Читать книгу The 100 Most Asked Questions About Love, Sex and Relationships - Barbara Angelis De - Страница 27

My fiancé is thirty-three, but he might as well be three years old, because his parents still control him, especially his mother. He talks to her on the phone every single day, and she calls here at all hours, with no respect for our schedule. Now that we’re engaged, she is pushing all of her ideas about the wedding on him, and we end up fighting about her constantly. I’ve tried to get him to look at his relationship with both of his parents, but he says they’re just a close family, and that there’s nothing abnormal about it. My childhood was very unhappy, and I have a very distant relationship with my own parents, so I wonder if I’m judging him unfairly. Help!

Why are you asking me this question? You already know the answer. You can’t marry someone who is emotionally married to one or both of his parents. You can’t marry someone who hasn’t grown up. Well, actually, you can marry someone like that, but you’ll be miserable. You have every classic sign of coming face to face with what I call “Toxic In-Laws.” Toxic in-laws do not respect the boundaries of your relationship and the boundaries between them and your spouse. They will interfere in your life, become time and energy vampires, and even refuse to acknowledge you or your relationship, because to them, you are an outsider. They haven’t let go of their son and will resent you for taking him away from them.

Do these things sound bad? Well, there’s nothing compared to how toxic in-laws will drive a wedge between you and your partner by creating dissension in your relationship. It sounds like that’s already happening with you and your fiancé. You end up feeling unsupported and misunderstood by him, furious at his parents for manipulating him, and everyone starts thinking you’re a real bitch! And if you think it’s bad now, wait until you have children!!

In spite of what you may believe, your fiancé’s parents aren’t the problem—he is. If he took a stand with his parents and set boundaries in their relationship, it wouldn’t make any difference how much they tried to interfere. He needs to make you number one in his life. You need to be his first priority; your marriage has to come first before his relationship with his mother and father.

The children of toxic in-laws need to communicate the following information to their parents if they want to save their relationships with their partners:

1. I have chosen my spouse to be my lifelong mate, and I expect you to treat her (him) with total respect, courtesy, and warmth. We are a couple, and when you criticize or hurt my partner, it is the same as hurting me.

2. If you cannot bring yourself to behave with respect around my spouse, then I do not wish to see you. You will either see us together and treat us with love, or not see us at all.

3. My home is mine, not yours. When you come over, you will call first, and if we want to see you, we will tell you. When you do come over you will not tell me or my wife how to run our lives, raise our children, arrange our furniture, etc.

4. You need to respect our time and privacy. That means I do not wish you to call my house five times a day. Give us the space to want to call you. Naturally I will be here for you if there is a real emergency.

5. I know this may be difficult for you to understand, but that’s the way it is. I want you in my life, but not if you cannot accept my marriage and respect our relationship.

If you discuss this with your partner, and he repeatedly refuses to confront his parents, you can try suggesting counseling so he can get a third opinion. If he refuses that, you need to ask yourself why you are staying in this relationship. It isn’t going to get any better, and you know it’s already tearing you apart. Do not get married unless this is resolved!!