Читать книгу The 'Good Enough' Parent - Andrew Wake - Страница 15

Have you ever noticed how fascinated teenagers are with mirrors? Often they will spend large amounts of time looking at themselves in various poses and with different facial expressions, and in various outfits. By looking at their reflection, they are trying to match what they see with how they feel – their outward appearance and their inner reality. It is a way of trying to work out, ‘Who am I?’, and ‘Am I okay?’

Widespread access to mirrors dates back only a few hundred years so is a relatively new phenomenon in human history. Indeed, we evolved without being able to see what we actually looked like. We had to rely on others – their verbal and nonverbal responses to our appearance and behaviour – to find out whether we were ‘okay’.

Our ‘mirrors’, therefore, were our attachment objects – the people who cared for and about us – usually our parents. Donald Winnicott said, ‘the precursor of the mirror is the mother’s face’. Our parents’ responses to us were modified by their affection and love, and reflected more than our physical attributes. This ‘modified reflective process’ is an important way a child learns about themselves. When your child looks at you, they not only see you, but also a version of themselves in your response to them. Your child learns about relating with others and about themselves predominantly through the reciprocal relationship they have with you. Let’s consider your mirroring role in the earliest months (how you respond to them and think about them) and how this helps your child’s emotional and relational development.

The importance of mirroring

Weeks 1–4: Helping your baby be calm

At this age your task is simply to help your baby be calm, neither under- nor over-aroused. This means feeding her when she is hungry, changing her nappy when it is wet, and soothing her by cuddling, rocking or singing when she is distressed. Your baby needs to be calm if she is to learn to shift her attention from her internal state to the world around her (and so begin her amazing learning journey). You being calm in the face of her distress mirrors to her that her distress is not overwhelming and that it can be managed – that she will be okay.

How this influences later development

Throughout their development to adulthood, children frequently will be overwhelmed by their emotions and drives. In this unregulated state they are in no position to learn anything. By remaining calm, and gently but firmly containing her baby, the mother helps him gain emotional regulation. Being a calming influence and providing a calm environment is the first and most important step in helping your child learn about himself, whether he is two weeks, twelve months or sixteen years old. When helping them soothe themselves, what we do and how we do it (the approach) will be far more important than what we say (the content).

Weeks 4–8: Helping your baby pay attention

Your role at this next stage is to help your baby prolong her attention span so that she is ready to receive signals from you. Relaxed and playful looking into your baby’s eyes is a particularly important experience for her from this point onwards. This intense gaze is hardwired into a baby, and is not only a deeply connecting attachment experience, but also believed to be the beginning of the development of empathy in children. Talking and singing to your baby also help her to focus on your face. By doing this you are helping her to focus on you, her mirror, which is crucial if she is to learn about herself and others.

When eye contact is disrupted due to developmental problems in the child (such as autism spectrum disorders) or problems in the parents (such as post-natal depression, personality disorders, drug abuse) there is a much greater chance that children will develop emotional and social problems.

How this influences later development

As a child grows, many things will draw her attention (TV, computer, music, games, pets), and these distractions can result in poor focusing on important issues at hand such as handling difficult emotions or tensions within relationships. You may need to remove the distractions, and gently but firmly insist on your child’s attention. This may require great patience on your part, but by showing persistence you are modelling that the emotional issue can be dealt with.

Weeks 8–12: Reflecting your baby’s emotional state

Once your baby begins to smile, you will find yourself playing delightful games with him – he’ll smile and coo, and you’ll smile back and coo, and on you’ll go. He’ll not only feel the joy himself, but he’ll see it on your face: your big smile, wide eyes and happy voice saying, ‘Look at that big beautiful smile!’

Later, when he is crying from tiredness, you will mirror his frustration by scrunching up your face and speaking in a softer, more placating tone, ‘Oh, dear. You’re grumpy because you’re tired. Let’s get you tucked up in bed now.’

And when your child is frightened by a loud noise, your wide eyes and slightly startled expression will mirror in a modified and more bearable form his more intense distress, and you will give him a comment like, ‘Oh, honey. You are a bit scared by that loud barky dog. It’s okay.’

Being attuned to your baby’s emotional state and reflecting it back to him is the beginning of helping him to be aware of and make sense of his own feelings. It is your attempt at understanding what is happening for your child – not making it about you, keeping your own issues out of it – and gently showing with facial expressions, gestures or words what might be happening for him.

How this influences later development

Almost all parents do this mirroring in the early weeks and months, but for many it starts to fade away in the toddler years as their child becomes more independent. These parents often stop wondering what is happening for their child and become preoccupied with their own role, their own emotions, or in finding solutions.

As an example, when your eight-year-old is distressed about not being invited to a friend’s birthday, a mirroring/reflective approach would be to say, ‘That’s no good, honey. You seem to be a bit upset. It must be awful to feel left out.’ A less reflective approach would be to say, ‘Don’t worry about her, she’s not a nice friend’, or ‘Well, if you don’t act in a friendly way, no one will invite you.’ (The importance of reflecting is discussed in ‘Attunement’ on page 29, and also in Chapter 10.)

Weeks 12–16: ‘Hatching’ and your baby’s initiative

At this time your baby begins to initiate interactions within you. This emerging independence has been called ‘hatching’ and is where babies begin to realise that they can influence their interactions with you. They may want more or less of something, refuse to feed or sleep, and they may complain more even though their needs are being met.

It is important that parents support this emerging desire for autonomy and freedom by reflecting their baby’s initiative in a playful yet respectful way, and letting them lead where it is safe to do so. This allows the child to feel okay about their attempts to initiate, and encourages further attempts at exploring.

How this influences later development

If you don’t wait for the child to take initiative, or override their attempts to take some control, the development of their autonomy can be impaired. The less reflective and patient a parent is, the more they will direct their child into what they want done, and the less they will allow their child to take the lead and learn for themselves.

When your child is a teenager, the drive to develop autonomy can become a mammoth issue and a source of much conflict and distress between you. As far as is safe and reasonable, supporting a young person’s initiative is a vital part of building their self-esteem (‘My ideas and wishes are good enough’) and helping them develop the belief ‘I can do this’.

Four months onwards

Emotions are central to relationships. When you are closely attuned to your child, she learns how to use subtle shifts in behaviour and emotions to regulate both herself and you in an appropriate and sensitive way. If you miss her subtle cues, she will use less subtle approaches to get on your mind. If eye contact doesn’t work, then she might try a smile. If that doesn’t work, she might reach out with her arms. And if that isn’t enough, she might try a small whimper, then a cry, followed by a blood-curdling scream.

All this needs to be seen in the context of balance, however. The infant does not know what is and isn’t reasonable when it comes to initiating, so of course she will sometimes fall short and at other times will go too far. Sometimes her initiative may need to be contained. From the age of four months onwards, your role is to work out what can be allowed and played with and what needs to be understood but limited – a task by turns joyful, infuriating and anxiety-provoking. And a task made easier if you are attuned to your child.