Читать книгу The 'Good Enough' Parent - Andrew Wake - Страница 13

Jack grew up in a family where few things got repaired. Whenever there was a disagreement or a fight, people got angry and walked off until they calmed down. They would then return, but the problem was never discussed – it was simply allowed to blow over. By way of example, Jack’s father once criticised his wife in bed, and she told him to sleep in the spare room. Two months later he was still sleeping there. Then one night he simply came back to the bed, and everyone behaved as if nothing had happened. The initial problem was never spoken about or resolved.

Jack had a fear of making mistakes, as they would generally result in him being told off, after which there would be silence all around for hours or even days. Jack had no confidence that mistakes could be repaired, so he discovered early on to hide his mistakes by lying. He lied about big things, he lied about little things. And when he was caught for lying, he was roundly criticised and shamed, which reinforced his lying to avoid the shame. Telling Jack to stop lying and punishing him had no effect. Rather, it was only when his parents were able to sit down with him and talk about why he lied, how he could have managed the situation differently, and at the same time allowing the emotions that came up, that he was gradually able to stop lying and feel confident to make mistakes. In other words, his parents had to work on consistently and authentically repairing the relationship after he lied, instead of shaming him and sending him to his room.

Being helpless

This is where children demand help (and therefore your attention) to solve a problem. It is more than asking for assistance to deal with their own problem (which is known as ‘affiliation’ – a mature way of coping). Effectively they are making their problem your problem and demanding that you save them by solving it. It is the immature but powerful way of coping with distress discussed at the beginning of the chapter: when overwhelmed by something, they look to their protector to take the responsibility for the problem, and to soothe and save them.

Be very careful that you do not automatically rush in and take over. Even though you might think that this is ‘helping’ your child, and even satisfying his need for attention, in the long term it may reduce his problem-solving abilities and his resilience.

The best approach is to support your child as he works it out for himself, as this not only tells him that you believe he can work it out, but also gives him some practice at doing so. ‘Saving’ your child (telling him what to do or doing it for them) is important for safety reasons (if his life or health is in danger) or if his best efforts haven’t been effective enough, but should be avoided as much as possible (see ‘A Supportive Approach’ in Chapter 4).

Some examples where children may try to get you to save them include the following:

1 Completing physical tasks such as tying shoelaces, wiping bottoms, packing away toys or finishing homework (‘I can’t do it’).

2 Solving conflicts in relationships, especially with siblings (‘Mum, Mary won’t give me my ball back!’).

3 Avoiding situations or tasks they don’t like by sensing your own vulnerabilities and drawing you in (e.g. if you were bullied at school, they might discover that describing their own peer problems at washing-up time gets them off the hook).

4 Finding themselves in a dilemma and trying to get you to make a decision for them (‘I don’t know’, ‘I can’t remember’, ‘Whatever you want’, ‘How could I know what to do?’).

Being helpless is a very effective way to get us involved because we are strongly driven to help our children. It is not always straightforward when our children are suffering to find the balance between helping them and leaving them to help themselves.

Becoming ill

There’s nothing like sickness or injury to ramp up attachment between a parent and child. Most of us can’t help showering an ill child with extra hugs and kisses and special treatment (food, staying home from school). No wonder children sometimes feign or exaggerate illness to get their needs met or to avoid responsibilities. (I once worked with a family that placed an excessive value on independence, and the only time physical affection was given was when someone was ill, so surprise-surprise there was a lot of illness in that family.)

If your child is genuinely ill, she will obviously need you to do things for her. However, if you are not sure whether the ‘school day stomach-ache’ is genuine it can be difficult to know what to do. If there are no physical signs of illness (temperature, rash etc.), it might be that something unpleasant has happened at school. Talking to your child (or another parent or teacher) is one way to find out if bullying is a problem (though don’t ask your child leading questions such as, ‘Are you being bullied?’ Make them more general: ‘Is there anything happening at school that is making you feel really angry or scared?’). Some parents find that if they give their child the benefit of the doubt and allow her to stay home but keep her confined to her bed for the day and don’t allow her to watch TV or play any electronic games (‘If you’re sick, you won’t feel like doing anything, so just rest, darling’), her ensuing boredom may ensure that she only wants to stay home when she is really sick.

Control

From birth, a human infant expects to have all his needs met, complains tremendously at any discomfort, and through attachment behaviours is able to control the parent to get his discomfort soothed. Being in control is thus associated with keeping the negative experiences of insecurity away; ‘I get what I want when I want it.’ However, as he grows, he realises that he cannot make his parent (attachment object) do whatever he wants – that there are boundaries and that some discomfort has to be tolerated. If these boundaries are repeatedly, predictably, firmly and kindly reinforced, they become a natural part of the child’s life and perspective. Thus, the child learns that although he doesn’t get everything he wants, he gets enough. With this he learns that not being in total control is okay, and he becomes stronger as he gradually experiences and tolerates increasing amounts of discomfort and suffering.

Children who don’t believe they will get enough tend to retain their attempts to control: ‘I’m only going to get my needs met if I’m in control of the other person.’ This means that their relationships will be based on power and control rather than empathy, trust, and freedom. It is the difference between the belief that good things will be given, versus the belief that I will only get what I want if I take it or make it happen.

Avoiding attachment

If your child has tried a whole range of attachment behaviours, but still believes that she is not on your mind enough, the insecurity she feels becomes unbearable. If this happens, an alternative solution to deal with the insecurity is to try to convince herself that she doesn’t care whether you are there for her or not. This is what may be happening when a child rejects what she clearly wants with statements such as, ‘I don’t care’ or ‘Whatever’, and behaviours such as rejecting attempts to comfort or help her and even destroying the thing she wanted. She is trying to cope with her unmet attachment needs by denying or avoiding those needs.

Most people have experienced wanting a relationship with someone, but when it didn’t work out, trying to convince themselves that they didn’t care about that person. Often this is done by suddenly finding in the other person a long list of faults that had not been seen previously. ‘If I don’t desire the person, I can’t be hurt by not having them.’ This approach only works for as long as the desire can be kept out of awareness, and even then it only works partially.