Читать книгу The 100 Most Asked Questions About Love, Sex and Relationships - Barbara Angelis De - Страница 26

My fiancée and I are from very different cultural backgrounds—hers is much more traditional and strict, socially and spiritually, than mine as an American. We’ve always told ourselves that our love was more important than where we were born, but we’re starting to run into some very big problems as we discuss wedding plans, having children, and other serious issues. Am I making a mistake in telling myself the differences don’t matter?

Don’t kid yourself … differences always matter—it’s just a question of how many there are and how much conflict they create in the relationship. Love is not enough to make a relationship work: you need compatibility, and as you’re discovering, cultural differences aren’t just about where you were born. They spill over into most areas of your life, from your spiritual beliefs; your social, intellectual, and emotional style; your values; your choices about child-rearing; customs; and on and on. It’s not that you and your partner have to agree on everything and have gone through the same life experiences. But there’s a point beyond which too many differences will create too much tension, and make a harmonious relationship next to impossible.

You’re experiencing what many engaged couples go through—you’re just now confronting some big issues between you that hadn’t fully surfaced before. I’ll bet you both avoided seriously talking about some of the cultural differences while you were dating because, intuitively, you knew they would be “hot buttons.” So here you are engaged and Pandora’s box is opening!! And I can hear that you’re having some serious doubts. That’s what an engagement is supposed to be for—a period of time during which you can really take an honest look at all of your remaining issues, and hopefully, come to agreement on how you will blend both of your cultural backgrounds together.

I know what’s scaring you … it’s possible that as you confront these topics you may discover that your values and beliefs are just too different for you to live compatibly together. As uncomfortable as it will be, find the courage to talk about everything that’s bothering you. After all, if it’s not going to work, isn’t it better to find out now, rather than waiting until after you are married and have children?