Читать книгу Natboff! One Million Years of Stupidity - Andy Stanton - Страница 5

Long long timm go in Lamonic Bibber was cavma days. Bigges cavma was Natboff.

‘ME THROW ROCK AT MITY WOOLY MAMMOF!’ say Natboff. ‘HAHA! WOOLY MAMMOF CRY LIKK BABY! NATBOFF BIG AN STRONG! NATBOFF HARIES FATTES CAVMA OF AL TIMM! NATBOFF BESTT!’

But liff always go rong. Wun day Natboff walkig alonn wen com acros even bigge harier cavma of al timm.

‘HOO YOU?’ say Natboff.

‘ME CHUNKA!’ say even bigge cavma.

‘NATBOFF HATE CHUNKA!’ say Natboff.

‘NATBOFF EAT CHUNKA!’ say Natboff.

Natboff try eat Chunka but Natboff no gud at. Chunka leg to thik for Natboff teeth.

‘HAHA,’ say Chunka. ‘NATBOFF PATHETI! CHUNKA BESST!

‘NATBOFF GOT CAV?’ say Chunka.

‘YEAH,’ say Natboff.

‘NATBOFF GOT WIFE?’ say Chunka.

‘YEAH,’ say Natboff.

‘WAT WIFE NAME?’ say Chunka.

‘WIFE NAME SALLY,’ say Natboff.

‘WEL, THIS CHUNKA LUKKY DAY,’ say Chunka. ‘NOW CHUNKA COM TO NATBOFF CAV AN STEEL NATBOFF WIFE.’

O NO, thinnk Natboff. NATBOFF WISH NATBOFF NO TELL CHUNKA ABOU CAV AN WIFE .

‘HEY CHUNKA,’ say Natboff, crafty stile. ‘YOU KNO JUS NOW WEN NATBOFF TELL YOU ABOU CAV AN WIFE CAL SALLY? NATBOFF WAS ONLEH MAKK JOKKE! THER NO CAV! THER NO SALLY! JUS FUNNEH JOKKE!’

‘TO LATE,’ say Chunka. ‘CHUNKA CAN TEL THEY REAL. CHUNKA COMIG TO CAV TO STEEL WIFE.’

O NO, thinnk Natboff. CHUNKA NOT JUS FAT AN HARY. CHUNKA A CLEVA FELLO INTO THE BARGEN .

Chunka go to Natboff cav an grab up Sally.

‘HEY SALLY,’ say Chunka. ‘ME CHUNKA. ME MUCH BETER AN FATTER AN HARIER THAN NATBOFF. YOU COM WIV CHUNKA NOW.’

‘IT TRUE,’ say Sally. ‘CHUNKA SO BIG AN FAT AN HARY! SALLY NO LOV NATBOFF NO MORE! SALLY LOV CHUNKA NOW! SALLY AN CHUNKA IN LOV!’

‘HA HA,’ say Chunka. ‘CHUNKA DONE IT AGEN!’

Chunka throw roks at Natboff an Sally spit in Natboff har. Then Chunka an Sally run way way off into foress to do baby cavmas.

Natboff ver sad. Natboff do cry.

Wolf com along an lick up Natboff tears fro eyes.

‘WOLF BE NATBOFF FREND?’ say Natboff.

Wolf nod.

‘WOLF BE NATBOFF WIFE?’ say Natboff hopfuly.

Wolf laff an shak hed.

‘BUT WOLF BE NICE TO NATBOFF AT LEEST?’ say Natboff.

Wolf nod.

‘MEBBE THINNGS NOT SO BAD AFTEH AL,’ say Natboff.

But at night Wolf eat Natboff !

Now Natboff in Wolf tummy.

‘THIS WORST DAY OF NATBOFF LIFF,’ say Natboff. ‘WAT NATBOFF DO NOW?’

Natboff com up wiv plan.

NATBOFF WAIT TIL WOLF NEED TOILET IN BUSH, thinnk Natboff. THEN NATBOFF COM OUT OF WOLF AGEN! BETER THAN EVEH!

So Natboff wait al day wile Wolf run round eatig stuf. Lateh on Wolf get belly rumbles.

‘O NO,’ say Wolf. ‘WOLF NEED FIND BUSH BEFOR TO LATE.’

HERE ME CHANSE, thinnk Natboff.

Wolf go to bush an push it al out. Out com Natboff, beter than eveh! (But a bit smel.)

‘NEVEH MIN,’ say Natboff to himsel. ‘STIL GUD TO BE OUT OF WOLF AGEN.’

Natboff go up to Wolf.

‘NAUGTY WOLF!’ shou Natboff. ‘YOU SAY YOU NATBOFF FREND! BUT YOU EAT NATBOFF!’

‘SORY,’ say Wolf. ‘ME FORGET.’

‘OK,’ say Natboff. ‘BUT YOU NATBOFF FREND NOW?’

‘DEFINETT,’ say Wolf. ‘WOLF AN NATBOFF FREND. WOLF AN NATBOFF DO DISCO TO SELEBRAT.’

So Wolf an Natboff do disco in cav. It fun, but it stil not solv probbem.

‘IT FUN, BUT IT STIL NOT SOLV PROBBEM,’ say Natboff. ‘SALLY STIL WIV CHUNKA. WAT NATBOFF DO NOW?’

‘GO ON INTERNET,’ say Wolf, ‘MEBBE THAT HELP.’

So Natboff go on internet but it cavma days, long long go, an bak then internet jus big rok wiv ‘Google’ carve on. No help at al!

‘INTERNET RUBISH!’ say Natboff. ‘NATBOFF HATE INTERNET!’

Wolf eat internet.

‘NOW WAT NATBOFF DO?’ say Natboff.

‘WOLF GET HELP FROM FRENDS,’ say Wolf.

‘WOLF GOT MITY FRENDS?’ say Natboff.

‘MITIEST EVEH!’ say Wolf prowdly. ‘WOLF GO AN GET MITY FRENDS. THEN CHUNKA GOT NO CHANSE!’

Wolf run out of cav.

Natboff wait.

Natboff wait a bit mor.

Natboff wait ages.

Natboff wait Stone Ages.

Natboff discoveh fire.

Natboff happy!

Natboff set har on fire!

Natboff not so happy.

‘WOLF TAKIG FOREVEH,’ say Natboff.

Natboff starvig.

Natboff eat own burnned har.

‘BURNNED HAR DISGUSSIG,’ say Natboff.

Natboff spit har out everwher.

Natboff try eatig cav.

No gud.

Evencherlee Wolf come bak wiv frends.

‘LOOK AT MITY FRENDS,’ Wolf say prowdly.

‘MITY ANT!

‘MITY SPIDA!

‘MITY LEEF!’

‘FRENDS NOT LOOK SO MITY,’ say Natboff. ‘NATBOFF THURT WOLF’S FRENDS BE MITY BEAR! MITY MAMMOF! MITY SABE-TOOTH TIGGER!’

‘SORY,’ say Wolf. ‘WOLF NOT KNO THOSE GUYS. WOLF ONLY KNO MITY ANT! MITY SPIDA! MITY LEEF!’

‘ME CAN DO THIRTY PRES-UPS,’ say Mity Leef.

‘OK,’ say Natboff. ‘IT HAV TO DO. WAT THE PLAN?’

‘CHUNKA LIV IN FORESS WIV SALLY NOW,’ say Mity Spida. ‘SO WE GOT TO GO TO FORESS. THEN WE SNEEK UP ON CHUNKA.’

‘IS GUD START TO PLAN,’ say Natboff. ‘BUT WAT NEX?’

‘MITY ANT JUMP ON CHUNKA LEGG AN LICK HIM,’ say Mity Spida. ‘THEN MITY SPIDA (THAT ME) TIKLE CHUNKA FOOT. THEN WOLF BITE OFF CHUNKA FACE. NATBOFF GET SALLY BACK, EESY PEESY LEMMO SQUEE!’

‘MITY SPIDA GUD AT PLAN!’ say Natboff. ‘MABBE THIS WURK AFTEH AL. BUT WAT ABOU MITY LEEF? EVERWUN ELSE DO STUF IN PLAN BUT MITY LEEF DO NUTHIN.’

‘ME DO PRES-UPS TO DISTRAC CHUNKA,’ say Mity Leef, flexig mussels.

‘IT GUDDEST PLAN OF AL TIMM!’ say Wolf. ‘LET DO DISCO TO SELEBRAT.’

Natboff, Wolf, Mity Ant, Mity Spida an Mity Leef do disco.

Gess hoo besst at disco dancc? Mity Ant.

Mity Ant win disco prize!

‘DISCO FUN,’ say Natboff. ‘BUT NOW IT TIMM FOR PUT PLAN INTO ACSHUN. WICH WAY FORESS?’

Mity Leef step forwar.

‘ME WAS BORN IN FORESS,’ say Mity Leef, ‘SO ME KNO EXAC WHER IT IS. FOLLO LEEF!’

‘NATBOFF HAD DOUTS ABOU MITY LEEF TO BEGIN WIV,’ say Natboff, ‘BUT NOW HE GROWIG ON ME.’

‘HA HA,’ say Mity Ant. ‘NATBOFF MAKK BIG FUNNEH!’

‘DISCO TO SELEBRAT?’ say Wolf hopfully.

‘MABBE LATEH,’ say Natboff.

AL WOLF WANT TO DO IS DISCO, thinnk Natboff. ME GETTIG PRETY SICK OF WOLF. BUT ME NOT TELL WOLF OUT LOUD BECOS WOLF NATBOFF FREND, AN ME NOT WANT TO HURT WOLF FEELIG .

(Natboff mite be cavma but Natboff a sensitif sort of fello.)

Anyweh. Afteh al this, Natboff an gang set off wiv Mity Leef leedig way. Evencherlee com to foress.

Gess hoo in middel of foress tryig to makk baby cavmas? It Chunka an Sally, jus as Natboff susspecced!

‘YOU GUYS HIDDE IN BUSH,’ say Natboff to anima an plannt chums. ‘NATBOFF GONNA DO IT CRAFTY STILE!’

Natboff step forwar crafty stile to wher Chunka an Sally busy tryig to makk baby cavmas.

‘HEY CHUNKA, HEY SALLY,’ say Natboff.

‘HEY NATBOFF,’ say Chunka. ‘GO AWAY, WE IN THE MIDDEL OF STUF.’

‘NATBOFF NOT COM AL THIS WAY TO BE TALK TO LIKK THAT,’ say Natboff. ‘NATBOFF COM TO GET SALLY BAK.’

‘O YEAH?’ say Chunka. ‘HOW NATBOFF GONNA DO THAT? CHUNKA SO BIG AN HARY, NATBOFF GOT NO CHANSE.’

‘NATBOFF GOT CHUMS,’ say Natboff.

Natboff giv the secre comman.

Imedialy Mity Leef jump out of bush an do pres-ups.

Chunka can harly beleev eyes!

Wile Chunka distracced by Mity Leef, Mity Ant jump out an lick Chunka legg!

Wile Chunka try to cope wiv that, Mity Spida run up an tikle Chunka foot!

‘WAT GOIN ON?’ say Chunka.

Then Wolf jump out an bite off Chunka face!

‘OW!’ say Chunka face from insidde Wolf. ‘OK, OK, CHUNKA GIV IN! NATBOFF WIN.’

‘SALLY TOTALL SORY FOR GO OFF WIV CHUNKA BEFOR,’ say Sally. ‘SALLY TOTALL LOV NATBOFF AGEN NOW. NATBOFF NOT AS FAT AN HARY AS CHUNKA – BUT AT LEES NATBOFF GOT A FACE.’

‘DISCO TO SELEBRAT?’ say Wolf.

‘DEFINETT!’ say everwun.

Hole gang do disco in foress. Chunka join in wiv disco too, even tho Chunka got no face. It horibel to watch, but gud try from Chunka.

‘CHUNKA NOT SUCH A BAD FELLO AFTEH AL,’ say Natboff.

Lateh on Chunka get steped on by Wooly Mammof.

Natboff an Sally bureh Chunka unerneef bush.

Mity Spida dres up as holy prees an say prayer for Chunka.

Everwun cry.

But liff go on.

Natboff an Sally makk baby cavma an gess wat they cal him?

Chunka!

‘IT IN MEMORY OF BESST CAVMA HOO EVEH LIV,’ say Natboff, an everwun agree.

‘AL IN AL IT BEEN GUD DAY,’ say Mity Leef. ‘WE DONE BRILLIA AVENCHER. PLUS EVERWUN MADD NEW FRENDS!’

‘SALLY TOTALL LOV NATBOFF FOR AL TIMM,’ say Sally.

‘EVERWUN LOV NATBOFF,’ say everwun. (Even Natboff say it! Even baby Chunka say it!)

‘DISCO TO SELEBRAT?’ say Wolf.

‘BIGGES DEFINETT EVEH!’ say everwun.

ENND