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The acclaimed Swiss psychiatrist, Carl Jung, first introduced the terms introvert and extravert in 1921 in his groundbreaking book, Psychological Types. Jung described extraversion and hence the extravert, as characterized by,

“…interest in the external object, responsiveness, and a ready acceptance of external happenings, a desire to influence and be influenced by events, a need to join in and get “with it,” the capacity to endure bustle and noise of every kind, and actually find them enjoyable, constant attention to the surrounding world, the cultivation of friends and acquaintances, none too carefully selected.…

The psychic life of this type of person is enacted, as it were, outside himself, in the environment. He lives in and through others; all self-communings give him the creeps.”

In contrast, an introvert, according to Jung, was primarily focused on the inner world of the psyche. The introvert,

“… holds aloof from external happenings, does not join in, has a distinct dislike of society as soon as he finds himself among too many people. In a large gathering he feels lonely and lost.… His own world is a safe harbour, a carefully tended and walled-in garden, closed to the public and prying eyes.… His relations with other people become warm only when safety is guaranteed, and when he can lay aside his defensive distrust. All too often he cannot, and consequently the number of friends and acquaintances is very restricted…His best work is done with his own resources, on his own initiative, and in his own way.”

Jung did not consider the introvert a social loss. To him, introverts were not rejecting the world but instead seeking quietude where they could best make their contribution to the community.

Susan Cain, author of Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking, points out that introverts and extroverts also differ in the amount of stimulation they prefer. Introverts work better with lower levels of stimulation. Their brains and nervous systems process sensory information differently. They are more sensitive to it.

Although we may not think of people as stimuli, they are. Interactions with people are stimulating, particularly to introverts if they occur in a large group or with people who are not close companions.

It should be noted that according to decades of Myers Briggs Type Indicator data, introversion and extroversion reside on a continuum within each of us. We all have introverted and extroverted tendencies, but usually one temperament is more natural or preferred.

THE EXTROVERT IDEAL

For several reasons, it is widely believed in Western cultures that life as an extrovert is better than life as an introvert.

One of these reasons is the notion that gregarious personalities fare better when competing for jobs, friends, and mates. As mentioned by Susan Cain in Quiet, this line of thought gained momentum in the early twentieth century. At that time, the United States was moving from a rural agricultural economy and population to more urban industrial ways of living. People migrated from small farm towns to bigger cities in search of manufacturing jobs and steady paychecks.

Among strangers in a new city, anonymity encouraged bold behavior. Your family’s reputation, as well as your own, were not known or on the line. The risk of running into your coworkers at church or the local store was smaller. Emboldened by anonymity and the need to stand out among the competition, people transformed themselves from soft-spoken farmers into confident speakers with solid eye contact. If they didn’t, there would be fewer employment opportunities and successes. They would not be positioned in upwardly mobile and well-thought-of social circles. They would not attract and secure the best or richest mate.

SMALL RURAL COMFORT

Much like those rural wallflowers prior to their move to the big cities, I experienced the bliss of living in a small, agriculturally based town in the middle of Michigan. My high school class numbered fewer than 250 students. My dad owned the local shoe store, and many of my friends’ parents grew up in this same small town. Everybody knew each other. My family and I lived “in the country” on a dirt road. It was quiet in our little house, nestled between a creek and fields that farmers rotated annually between soybeans and corn.

The small school and community afforded us a sense of belonging without having to compete for everything. There were socioeconomic differences among the town’s people, but overall the playing field seemed level. Everyone played their parts and worked together to support the community.

Hindsight tells me one reason for this cohesiveness: the fact that everyone knew where you lived, who you were related to and where you worked. Our proximity kept everyone in check. It was damn difficult to exist in anonymity. Harmony was the name of the game, and a sharing of resources kept things running smoothly. Granted, there were only a handful of stores for everyone to shop. Fewer resources could incite competition, but mostly it offered a chance to catch up with your neighbor if you ran into them at the bank or meat market. The experience was pleasant rather than frustrating. So many people lived in a small, quiet neighborhood or out in the rural areas (like I did) that we welcomed a chance run-in with someone we knew. We weren’t constantly burdened with crowds, traffic, long lines or job scarcity.

I personally had a wonderful balance of quiet country living and active social experiences. At home in our small farmhouse, there was an absence of hustle and bustle. There was a cat or two stretched out on the porch, breezes rustling through the leaves of walnut and pear trees, little to no traffic on our dirt road, comforting aromas coming from the oven, and glorious solitude in my upstairs corner bedroom. When “in town” or at school activities, I could be found hanging out in the basement of my friends’ homes watching movies, sharing stories, or playing cards with anywhere from one to fifteen people. As teens, my friends and I spent a lot of time “cruising” in our cars looking for (and often finding) boys and parties. There were school functions like dances and football games too. I was never a big fan of group sleepovers, but I endured and even enjoyed them, knowing I would be home in my own, peaceful bedroom the next night.

But, even in this idyllic atmosphere, I was fed a steady diet of television shows and movies that presented city living and brash lifestyles as the way to go. I thought all of the possibilities and fulfilling careers were to be found in bigger, more alive cities. Surely, the people in the city were more interesting, intellectual and exciting.

My sleepy little town could not keep me. By the time I graduated from high school, I was convinced my small community was holding me back.

COMPETITION AT HOME

There was another factor motivating me to move out of my hometown. Although, I did not feel competition among my classmates, friends or coworkers (during my years employed by Kentucky Fried Chicken and my dad’s shoe store), I did feel significant competition and inferiority at home.

My mom, dad, and sister were all extroverts. Although I am sure my parents’ outgoing personalities subconsciously affected my view of my nature, it was my younger sister’s strong and vocal personality and others’ responses to it that most influenced my self-perception: namely, that it was better to be a boisterous, center-of-attention type than a quiet, sensitive remain-on-the-sidelines type.

The new city dwellers of the 1920s learned to stand out from their peers by adopting high-voltage personalities and a willingness to be the proverbial squeaky wheel. My sister was born with those skills. And they worked for her. She garnered the enviable and fun nicknames of “imp,” “character,” and “pistol.” It was hard not to notice her. It was also hard to get noticed when around her.

As a tender-hearted, read-in-her-room, play-with-dolls, kind of child, I had to really stretch myself to stand out. As teenagers, my sister and I both had a lot of friends, but she played team sports, was on the homecoming court, and was never without a boyfriend. I did not lack for social activities. I was a pom-pom girl and had a circle of six or more close girlfriends. I felt safe in these groups. I had the occasional short-term boyfriend. I was not a standout, but I was happy, except when compared to my sister.

WHY EXTROVERSION IS ADMIRED

Extroverts still hold the top seat for ideal personality, although introverts have gained ground in the last few years, thanks to Susan Cain’s book, a positive correlation between the Internet and introvert skills, and a new appreciation by everyone for downtime and solitude due to their rareness in this frenetic world.

One reason society still prefers the extroverted personality type is the perceived and proven idea that extroverts are more financially successful. In February of 2015, Truity Dyometrics did a survey regarding career income and personality type. Personality type was determined by answers to the survey and their correlation with the sixteen MBTI (Myers–Briggs Personality Indicator) types. According to the results, extroverted types (those with an E as the first letter of their four-letter Myers–Briggs code) made the most money and coincidentally managed the most people. Extroverts are more apt to take managerial positions, which often earn larger salaries.

Salary isn’t everything, though! The Truity questionnaire also revealed that job satisfaction did not correlate with greater income.

Charisma and the ability to influence others with overt communication are two qualities deemed by the general public as representative of leaders. Leaders earn more money.

This is not to say introverts are not effective leaders. Two separate studies facilitated by Wharton Business School professor and author Adam Grant and two colleagues, professor Francesca Gino of Harvard Business School and professor David Hofman of the Kenan-Flagler Business School at the University of North Carolina, showed introverts to be the most effective managers or leaders of innovators and self-directed employees. Introverted leaders are more apt to listen to their subordinates, stay open to suggestions, and grant them autonomy. This ultimately results in superior outcomes.

Employees looking for direction fare better with extroverted leaders. Extroverted leaders inspire action in passive employees.

I took the Myers–Briggs Personality Type Indicator test for the first time as a young twentysomething working for office furniture manufacturer Steelcase as a sales administrator. Much to my frustration, I neither have those results, nor remember the exact four-letter code I received, but I do know the first letter was an I, for Introversion.

Surrounded by humorous and outgoing salespeople, I did my best to keep my scarlet letter to myself. I wanted the coveted E for extrovert because E meant well-liked, fun, popular, and even successful. I meant forever in the shadows as the administrator behind the higher-earning, more striking salesperson. It didn’t matter that I did not want the job of salesperson—I once got so nervous, I vomited prior to a face-to-face walk-through with the end-user at the close of a job. It only mattered that I had the more quiet, inhibited personality type that most likely would not rise very high in the corporate standings.

Even today, in a seemingly introvert-friendly culture permeated with technologies that allow us to “connect” via the Internet and texting, the pace and quantity of connections feels more extroverted than introverted. Traditionally introverted careers, such as writing, require social media presence and repeated exposure of the public to you and your work. Authors must develop marketing platforms or branding to showcase their writing, style, and persona. I’ve seen a hierarchy of introvert writers and social media personalities develop based on their number of followers and their social media presence. Those introverted authors who more aggressively market themselves, engage in more collaborative projects, and present lively personalities edge out the traditionally introspective authors.

As an introverted writer, it’s difficult for me to watch colleagues reach and announce 100,000 followers on Facebook and market yet another webinar for the masses. It almost feels like a betrayal of our type and, at the same time, makes me feel like I am falling behind. Why can’t I promote and publish as much as Author A? The answer is that I don’t have the time or energy to do that. My introverted nature has reached its maximum output between running a household, parenting, coaching, writing, and maintaining an intimate relationship. My social energy is cooked.

DOES EXTROVERSION EQUAL HAPPINESS?

Several studies claim extroversion correlates with happiness. Who doesn’t want maximum happiness in their life? But how is happiness defined in these studies?

In a study titled “The Happiness of Extroverts,” done by Michael Argyle and Luo Lu of Oxford University in 1990, happiness was found to have three components:

1. Frequency and degree of positive affect, or joy; 2. The average level of satisfaction over a period; and 3. The absence of negative feelings, such as depression and anxiety. These components can be shortened to positive affect, satisfaction, and the absence of distress.

The Oxford study of 130 subjects focused on the subjects’ level of extroversion and their effects of joy and satisfaction. Introverts were simply defined by their absence of extroverted traits, primarily the reduction or absence of social interactions and activities.

Data was collected on happiness, social activities, and personality (extroversion–introversion) via the Oxford Happiness Inventory (OHI), a social activity scale which inquiries about enjoyment and frequency of participation in activities with varying levels of interactions, i.e. “taking a long bath”, “a quiet chat with a friend,” or “going to the pub,” and the extroversion scale from the EPQ (Extended Project Qualification, a test taken pre-university in the United Kingdom, similar to the SAT or a more subjective equivalent).

Introverts were found to withdraw more from social situations and extroverts were found to be happier than introverts. Gender was not a significant factor, except that females were found to enjoy party settings more than males. An interesting point found in the study was that merely judging an activity as enjoyable did not correlate with happiness. Participation did correlate with happiness. The biggest predictor of unhappiness? Withdrawal from social activities. The more withdrawal, the bigger the effect on your happiness, principally the less happiness experienced.

The Oxford study gave two explanations for the results that extroverts are generally happier than introverts: 1. Extroverts engage in more social activities, which enhances happiness; and 2. Introverts withdraw more from social situations, which reduces happiness.

The study further declared that participation in social activities predicts happiness, independent of extroversion or introversion. This indicates that introverts could be happier if they participated in more social engagements. It is not their personality that holds them back or the extrovert’s personality that propels them ahead in happiness levels. The biggest takeaway here is that the avoidance of social activities significantly decreases happiness.

One question that arose from the correlational study was whether happiness was a by-product of extroverted behavior or extroverted behavior was a by-product of happiness. Could the causation go both ways? That is, could a happy introvert engage in more extroverted behavior and create a positive feedback loop of happiness? And what is happiness, anyway?

In a Psychology Today article titled “Are Extroverts Really Happier?” PhD assistant professor of psychiatry Arnie Kozak looks at happiness through the introvert’s lens. He states that correlations between extroversion and happiness are based on how extroversion is measured. Studies do not measure positively valued introvert qualities or, in some cases, the absence of inherent extroversion. Kozak asks us to look at pioneering positive psychologist Martin Seligman’s facets of happiness, represented in the acronym PERMA: Positivity, Engagement, Relationships, Meaning, and Accomplishment. In Seligman’s version of happiness, if we find meaning in an activity or idea, we do not have to strive for extroverted types of happy experiences. Positive emotions flow, with or without socializing.

Dr. Kozak reminds us of the contentment or equanimity the Buddha exhibited. The Buddha remained peaceful, regardless of the outer environment. Introverts have access to rich inner experiences (as do extroverts, but they do not experience the same energy boost). If we expand our definition of happiness beyond a high-arousal, extrovert-dominated one, and include low-arousal, introvert-based feelings (contentment, peacefulness, calm, appreciation), the correlations to happiness change.

A comment on Dr. Kozak’s article brought up an interesting difference between extroverts and introverts. The commenter said introverts don’t necessarily prefer less time in groups (socializing), but are more focused with their interests and relationships. When in groups or relationships that advance their interests, and make efficient use of their time, introverts are happy.

DEPENDENCE PORTION OF THE MATURITY CONTINUUM

When speaking of the maturity continuum—dependence > independence > interdependence—Stephen R. Covey, author of the classic leadership and personal success book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, said, “Dependence is the paradigm of you—you take care of me; you come through for me; you didn’t come through; I blame you for the results.”

At the dependence maturity level, the locus of control is in other’s hands. Just as physical dependence requires others to care and provide sustenance for us, intellectual dependence demands that others think and make decisions for us. If we are emotionally dependent, we lean on others to elevate our moods and give us a sense of security and self-worth. As individuals in the dependence stage, we believe our self-worth is determined by what others think of us.

For introverts, that often means we undervalue our nature because the external community values high-energy, friendly, fun, talkative, outgoing, popular people. It often means we adjust our demeanor to align with the external world’s expectations. We put on our active, vocal, group-focused masks and carry on.

As an adult, I chose a business degree from a large university instead of the English literature teaching degree I initially considered. In my mind, a bold business career in corporate America trumped a bookish, introspective career in academia. The potential for a high salary was greater, and honestly, the corporate world seemed like a confident and more successful person’s choice. I admired those with business aspirations and abilities so much that I married a Finance major who later earned an MBA. His personality lived up to my revered extroverted expectations. He spoke quickly and with conviction. He thrived on completion. I was in awe. He garnered a very high salary to go with his high-powered personality. He represented the extrovert ideal.

The perspective that extroversion is the ideal is pervasive in our culture.

I’ve seen well-meaning suburban moms set up bonfire parties and sleepovers for their daughters, who, much to their mother’s dismay, want to stay in their room and read or watch videos.

My client, Carrie (not her real name), once told me of a time when she and her sister were at a bar and met a few men who worked in marketing for a big corporation. Carrie was also in marketing. Although the men would never guess it, she was also a true introvert. She dazzled them with her smile, witty stories, and confidence. Carrie’s sister even commented admiringly about how “on” and outgoing Carrie was at the bar. The men found her and her sister so engaging they invited them to their company Christmas party that night. Carrie went to the party. Once there, she found herself in group discussions where everyone had to answer questions like, “What is your favorite Christmas memory?”. This on-the-spot questioning gave Carrie a little anxiety—introverts often find off-the-cuff speaking challenging—but she answered with rousing cheers from the group. She knew she had won them over.

The next day Carrie felt “gross” and out-of-sorts, and it wasn’t because she drank too much at the party. She had put on a heavy extroverted mask the day before and now her spirit was flagging. She had charmed everyone but left her real self out in the cold. She felt so low and misrepresented she began to question whether she could stay in the marketing business.

This constant reconciling of the outer world with our true inner world, takes a toll on introverts.

ANXIETY AND INTROVERTS

Often the result of constant reconciling is anxiety. Anxiety is both an emotion and a clinical condition.1 The emotion anxiety is natural. Anxiety is predicting or preparing for a negative outcome to a future situation. While waiting for results from a medical biopsy, we experience anxiety. While driving to a first date, sweaty palms or butterflies in the stomach are normal. Simply feeling anxious is not a major cause for concern. According to Dr. Rob Lamberts, MD, in his article, “How Can You Tell If You Have Anxiety?,” two things separate the emotional state of anxiety from the clinical condition: duration and severity. To officially diagnose someone with clinical anxiety, the symptoms must significantly affect the daily life of the individual and must have existed for at least three months. However, Dr. Lamberts admits that most cases are diagnosed prior to three months.

A common definition of emotional anxiety is a feeling of powerlessness and helplessness. If we cannot control something that could potentially harm us, we feel anxious. In clinical anxiety, life feels out of control. It is possible to feel anxious about feeling anxious, which compounds clinical anxiety.

Many introverts report feeling overwhelmed or lost in rumination when they experience excessive stimulation and too many pulls on their attention. Since introverts are energy conservers who rejuvenate by spending quiet time with their thoughts, ideas, and feelings, they get drained when forced to focus on many external influences. They experience racing mind, where thoughts run like bullet trains through their brains. This causes physical lethargy, where their bodies feel heavy and their ability to speak declines. They may express extra emotions. If they are not able to recover in low-stimulation settings, their energy diminishes and they feel out of control. Too much stimulation quickly leads to anxiety for an introvert.

It should be noted that anxiety—both the emotion and clinical condition—can wreak havoc on our physical as well as our mental health. For example, if we feel stress every day after lunch when our new, short-tempered boss goes over our work with a fine-toothed comb, we may start to suffer from digestive problems. Our boss’s critical eye and short fuse become perceived threats to that primitive part of our brain which still prepares for saber-toothed tiger attacks, hence setting in motion the fight-or-flight response. When under threat, our brain sends a message to our gut to slow down its digestive process, so that we can focus blood flow to the extremities (arms and legs), in case we have to fight or flee.

Anxiety can appear as an enduring, non-specific worry or dread, which is called generalized anxiety disorder (GAD), or it can appear in episodic flare-ups such as with a panic disorder or phobia. According to Dr. Lamberts, these kinds of anxiety call for professional help, but other methods of attenuating anxiety’s symptoms are:

 • Not feeling ashamed. We do not choose to experience anxiety. It’s the result of genetic sensitivity and environmental influences

 • Looking for root causes. Usually something in our past has not been resolved. Understanding why we feel the way we do is a step toward healing

 • Talking to someone. If the anxiety is manageable, then talking with a trusted friend, family member, or religious leader might help. A professional is recommended if your anxiety affects day-to-day living

 • Taking medication. Under the guidance of a professional, short- or long-term medication can be helpful. Short-term medications, like Valium, are addictive. If they are needed more than a few times a week, long-term daily options are suggested

SOCIAL ANXIETY

Sometimes anxiety centers on interactions with others, as is the case with social anxiety disorder. Social anxiety is the fear of social or performance situations in which embarrassment, judgment, criticism, or rejection are perceived to be dangers. Performance can mean something as simple as speaking up during a group project. Social anxiety and shyness go hand in hand.

Social anxiety is all too familiar to many introverts. Is there a difference between introversion and social anxiety disorder? Yes. Dr. Ellen Hendriksen, clinical psychologist at Boston University’s Center for Anxiety and Related Disorders, says there are four differences:

1.	Like introverts, the socially anxious crowd has a genetic predisposition toward its traits, but there are two other influences. The first is that we learn that we do not measure up to scrutiny. Perhaps we had a fretful parent who always worried about what the neighbors thought, or an older sibling who over-powered us at every turn. Somehow, we learned that we are always being judged and found lacking.
	The second key ingredient to social anxiety is avoidance. We intentionally miss out on social interactions. We go to the store late at night to avoid running into anyone we know. We leave parties early or don’t attend at all to stave off the potential of saying something embarrassing.
	In contrast, introversion is primarily a part of our inherent personality. We are born with the genetic trait and the brain processes unique to introverts, such as extra blood flow to the parts of the brain responsible for remembering, solving problems, and planning.
2.	A fear of revealing a flaw or vulnerability. In social anxiety, we think there is something wrong with us. If we socialize too much, someone may discover the chink in our armor. In order to avoid judgment, we play it small and keep our presence unobtrusive. If we don’t stand out, we won’t get picked on. The truth is these flaws are only legitimate to us. Most people would not consider them an issue. Dr. Hendriksen gives appearance as an example of a perceived flaw. Perhaps we think we will turn beet red when all eyes are on us (and people will care), or we were always the “ugly” sister and fear being picked on for our looks. Fears of looking stupid or incompetent are also perceived defects that hold back those with social anxiety.Introversion alone may make us prefer to listen more than talk, but this is not out of a fear of revealing something about us that could permanently damage our self-worth.
	Social anxiety may fluctuate depending on the audience. Close and trusted companions may free the socially anxious to be themselves and to contribute. Strangers may cause the anxious to withdraw in fear of making a mistake or not knowing what to say. Acquaintances and coworkers may require the socially anxious to develop a false persona.
	The creation of a social persona/self helps many people identify and participate within a group. Some call it their “game face” or their “work smile.” It helps them feel a sense of belonging; however, the social self, if too removed from the true self, feels extra heavy and draining.
	Perfectionism rears its ugly head in social anxiety. The only way to prevent harsh criticism is to be perfectly witty, charismatic, beautiful, and smart. The pressure to not make mistakes paralyzes us. For example, we may decline a friend’s invitation to try out a new yoga class because we are afraid we won’t be able to do the poses and others will make fun of us.
	The non-socially-anxious do not feel every interaction is a do-or-die performance. They don’t beat themselves up if they forget someone’s name or deliver a dull response to a question. They give themselves permission to make mistakes, and they believe others will forgive them too.
3.	Social anxiety gets in the way of living our life. When fear drives our behavior, we miss out on what others have to offer. We skip events, we avoid social interaction. And even when we are physically present, we are mentally absent because we are focused on what could go wrong. Remember the Oxford University study we talked about earlier? This kind of social avoidance is associated with lower happiness levels
	Introversion is distinct from clinical social anxiety. Introverts may leave parties early or stay home in the first place, but they choose to do so. They could spend time talking and joking with friends at the party, but they prefer to have a nice, quiet dinner at home with their significant other. It is a preference not a fear that drives their decisions.

SOCIAL ANXIETY DISORDER AND CHEMICAL DEPENDENCY

A study called the “Oregon Depression Project” followed the lives of 1709 adolescents until their thirtieth birthdays (although many participants dropped out before they hit thirty). The study showed a correlation between social anxiety and alcohol and marijuana dependency, but no correlation between social anxiety and alcohol and marijuana abuse.

Drug abuse is an intense desire to use increasing amounts of a particular substance to the exclusion of other activities. Drug dependence is the body’s physical need for a specific agent; dependency and addiction are the same thing.

After controlling for theoretically relevant variables such as the presence of other anxiety disorder diagnoses and previous substance use dependencies, the correlation between a lifetime history of social anxiety disorder (SAD) and a lifetime history of alcohol and marijuana dependency remained.

According to an article on Susan Cain’s website Quiet Revolution by Dr. Hendriksen titled, “Hope in a Bottle: The Link Between Alcohol and Social Anxiety”, the socially anxious turn to liquid courage to quell their social inhibitions. Alcohol serves a few purposes for the socially afraid. It loosens them up before the party and gives them the courage to even attend the shindig. Once at the event, alcohol serves as the magic elixir that makes them fun, entertaining and relaxed. Alcohol also helps the socially anxious drown their sorrows and mellow their memories after a perceived failed night of mixing and mingling. “I should not have said that!” “What was I thinking wearing the bright pink sweater? I stood out like a pink elephant.”

Especially troubling is that although people with SAD drink less overall than other, non-SAD people, their incidence of hazardous drinking with negative consequences was much higher. Their infrequent attendance of social functions keeps their alcohol consumption low overall, but when they do imbibe, they go all out. The heavy exposure, low tolerance, and inexperience put them in danger of risky behavior such as indiscriminate sex or failure to show up for work.

Many of the plaguing hallmarks of SAD—fear of not living up to scrutiny, fear of revealing a flaw, perfectionism—come out at parties. Alcohol and/or drugs ameliorate a person’s perceived social shortcomings. It isn’t long before a person with SAD believes he or she needs the mood-altering drug to fit in at all, hence the resulting dependency.

Interestingly, the definition of SAD found in the DSM-IV (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) does not include the avoidance of social activities. Without this criterion, sufferers of SAD appear to experience greater incidents of alcohol use dependency. The avoidance criterion in the DSM-III definition kept the SAD individuals who did not attend as many social events (they avoided them) in the calculations, thus reducing the numbers associated with increased risk of lifetime alcohol dependence.

BREAKING THE BARRIER OF SOCIAL ANXIETY

We all experience awkward social moments and those moments when our hearts pound out of our chests. I have a particularly strong reaction—immediate perspiration, flushing of the face—when I feel I am being oserved. If a conversation suddenly swings so that all eyes are on me, it is not uncommon for me to forget where I was going with my dialogue. Times from my childhood when my sister pounced on an error in my speech or made fun of my contribution to the conversation still haunt me. But I am happy to say (yes, I’m a happy introvert) that such moments do not hold me back from taking part in the world. I enthusiastically put myself out into the mix of socializing, loving and learning.

Here are a few of the action steps I’ve employed myself and recommend to push past the barrier of social anxiety:

1 1. Leave your comfort zone. Home is so nice and safe because it either holds people you know well or offers solitude with no people at all. If you leave the comfort zone of your home, however, you can find and forge new places where you can have social interactions without feeling emotionally unsafe. The key to finding an encouraging and kind atmosphere is to think about what you love to do. Do you get a rush from exercising? Join a group class that includes music you enjoy. Most classes meet regularly. You will see the same people every week. They will become familiar and, as a bonus, they also love fitness and the same type of music. Maybe you want a more serene setting than the gym. How about a writing class or a guitar lesson, which combine solitary practice, one-on-one coaching, and group workshops or performances? I have personally used these two settings to launch myself into new social circles and increase my repertoire of skills, although the guitar lessons proved more of a boon for making like-minded friends than for becoming a musical talent. Take small but committed steps. If you sign up for a class and pay for it, chances are you will follow through. I chose a writing class for beginners in a part of the city where I didn’t know anyone. I often find it easier to try new skill-building activities among strangers. If I do make a mistake, I won’t run into my new classmates at the grocery store or my kids’ schools. Much like the rural farm people who moved into the city for industrial jobs in the early 1900s, I am emboldened by anonymity. Once in a new place with new people, I take the time to notice how I feel. Am I energized? Do I feel safe to make mistakes? If the answer is yes, I dig in deep and buoy my social strength by slowly increasing my participation. For example, I may ask the teacher or a fellow participant a question after class.

2 2. Ask questions. Most people are experts on themselves, so ask open-ended questions about their lives and interests. A simple, “What do you love to do in your free time?” can easily garner a few minutes of conversation. Note that this question is unintimidating and that there are no right or wrong answers, so even other socially anxious introverts will find it easy to respond. Other examples of safe and conversation-generating questions are, “So you are from Chicago. What do you miss about that city?” or “How did you meet your boyfriend/husband/girlfriend/wife?” In her book, If You Want to Write: A Book about Art, Independence and Spirit, Brenda Ueland says that most people will find you extremely charming and witty if you ask questions about them. Bonus: there is no fear of revealing too much if you’re the one asking questions.

3 3. Volunteer or help someone. I’ve been a part of several volunteer organizations. Who can fault, make fun of, or complain about someone who is volunteering his or her time? Again, pick an area that interests you—child welfare, education, cancer research, animal rescue, etc.—and dip your toe in. Commit to attending at least three sessions. Giving to others feels good and puts you in environments with other generous, thoughtful people. Volunteers tend to be unintimidating, open-minded, and open-hearted people. I have seen introverts take on jobs at friends’ parties, such as stocking the food table or cleaning up afterwards. The sense of purpose and focus gives them the ability to take part in the event and even stay longer than planned.

4 4. Make socializing manageable. Invite one or two people out for lunch. Approach people one at a time. Introverts are usually more comfortable in one-on-one settings. Even at a neighborhood BBQ, it is possible to get a neighbor alone on the edge of the gathering and discuss subjects near and dear to you. If you are especially brave, attend an event by yourself. You look more approachable to others if you are alone. I started attending church by myself, and found I was quite popular at the coffee hour afterward. I enjoyed the service part of church, which allowed me to be in my head and relatively anonymous, but then was able to circulate in small doses with one or two people afterward. Gaining the friendship of people at a manageable pace—one or two at a time—works perfectly for introverts and making one new friend often leads to introductions to more new friends.

The eight practices outlined in the following chapters will expand on and provide additional methods of alleviating the anxiety that introverts experience while living and loving in an extroverted world.