Читать книгу Natboff! One Million Years of Stupidity - Andy Stanton - Страница 7

Ages ago, much longer ago than you can remember because you’re only about seven, Lamonic Bibber was just a few huts and also there was a warlock who I might have mentioned before who lived on Boaster’s Hill turning balloons into hats. But the most incredible person in all that land was not just a person but a MASSIVE GIANT and he was called Gavin the giant.

Oh my word, he was enormous! Each one of his eyes was, well, they were just, they were, look, you know what eyes are normally like, don’t you? Of course you do, you’ve seen eyes before. And not only have you seen eyes before, but you’ve actually got eyes, haven’t you? So you’ve seen eyes with your own eyes and you know how big they are, more or less, right? Well, the thing about these eyes of Gavin the giant’s, this is what you have to understand – the thing about his eyes was, OK, look, I’m not going to lie to you, I have no idea how big Gavin the giant’s eyes were, I really haven’t got any idea at all. But I bet you’re curious to know how big his nose was, aren’t you? And if you are, then you’re in for an astonishing treat, because Gavin the giant’s nose, you see, Gavin the giant’s nose was – OK, hold on.

Imagine a normal person’s nose is about the size of an apricot, can you imagine that? Let’s say that most people have a nose the size of an apricot, that’s a good way to start. Now, bearing in mind that a normal person’s nose is about the size of one apricot, one single, delicious apricot that you might find down the greengrocer’s, or growing on a tree, actually do apricots grow on trees? Or more on bushes? I’m not sure, I know that tomatoes grow on these little kind of plants with stalks on, tomatoes are nice, aren’t they?

I like tomatoes.

Anyway, here’s the thing: imagine that a normal person’s nose is about the size of one apricot (or roughly three cherry tomatoes). Now, by comparison, Gavin the giant’s nose was NOT the size of one apricot, it was bigger than that. How much bigger? I don’t know.

Let’s start again.