on the phone during a football match on TV, there is a reason for this too;

– if he is waiting for a compliment every time he comes on a date, it means a lot and there is a reason too;

– if he never argues with his mother or on the contrary argues with the future mother-in-law, there is a reason for everything;

– if every strife ends only when he is right and you are wrong, there is a reason and it is on the surface;

– if he was wrong, it is okay but when you make a mistake – it is a real disaster;

– if he forgot to fulfill the promise – he can do it, he is a man but if you did the same he would blame you or humiliate you;

– when he needs to drink a bottle or two of beer every evening in order to relax, relieve stress, the reason is visible even through the head;

– or if he occasionally goes with friends on a fishing trip or likes to spend time in the hunting field and at the same time his friends have new photos from a new party in their social networks and there you can see your “best man in the world”;

– if he remembers your mistakes in every row and tries to humiliate you with them.

It is not enough to understand that all these actions have their own reasons. It is more important to make a forecast of your family relations taking into account these reasons. Will there be cloudless fine weather at least a couple of days a month or just a gale warning and fog, ice, falls and fractures?

I want to give you just a couple of examples of such forecast. If each dispute ends only when your loved one is right and you are not – this means that you will get a situation in family life when it is not possible to win the dispute. You will still remain guilty, bad, stupid, etc. Are you ready to abide this and put up with it?

If he tells you that he goes fishing and then somehow you find him on the photo from a party on a friend's page – this is deception and indignity, sell – out of your interests, the absence of fidelity to you. Further, in family life, he will even more often disappear from the house on the ground of various pretexts, even less thinking about where and why. Do you like this prospect?

Learn how to analyze what is happening at the same moment when such events occur. Ask yourself the right question about the reasons for this. You have to research it, ask leading questions to clarify your assumptions about the causes of each situation. What is next – try to imagine yourself as a wife who has to endure all this, to bite the bullet, to put up with it.

The best experience that you can get by sorting out the reasons for the actions of people, especially your chosen one – is to start with yourself. Examine yourself, accurately sort out your own feelings and the motives of your complexes, fears, desires to change something in yourself. Look attentively at what pisses you off when you change your face, voice and grimace at the same time. After all, very few people do this either, they come at the cause of such irritations or fears, or complexes in themselves.

I know a girl who in a quarrel with a guy ate a whole loaf of white bread, she was eating her feelings. Apparently, she would not have been able to think about the reasons for what happened until she had finished the loaf. Understanding the reasons both good and bad for the actions of the chosen one draws the person in all the details. You will understand with whom you are going to live beneath the same roof every day. And what if this is not a loaf but alcohol, or dreams about an idol or ‘crazy’ actions when you want to do something not typical for yourself to spite everyone or someone target-focused?

Having sorted out your feelings, you get a chance to work on yourself, get rid of complexes and instantly understand the reason for your failures, resentments, loss of joy and happiness, obsession for each other in relationships. Things are the same in the assessment of your chosen one – first to notice and then to understand such moments.

There is one more thing. Not always everything is on the surface as, for example, irritation – it is easy to see, easy to feel, to look at and to understand what was the cause. There are also halftones that are covered in words or actions. For example, your boyfriend always has some very good reason not to do something when you are going to introduce him to your parents. Or it happens when the planned purchase of a new fragrance or dress for you have been simmering for years when there already new collections. It is the same in the first and second case. At such moments, the last thing you need to do is to listen to your beloved. Why is this happening? It is more important to look at the strange coincidences that have become a pattern. If he does not want to go to meet your parents, it means that he has no serious intentions about you, so you are a temporary option. If the promised perfume and dresses remain hanging on the shelves and hangers of stores – generosity is not the strongest side of your favorite.