Читать книгу The 100 Most Asked Questions About Love, Sex and Relationships - Barbara Angelis De - Страница 24

I’m single, in my thirties, and having a hard time finding the right person to spend my life with. All of my friends accuse me of being too picky, and warn me that I’ll never find anyone if I don’t compromise more. I’m afraid if I’m less careful, I’ll end up settling for someone who isn’t right for me. What’s the answer?

Here’s what “too picky” means: You meet a potential mate who has all of the qualities you’ve been looking for … except you love tennis and he doesn’t, so you disqualify him immediately; or you get to know someone who seems to be just what you’ve always wanted … except she could lose about ten pounds, so you end the relationship. See what I mean? A person is too picky when he finds small things about a potential partner that probably won’t affect the core of the relationship, and uses those missing items as excuses to avoid intimacy and cover up his fear of not being good enough himself—“I’ll reject you before you have a chance to reject me.” So perhaps this describes you, and if it does, take a look at the fear that underlies your hypercritical attitude.

I have a sense, however, that in your case, you are simply being choosy, not picky. You are holding out for the kind of person you truly want to spend the rest of your life with, one with whom you are highly compatible in all the important areas of your life. I talk about ten areas of compatibility that you should look for in a mate:

1) Physical style: appearance, personal fitness, and eating habits, etc.

2) Emotional style: attitude toward relationships and affection, ability to express feelings

3) Social style: personality traits, how he interacts with others

4) Intellectual style: educational background, attitude toward learning, creative expressions, cultural experience

5) Sexual style: sexual experience and skill, ability to enjoy sex, attitude

6) Communication style: how he communicates, attitude toward communication

7) Professional/Financial style: relationship with money, attitude toward success, work and organizational habits

8) Personal Growth style: attitude toward self-improvement, willingness to work on relationship, ability to change self

9) Spiritual style: attitude toward Higher Power, spiritual practices, philosophy of life, moral views

10) Hobbies and interests

You don’t have to have total compatibility in all these areas, but in the ones that are most important to you, you should have very strong compatibility. (For an extensive discussion of compatibility and how to determine it, pick up my book “Are You the One for Me?”)

The truth is, I wish more people were as “choosy” as you. There would be fewer divorces and dysfunctional relationships. So don’t let yourself be pressured by your family or friends to compromise what you know in your heart is important. And don’t give in to the artificially manufactured social timeclock that says you “must” be married before a certain age. Remember, your soul mate is waiting for you out there. He (or she) doesn’t want you to give up looking before you find him. “Hang in there!” he’s whispering. And when you find him, I know it will have been worth the wait, and you won’t care how long it took.