Читать книгу The Real Rules: How to Find the Right Man for the Real You - Barbara Angelis De - Страница 10

Before we start getting into the more specific REAL RULES, you need to understand REAL RULE #2. This REAL RULE is not so much a behavior as an attitude you have about men when you follow THE REAL RULES. Most important, it’s an attitude that you should carry with you into all of your interactions with men. Men will pick up on this attitude, conclude that you understand them, and be much more apt to open their hearts to you.

I’ve spent over twenty years of my life studying men, giving seminars to men, answering thousands of letters from men, talking to women about men and to men about themselves. I’m here to tell you that, contrary to popular belief, men are just as sensitive as women, and need just as much love and reassurance as we do. This is REAL RULE #2. Every man you’ll ever meet will fall into one of three categories:

Category One—Men you don’t want. There are men who have serious problems in the areas of commitment, intimacy, and integrity. They’re just not ready for a relationship with anyone. These poor guys need a lot of work, though they would probably disagree with that assessment! By the way, these are usually the very men who respond to OLD RULES chase games. (See REAL RULE #3)

Category Two—Perfect, enlightened men with no emotional baggage, no insecurities, and fully developed psychic abilities which allow them to know and fulfill your needs at all times. Needless to say, there is no one in this category, except for a handful of swamis, priests, and monks, and they aren’t available.

Category Three—Men who want a loving,.committed relationship, but just like you, are secretly scared of rejection, afraid of getting hurt, and therefore, need love and encouragement.

It should be obvious that Category One Men are to be avoided like the plague (See REAL RULES #8–13). Category Two men aren’t an option! That means the majority of the men you’ll meet will belong to Category Three.

Here’s the secret truth about Category Three men: they’re not that different from you or any other woman in one significant way—they feel as deeply, and again, they need as much love and reassurance as you do. They may not admit this up front; they may not even admit it after you’re married. But believe me, it’s true. In their hearts, men need to feel loved, to feel special, to feel safe, and to feel they are doing a good job in life and in relationships.

You know how your mind fills you with all kinds of fears when you’re considering letting a man know you’re interested? Men feel the same way when they’re considering approaching you. You know how nervous you feel before a date with a new guy you really like? Men feel the same way before a date with you. In fact, they feel worse, because according to the OLD RULES, it’s the man’s responsibility to make the first move, request the date, make the plans, reach out for affection, all the way down the line to proposing marriage. Think about it—one situation after another where he’s setting himself up for potential rejection.

Here’s a chart to help you understand more about REAL RULE #2:

MEN’S SECRET DESIRES	MEN’S SECRET FEARS
Wants to make you happy.	Fear he doesn’t know how.
Wants to please you.	Fear he won’t be enough.
Wants to do things right.	Fear he’ll make a mistake.
Wants to open up and love.	Fear that you’ll reject him.

Let me ask you a question: When do you feel safe to really open up? For most women, the answer is: “When I feel really loved.” Guess what … the same REAL RULE is true for men. The more you love and appreciate a good man, the safer he’s going to feel, and the more he’ll open up to loving you.

Applying Real Rule #2 means never forgetting that inside of every incredibly desirable man you’re dying to get close to is a scared little boy who has the same fear of rejection that you have. Don’t underestimate the power you have to hurt him, whether by acting cold, poking fun at something he said, or making a sarcastic remark about something he didn’t do well. He may never talk about it, but believe me, he’ll remember it.

So instead of walking around feeling so intimidated by men, start to practice looking at them with different, more sensitive eyes, recognizing that they need your love just as much as you need theirs. You’ll feel a lot more relaxed and spontaneous around men when you remember REAL RULE #2. Believe me, the more you show a guy that you’re not stereotyping him as a “typical,” shut down, emotionally backward male, the sooner he’ll open up and reach out to make you a part of his life.