Читать книгу The 100 Most Asked Questions About Love, Sex and Relationships - Barbara Angelis De - Страница 23

A few months ago I met a man I really care about. We get along well, but he’s going through a difficult time right now. He’s just recovering from a serious drug addiction and a bad divorce in which his ex-wife got most of his savings. I know he has a lot of anger and mistrust from his past, and he has a hard time showing any affection, but inside, he’s a very sensitive, talented person, and I feel like he needs someone to believe in him. Can this relationship work?

I wouldn’t call what you’re in a relationship—it’s closer to gambling, and I’m sorry to say the odds are against you. You aren’t in love with who your boyfriend actually is; you’re in love with who you hope he could become. You even talk about him like he is a project, a “fixer-upper.” You’re describing someone who is barely capable of loving himself right now, let alone you. Obviously, every relationship between two people involves some hopes and dreams of how you’d like to see your partner grow and improve. But the key is feeling satisfied with how your mate is today, not living for the future. Having a healthy relationship with a person means loving him for who he is now, not loving him in spite of his situation, or in hope of who he will change into tomorrow.

Inside, you know all this, yet you ignore the facts because something about this situation is so appealing to you, almost irresistible, and very hard to walk away from. That’s what we need to talk about. People who fall in love with their partner’s potential tend to have several issues of their own that attract them to this kind of situation:

1) You need to be in control in relationships. When you love someone in order to improve him, you get to feel superior. Perhaps you felt controlled or criticized for never being good enough as a child, and now you unconsciously are attracted to someone whom you can turn the tables on.

2) You get to avoid your own life and dreams by focusing on rehabilitating your partner. When you’re busy looking at how someone else can improve, you don’t have much time left over to face your own sense of inadequacy or your own fears.

3) You made a decision as a child that you couldn’t get what you wanted. If you felt rejected or unloved as a child, you may have decided you can’t get what you want from people you love, and so you unconsciously seek out a man who doesn’t give you what you want. You’re “going home” (see Question 15).

If you care about this man, end the relationship now. Does that sound strange? Well, here’s what will happen if you don’t. Soon you will end up feeling angry at him for letting you down, bitter that you wasted so much time with him, and guilty for rejecting him after you promised undying love and patience. Ending it now will free him to do the healing he needs, and will open you up to attracting someone you can love and respect as he is today.