Читать книгу The 100 Most Asked Questions About Love, Sex and Relationships - Barbara Angelis De - Страница 11

My husband and I have been married for ten years, and have three small children, but I feel like I have four kids—including him. I find myself treating him like a child because he acts like one. He’s always misplacing things, forgetting appointments, and leaving his stuff all over the house. I hate feeling this way, and I know it turns him off, because our sex life is practically nonexistent. How can I stop acting like his mother?

Boy, am I glad you asked. Mothering our men is one of the biggest mistakes women make in relationships. The more we treat them like little boys, the more they act like it. They end up resenting us and, eventually, rebelling against us just like they did against Mom at some point. And what’s worse, mothering your mate is the quickest and deadliest way to kill the passion in your love life. After all—no man wants to sleep with his mother, so if you’re acting like her, it’s going to be just about impossible to turn him on, unless he has a strange fetish for nagging and scolding.

Now, as a woman, I know how natural it is to mother someone you love. We’re trained to do it from the time we are children ourselves. After all, your first and most predominant experience of love was probably associated with your mother, who carried you inside her for nine months, fed you, bathed you, burped you and powdered your behind. Once you realized you, too, were a female, it was just a mental hop, skip, and jump to treating people you love with a “mothering, nurturing” attitude. There’s only one problem—it drives men crazy, reminds them of you know who, and makes them want to leave home all over again.

There are six “Mommy-No-No’s” that we do as women:

1. We act overly helpful by doing things for men that they should be doing for themselves (choosing his clothes, picking up after him, finding his keys).

2. We play verbal guessing games with men to try and pull information out of them. (“You’re hungry … how about some cereal? No? What about pretzels? Not pretzels? Okay, what if I make you some nice soup?”)

3. We assume men will be absentminded or forgetful and remind them of information they should remember by themselves. (“Don’t forget it’s trash night…” “Don’t forget to pick up milk …”)

4. We scold men as if they were children. (“How many times do I have to tell you to turn off the kitchen lights?”)

5. We take charge of activities that we assume they can’t do right. (Planning trips, taking the kids out to buy clothing.)

6. We correct and direct them when they don’t ask for our help. (Correcting their memory, offering the “right way”, to cook something.)

I know what you’re thinking… “But he always forgets where he put his keys” … “But if I don’t do it, it won’t get done …” Believe me, I’ve been there. All I can say is that you have much more to lose by behaving motherly than you do by waiting for him to find the keys once in a while. So here are my rules for you to follow if you want to transform yourself from a mother back into a lover:

Rule #1: Stop doing things for your mate that he can do for himself.

Rule #2: Treat him like a competent, reliable person.

Rule #3: Don’t speak to him in “Mommy-talk.”

Rule #4: Agree on what responsibilities are his in the relationship, and don’t take over even if he makes a mistake.

Rule #5: Make a list: “The ways I play Mommy …” Read it every day, and give him a copy so he can bust you when you fall off the wagon.

Hang in there, and remember—when you break the mothering habit, you will feel and act more like a woman, and he will feel and act more like a man.