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A good working routine is essential now your child is at nursery, as you will be expected to have your child there on time, washed, dressed and breakfasted, not rushing in late (and irritable) from having being dragged out of bed. Apart from allowing your household to run smoothly, routine gives your child security and reassurance, and reduces confrontation. If Tom knows he has to be up and dressed at a certain time every morning, or have his bath at 7.00 p.m. every evening, then he will be expecting it, and be less likely to put up resistance.

I am talking here not about a dogmatic and inflexible routine, such as that which some child-rearing gurus enforce on a child right from babyhood, but a sensible working routine that accommodates all family members and allows the household to run smoothly. Obviously always allow plenty of time in the morning for the things you have to do before you leave the house. Leaving in a last-minute dash will find you stressed, short on patience, and with frustration and confrontation setting in when Tom dawdles. The morning routine you develop now will continue with some modification when your child starts school.

Use the 3Rs to put your routine in place. For example: Tom has to get up and dressed in the morning ready for nursery, but getting ready at a set time can often cause a young child a problem. First, Request Tom to get dressed, having laid out the clothes he is to wear: ‘Tom, it’s time to get dressed now, ready for nursery.’ Say it positively, expecting Tom to do as asked (even if experience has taught you that that is unlikely). If Tom doesn’t do as you have asked within a reasonable time, then Repeat the Request: ‘Tom, get dressed now, please. We don’t want to be late for nursery. What would you like for breakfast?’ Adding this question or something similar – for example, ‘What would you like to do after nursery?’ – will give Tom something else to think about rather than not getting dressed.

If Tom still refuses, then Reassure and Reaffirm, with the offer of helping him dress. Although Tom can dress himself, children can and do regress at this age, and it is better to reduce your expectations a little and offer help, if it achieves what you want with cooperation. If there is still no cooperation from Tom, despite your offer to help him, or if Tom resists you, then remind him of the sanction for not complying with your Reasonable Request: ‘Tom, I want you to get dressed now, please. I don’t want to stop your television time’ (or whatever sanction you are using). If he still refuses, then say, ‘Tom, I’ve asked you three times to get dressed. You’ve lost ten minutes’ television time. Get dressed now; you don’t want to lose twenty minutes.’ Tom will soon realise that the longer he refuses to comply with your Request, the more of his treat (of television) will be lost. Obviously you must remember to impose the sanction, as not seeing it through will quickly undermine your authority and render this and future sanctions ineffective.

If, having had previous negative experiences, you foresee a problem – for example, Tom not getting up, refusing to have his bath or go to bed – then allow extra time for completing what you want Tom to do. Make sure the needs of any other siblings have been met before you see to Tom, so that you can concentrate on him, his routine and what he has to do, without interruption.