Читать книгу The Quiet Rise of Introverts - Brenda Knowles - Страница 14

Stephen Covey said that independence is the paradigm of I. “I can do it; I am responsible; I am self-reliant; I can choose.” After passing through the dependent stage of the maturity continuum, we hone skills to get what we want ourselves, rather than depending on others to do it for us. We physically do the work ourselves. We mentally think and make decisions for ourselves. We emotionally validate ourselves from within. We self-direct and act on our own accord instead of reacting to the stimuli of others.

We may think we’ve left dependency in the dust, but, we often have emotional dependencies. The immature or insensitive behavior of others still controls our reactions. We still take on a victim mentality and complain about the state of our lives, blaming others for our misfortune.

A way to test whether we are stuck in dependency is to change our circumstances and see if unhappiness persists. A dependent individual remains unhappy or returns to an unhappy state relatively quickly, if they are not truly inner-directed.

Independence is not the same as individualism. Individualism conjures up “do your own thing” images of liberated and somewhat self-centered people. Independence, for our purposes, is a close relative of autonomy. Along with mastery and purpose, autonomy is one of the three basic human needs, according to motivation and self-determination theorists Edward Deci and Richard Ryan. If we want to motivate a human, we should give him or her autonomy, something to master and the opportunity to be part of something bigger than him or herself.

Our current culture values independence (and sometimes individualism) and deplores anything that smacks of neediness or dependence. You are complete on your own. You don’t need a man/woman! Pick yourself up by the bootstraps! Even though educational and professional settings emphasize group projects (introvert nightmares) and collaboration, independence is still revered. We reward and praise those who think independently and make decisions quickly. We see them as smart.

In parenting, the goal of most parents is to teach their children how to live on their own, each maturity stage taking the kids further and further away from home. This may, however, be changing. A 2014 Pew study of recent housing trends found that more 18–34-year-olds live with their parents than either on their own or with a significant other. But despite the statistics, living in your parent’s home still carries a certain stigma.

Inner direction is a leg up maturity-wise, compared to being externally directed. It requires the wherewithal to act on our own, regardless of circumstances and others’ opinions. Although independence is more mature than dependence, it is still missing the key element of relating to others. Independence does provide the necessary foundation for interdependence though, which we will discuss in Section III.

As introverts move along the maturity continuum, we move further away from dependency on our parents and society’s view of us. No longer do we blame others for our misfortunes or give them credit for our successes. It’s all on us now. The paradigm of “I” replaces the paradigm of “You.” Because we are more self-directed, we examine our lives and figure out what we need to feel successful in our own way. When we know ourselves, it is easier to be morally and soulfully articulate. It is easier to both advocate for and accept ourselves.

As we fuel the flames of independence, we figure out who we are, what we need, how to take care of ourselves, and how to be our best selves.

THE PURPOSE OF EACH PRACTICE

Each of the following chapters introduces a practice and principles that support it. The purpose of each practice is to help the reader become more effective and fulfilled in everyday living. Applying the practices and using the principles as guidance help you reduce anxiety and feel the energy and ease of living meaningfully, while moving along the maturity continuum.