Читать книгу The 'Good Enough' Parent - Andrew Wake - Страница 14

David’s parents had separated when he was fourteen. He lived with his father, and his mother had moved to another country to live with her new partner. Despite the distance, his parents’ relationship was extremely toxic and David felt caught between them. He adamantly denied any problems with sadness, anger or worry (despite numerous home and school reports to the contrary) and struggled to even name emotions let alone talk about them. The only problem he could articulate was that he slept poorly and always felt tired. For two years he would cope for a while, but then explode mindlessly at his father after a phone call from his mother and then feel exhausted for a few days. He denied knowing why he got so angry, and denied caring about his parents’ separation or not seeing his mother.

The explosions and fatigue only eased when he was able to acknowledge and talk about his grief, disappointment and anger at both his parents for not being able to ‘get it together’. David’s father could tolerate his son’s attacks and was willing to put in the time to try to repair their relationship, so it gradually improved.

Unfortunately, David’s mother could not change her pattern of becoming defensive whenever he brought up the separation and could not accept his disappointment, and the last I heard their relationship was still fraught.

The attachment battery

Attachment can be thought of as a form of energy that your child needs from you in order to grow and learn. When she is ‘full’ of attachment energy – feels secure and safe enough – she can play, have fun, think, take chances and explore the world around her. But when her attachment energy is low – when she believes she is not secure or safe enough – the drive to ‘fill up’ takes over, making it hard for her to play or even to think.

Young children cannot always be plugged directly into their attachment energy sources by being with you and obviously on your mind, so they carry inside them a ‘battery’ which stores attachment energy – they are in effect taking a bit of you with them as memories and experiences. With time the energy stored in the battery eventually runs down and your child is driven to return to recharge from you directly. Once their attachment battery is recharged enough, they are able to leave you again to play, think and try new things.

Other safe adults (such as teachers and relatives) can be temporary sources of attachment energy if a parent is not available, as can a phone call, email, photo or text, but if enough time passes even those alternative energy sources will not be enough to keep the battery levels up and the child will become increasingly focused on being with you again. If the battery level gets low enough leading to them feeling unthoughtof and unsafe, a child will end up feeling seriously insecure, and high emotions and frantic attachment behaviours can ensue.

The ‘recharging the attachment battery’ analogy can help explain the commonly observed attachment behaviours of children when they reunite with their parents after a separation:

1 Touching. They run to their parents for a kiss and a hug.

2 Talking. They chatter away about their day and parents find themselves saying things like, ‘I was thinking about you today’ or, ‘I was wondering how you went.’ This gives them the clear message, ‘You were on my mind even though you weren’t with me.’

3 Sharing humour and experiences. As parent and child think and talk about the day, there can be laughter as stories are shared and made sense of. There may also be tickling and playful touch.

4 Creating conflict. They may pick on a sibling or do something that they know will annoy a parent to ensure they have their attention.

5 Provoking by nagging or deceit. They may hassle the parent for something (‘Can I have an ice cream?’ or ‘Can I go on the computer?’).

6 Being helpless or ill. They may talk about what went wrong, or show a wound to elicit sympathy.

If on seeing you again your child receives an insufficient attachment charge (because you are busy with other children, on the phone, or preoccupied with your own concerns) you would expect to see more emotions and behaviours associated with insecurity. Separating and reuniting are times when it pays to be aware of your child’s attachment needs and to work on charging up your child’s battery as much as possible.

Recharging your child’s ‘attachment battery’

If children are feeling insecure, have been away from you for a prolonged time, or are under more stress than usual, then touch, talking, humour and listening to their experiences are all positive ways of helping them to feel safe and secure again (‘reattached’ or ‘recharged’). Every time you do this, they learn that not only will they get enough of what they need, but also that they can risk leaving you because they know from experience that you will be there when they come back, ready to support and soothe them.

To give children the greatest charge, practise the following:

1 Stop whatever you are doing and focus on the child.

2 Get down to their level so that you can make good eye contact. (Don’t talk to them from another room and expect them to be happy with ‘distant attention’.)

3 Use some physical affection (a kiss, holding their hand, touching their shoulder, putting your arm around them, or cuddling).

4 Reflect that you know they want your attention (‘I know you’d really like me to spend some time with you right now’).

5 Briefly explain what you are doing, though this is less important than your gentle manner and kind tone of voice (‘But I really need to finish cooking dinner’).

6 Give them a time limit for how long they have to wait for your full attention. It is best to start low and increase gradually using trial and error as a guide. And if you give a time, make sure you keep to it – broken promises are a sure-fire way of increasing uncertainty, disappointment and thus insecurity. If you do break a promise, don’t beat yourself up (who can be perfect?) but simply apologise and tolerate their disappointment and anger, and make sure you don’t break the next few promises if you want your child to believe that you can be trusted.

7 Be confident about the separation and let them know that you believe they will be able to cope. (‘I know you can do this. Remember yesterday how you went to kinder and I was waiting for you at pick-up time? Guess where I will be at pick-up time today?’) And if your child is feeling a bit nervous about the separation, when pick-up time happens don’t keep talking to the other parents, and definitely don’t engage with the other children. Instead, focus on your child and charge up her batteries.

Doing these things regularly and predictably will help small children to feel more secure in their relationships. As our children get older they become more mature, but their underlying attachment needs still need to be met; the child inside of them that needs to be cared for, nurtured and protected never vanishes but simply gets its needs met in more mature ways. You might not approach an adolescent as you would a small child, but he still needs to know he is important to you and that he is on your mind.