Читать книгу The 100 Most Asked Questions About Love, Sex and Relationships - Barbara Angelis De - Страница 10

My boyfriend of two years is a flirt! He’s always staring at other women when we are together, especially certain body parts, and sometimes he even comes on to women right in front of me. When I complain about his behavior, he insists he’s just being “friendly,” and “joking around,” and accuses me of being “insecure” and “jealous.” What do you think?

What I think doesn’t count—it’s what you think and feel that matters, and you already know what that is. You think he’s acting like an insensitive jerk, and he is! You don’t need me to validate your opinion, but since you asked, I’ll add a little something! What your boyfriend is doing is totally disrespectful. I call it “leaking sexual energy.” He may not be doing anything physical, but on the astral plane, he’s lusting after, undressing, and probably doing much more to other women, and right in front of you no less. His saying it’s just “friendly” behavior is like someone whose dog is humping your leg telling you the animal is just being friendly. You know it’s much more—you can feel it in your gut.

As for his accusations that you are “insecure” and “jealous,” those are buzz words men (and women) often use to control their partner, invalidate their feelings, and make them feel something is wrong with them. Don’t fall for it, and don’t let him minimize what he’s doing to you. This is a problem that needs facing.

See, there’s a difference between “noticing” that another human being is attractive as she walks by, and enjoying the contribution her beauty adds to the world, and, on the other hand, having a wild, ten-second sexual orgy with her in your imagination. The first is acknowledging attractiveness; the second is indulging in it and, temporarily, forgetting that your sexual commitment is to your partner. And you know when your lover is doing the second, because it feels like he disappeared for ten seconds—and he did.

Now, let me take his side for a moment, because the fact is that unfortunately our society trains and even supports men to behave in this disrespectful manner toward women. It’s the old eye-winking, back-slapping boys’ club that gives men points for “scoring,” and looks the other way on cheating, flirting, etc. So it’s possible that your sweetheart is a really nice, but misguided, member of the male race who just doesn’t realize how his behavior is hurting you. Then again, it’s possible that he’s not a nice guy and couldn’t care less about your feelings. That’s a distinction only you can make.

Try sharing this information with your boyfriend without blaming him, coming from a more neutral place. See if it helps him understand how hurtful his behavior is to you, and let him know you respect yourself too much to stay in the relationship if the flirting continues.