Читать книгу The Real Rules: How to Find the Right Man for the Real You - Barbara Angelis De - Страница 9

REAL RULE #1 is the heart of all THE REAL RULES. It’s not just about love, but about life. Does it sound familiar? It should. Maybe you learned a version of it in Bible class when you were little, or heard it preached at your church or synagogue. Traditionally it’s called The Golden Rule: Do Unto Others as You Would Have Them Do Unto You. In India, it’s called the law of karma: Your good actions toward others will eventually and inevitably produce good effects in your own life; your bad actions toward others will produce undesirable effects in your own life. Or, as we say in America:

“What goes around comes around.”

However you word it, REAL RULE #1 means the same thing: Treat people (in this case men) the way you would like them to treat you.

• If you want a man to be considerate to you, be considerate to him.

• If you want a man to be honest with you, be honest with him.

• If you want a man to be respectful of you, be respectful of him.

• If you want a man to open up to you, open up to him.

Of course, the flip side of REAL RULE #1 is: DON’T TREAT A MAN THE WAY YOU DON’T WANT HIM TO TREAT YOU.

• If you don’t want a man to play games with you, don’t play games with him.

• If you don’t want a man to manipulate you, don’t manipulate him.

• If you don’t want a man to be cold to you, don’t be cold to him.

• If you don’t want a man to share who he really is with you, don’t share who you really are with him … Get the point … ?

REAL RULE #1 is based on the belief that, from a cosmic or spiritual point of view, all beings are created equal and have equal value—men aren’t more valuable or superior to women, and women aren’t more valuable or superior to men. Therefore, men should be treated with the same courtesy and respect you’d like them to show you. It’s common sense.

If you’re a woman who wants equal pay for your work, equal rights in society, and equal opportunities in your life, how can you offer men anything less than equality in a relationship? You can’t have it both ways. You can’t say “I think my boyfriend and I are equal, but I think he should bear the burden of making all the moves in the relationship and be the only one who faces rejection.” That’s just plain selfish, and it’s not playing by THE REAL RULES.

Even if you forget all of the other REAL RULES, when in doubt, go back to REAL RULE #1, and you’ll probably make the right decision about how to act or what to say in a relationship. That’s because your decision will be based on respect and fairness.

What about the OLD RULES idea that the natural order of life is for men to pursue women, that men are like animals that love the chase, and that we have to treat them as such, making ourselves unavailable, making it impossible for them to know how we are feeling? This is disrespectful, demeaning garbage. Saying men love to fight and go to war because they love a challenge, and therefore, you should make his conquest of you as difficult as possible is just as stupid as saying that women love to clean toilets and scrub floors, and that it’s the natural order of things for us to be second-class citizens. Yes, it is true that men have been conditioned throughout history to play the role of the hunter, but that doesn’t mean you have to indulge them in it now by acting like fleeing prey! Why bring out the worst in a man on purpose?

How would you like it if your boss told you he was never going to promote you because you were a woman, and just weren’t as capable as men? How would you like it if you were trying to get a scholarship to attend graduate school and your advisor gave the scholarship to a guy, claiming that women weren’t as smart as men? You’d be outraged, wouldn’t you? Is that attitude any worse than thinking men should be treated with different rules in relationships than apply to you?

REAL RULE #1 says that the simple test for any rule you’re thinking of using as a guideline in a relationship is this: REVERSE IT, making it the man’s rule about his treatment of you, and see if it still seems fair.

For instance, an OLD RULE is: “Don’t Call Him and Rarely Return His Calls.” Now, reverse it, and imagine it’s his rule: “Don’t Call Her and Rarely Return Her Calls.” Does this sound like the kind of guy you’d want to get involved with? I don’t think so …

Let’s try another one: “Don’t Talk to a Man First.” Okay, switch it: “Don’t Talk to a Woman First.” Imagine how thrilling your love life would be if you walked into a party, and knew that all the men were following this rule, and you were going to have to make every move if you even wanted to have a conversation.

I think you get my point. REAL RULE #1 reminds you that for a rule to be valid, it has to be fair. If, on the other hand, you, like many OLD RULES women, have one set of rules for how you get to treat a man, but another set of rules for how he has to treat you, you’re cheating.

So when in doubt, refer to REAL RULE #1. For example, a friend just gave you two tickets to a hot concert, and you’re wondering whether to invite a guy you’ve just started dating. Use the REAL RULE: Would you have liked it if he invited you to a concert? Yes? Well, then go for it. Or let’s say you’re on a date with a man you really like, and you’re having a great time. Should you say anything? Use the REAL RULE: Would you like it if he told you he was having a good time? Yes? So go ahead.

What’s the worst thing that can happen in these situations? You exhibit some kindness, some caring, some enthusiasm, and it isn’t returned … SO WHAT!!!! Even if the relationship goes nowhere, you didn’t lose anything. Whenever you share your goodness, your passion for life, and your heart, you always end up winning, because what you put out into the Universe will come back to you.