Читать книгу The 'Good Enough' Parent - Andrew Wake - Страница 9

Around 200 million years ago, reptiles were among the most advanced animals on earth, and humans were nowhere to be seen. Reptile brains were relatively simple, and had perfected all the bits and pieces necessary for survival. There was no need for language, planning, wondering, or any of the other remarkable cognitive skills we humans have, so their brains were also quite small.

Then something remarkable happened. One of our reptile ancestors began to develop a new part of their brain that improved the chances of their offspring developing into an adult. No longer did the young animal basically have to fend for itself after hatching. Instead, this new brain area was responsible for a stronger relationship between a mother and its baby – a bond that lasted much longer into the young animal’s development. This enduring attachment between mother and baby was the beginning of the rise of mammals.

With these new capabilities the mother actively nurtured and protected her young, giving them a much greater chance of surviving those dangerous early years. This mammalian attachment between parent and offspring gave protection and closeness, nurturing and care, and guidance in learning about the world – advantages which, over millions of years, ensured that mammals became dominant throughout much of the earth.

About two million years ago, a new type of mammal evolved: the human. We still had the reptilian part of our brain – survival was still our first need – and we still had our mammalian brain – attachment (belonging, caring and being cared for) was still the next most important need. But our new human brain was massively expanding, literally filling up our head, and with it came our ability to think, plan, wonder, sing, talk and do all the other remarkable things that humans can do.

Yet, even as humans became smart and flexible and thoughtful, deep down the reptilian and mammalian parts of our brain were as influential as ever. Before we can think, we need to feel securely connected. And before we can feel securely connected, we need to feel safe. When it comes to your child, at times you will be parenting a thoughtful human, but at other times you will be parenting an insecure mammal or a frightened or enraged reptile. (See Chapter 3 for more on this.)

All children have a deep and overwhelming need to be attached, and attachment theory is an immensely helpful way of understanding how this need influences our child’s emotions and behaviours. Attachment theory was first developed by John Bowlby in the 1950s and continues to be a major influence in our understanding of child development. It arose from observations that a child’s early experiences seemed to be strongly associated with how they developed emotion regulation, how they related to others, and how they viewed themselves in the long term. It is now an enormous field, encompassing brain scanning, neurochemistry and evolutionary studies as well as classic longitudinal studies, and is getting bigger every year.

In explaining attachment theory to parents and clients, I summarise the following key points:

1Our child’s main motivation is to be safe. Nothing moves him like feeling unsafe, and all other needs are secondary. He must feel safe if he is to be able to adequately learn from and securely interact with others.

2Our child’s main way of experiencing safety is by feeling securely connected to her ‘attachment object’ – usually her mother – who soothes, protects and makes her feel safe and secure.

3Our child responds to feeling insecure with ‘attachment behaviours’ (crying, smiling, talking etc.) so that he becomes reattached and feels secure. And he will do whatever it takes to feel this way.

These attachment drives and behaviours are deeply ingrained patterns that are a function of a child’s specific temperament and experiences in the first three years of life (all prior to the development of logical thought). So when relating to others, children tend to follow wellworn patterns that have little to do with logic or reality, and can be very hard to change. This is why when you ask your child, ‘Why did you do that?’ you will often get the answer, ‘I don’t know’ – because they genuinely don’t know. What drove their emotional responses and behaviour came from their mammalian brain, a more unconscious part of their mind.

At times the adolescent clients I see will talk to me about their confusing, intense and mixed emotions: ‘I don’t know why I feel and behave the way I do. It doesn’t make sense.’ However, many of the parents I see also struggle with their own patterns of relating to others, which affects how they relate to their children. Logically they know they should try to be positive and supportive, but they may find themselves constantly criticising and seeing the negative in their children. ‘Why do I do this? My kids are great, yet I keep jumping down their throats over little things.’

This is where understanding comes in. Your child may not understand their intense emotions, relationship patterns and behaviours, but you can. And your understanding can help your child understand themselves.