Читать книгу The Zombie and his Existential Crisis - Chantal Spies - Страница 4

The duke was busy applying his evening face-mask while his black unicorn, Fox, was lying in front of the fireplace reading Shakespeare. Out of nowhere, a big-ass black crow flew into his chamber. “Oh, my goodness! Mother! Are you trying to give me a heart attack? Maybe you could try using the chamber door sometimes?” The duke was definitely the nervous type.

“No time to be a cry-baby. I have some news.” the crow said in a scratchy voice. “Oh dear! Are we out of Red Sea mineral mud? Now that would be a catastrophe. My complexion won’t tolerate anything else.” He was rather fond of his appearance. Like mother like son perhaps. “No. Prince Frederick came back from the dead. As a zombie” the crow informed him. “What!?” the duke and the unicorn shouted in unison. “Yes- he is alive! Well, sort of. When I heard the rumors, I thought it can’t be true, but then I flew over the graveyard and I saw him with my very own eyes!” the crow said. “But that’s a good thing, isn’t it? I mean now him and Minna can still get married.” the duke said. . “Don’t be silly! A princess certainly won’t be allowed to marry a corpse!” the crow snapped back. Fox the unicorn looked at the crow with a concerned look and silently mouthed: “All okay?”. The crow nodded her head. “Well, I just thought I’d share the news, I better be off again” and with that the crow flew away.

She flew inside her bedroom chamber where a time travel ghost was waiting for her. “Put me in touch with Goga”. The time travel ghost stretched its body and a blurry apparition appeared of the silhouette of a woman’s back with slimy long hair. “I know why you are calling” The silhouette said in a deep voice. “Wow, news travels fast.” The crow said. “I already have a plan how to kill Frederick…properly this time.” The voice responded. “You know you can’t kill something that is already dead, right?” The crow said. “But you can make it cease to exist.” the voice replied. “By cease to exist you mean they won’t cross over to the other side? They’ll just be dead. Dead-dead?” The crow asked. “Exactly! And all that needs to be done is to is pierce the part of his brain that controls his consciousness: the claustrum. Voilà. Finíssimo. Eternity in the abyss.” The voice said.

“How exactly do you plan on piercing that particular part of the brain?” The crow was skeptical. The voice replied: “Oh, you just leave that to me.”

Frederick walked back to the graveyard with Lord George on his shoulder. “It all feels so surreal. As though I’m a character in some psychotic writer’s twisted fairytale.” he said. “Tell me about it! I’m a damn insect. The only impressive thing about me is that I can hold my breath for 40 minutes and live a week without my head.” George was catching his friend’s pessimism. “I wish I was dead, truly dead. Safe and sane on the other side. None of this miserable, zombie existence.” Frederick said as he dragged his feet as he walked.

“I believe that we find ourselves in this predicament because we have unfinished business on this side.” George said. “What unfinished business exactly? If I knew then I could take care of the matter and leave. Too bad this whole living-death nonsense doesn’t come with an instruction manual.” Frederick was growing frustrated. “That is what we must find out my prince.” George felt a gush of determination.

“Do you hear that?” a noise startled Frederick. “My prince your hearing is incredibly good, because I hear noth-- no wait! I do hear a buzzing sound. Almost like giant--” George shrieked. They looked up. A swarm of giant wasps with glowing red eyes bulleted straight at them. “Run!” Frederick shouted.

They sprinted at superhuman speed. Finally, a perk to being not-human. The wasps’ buzzing made the earth shiver under Frederick’s feet. They ran faster and faster, but the vicious wasps attacked. Their massive stingers stabbing madly in every direction.

Thankfully, most of those shots were misses. Frederick was impressed by his excellent zombie reflexes. But he was more impressed by the speed at which George was running. Lord George was never the sporty type during their pre-dead life.

Swoosh-swoosh. Stab- stab! The stingers came down again and again. Every time missing Frederick’s neck by a fraction of an inch. “If I wasn’t ectothermic… and… if I had gluteus maximus muscles, I’d be sweating my butt off right now!” Lord George said. “We need a plan otherwise we’re gonna get our butts kicked! Anything?” Frederick shouted back.

“In here!” George shouted and ran towards a rundown stable. He slipped underneath the door, ran up to the handle and opened it for Frederick. The zombie ran inside and slammed the door right against a giant stinger. The wasp kept trying to shove the door open and Frederick pushed right back. Finally, he managed to shut the door. But the wasp’s stubborn sword came closer and closer to his face.

Just then George slipped underneath the door again ran up to the belly of the wasp and tickled it. The wasp giggled and Frederick managed to shut the door. George slipped back inside through a tiny crack. Just when they thought they were safe another stinger pierced through the roof. Then came dozens more.

“We need a plan!” Frederick shouted again. “I might have a plan, but I don’t like the plan.” George said. “What and why?” he asked. “My plan involves someone I’m not really fond of.” The roach’s quirks came at the worst possible time. “Don’t be picky Lord George. In case you haven’t noticed, we’re about to die here! Again.”

“Alright! Alright!” he shouted and slipped through the door again. “Where are you going?!” The stingers persisted through the thatched roof. Frederick grabbed a rusty shovel and tried to beat them away. But more and more came through until the entire roof caved in.

Even though Frederick was dead and his body didn’t produce adrenaline his knees still shook under the red eyes of a hundred bad-ass-looking wasps. He placed his arms in front of his face ready for the worst. Suddenly, he heard the sound of off-key trumpets. The wasps became covered in a light green fog that smelled like cheese and feet. One by one the flying wasps fell to the ground. The zombie couldn’t believe what he saw. The green murky gas started to lift, revealing an army of farting ghosts.

“My prince! My prince!” Frederick turned around and saw George running towards him. “Lord George, what on earth are these creatures?” he asked. “It’s an army of flatulating phantoms my prince.”

“Farting ghosts? This is madness!” the zombie looked as though he was about to be sick.

“Well this madness saved your life!” George huffed.

“Thank you farting ghosts!” he called out. One of them, Gaston, flew down towards them and bowed, “At your service, my prince” Frederick bowed back, “Thank you so much for saving my life. Not that I have a life to save. But thank you any way.” Gaston smiled, “It is our pleasure to help. That evil sea-witch, Goga, is also an enemy of ours.”

“Huh, what sea-witch? Who or what is a sea-witch?” Fred feared the answer would be as ridiculous as everything else he encountered that night. “My prince, only the sea-witch has the power to turn peace loving wasps into monsters.” Gaston said. “Peace loving wasps? Have you gone mad?” George said.

“Excuse me, but wasps provide extremely important ecological services, including pollination, predation and parasitism. And, most importantly, without wasps the future would’ve had no Fig Newtons!” Gaston said.

“Alright, alright guys! I know it’s a lot to ask, but can you please be a little less extra right now?” Frederick asked. “I cannot promise anything, but I will try my best.” Gaston said. “And you, Lord George?” he asked. “Alright. I will try, but not very hard.” Frederick rolled his eyes at the little bug and turned to Gaston again, “You were about to explain what exactly a sea-witch is.”

“Ah, yes. Goga, the sea-witch. She has incredibly strong, dark magical powers. Also, she seems to dislike you two very much from the looks of things.” Gaston scratched his beard and surveyed the unconscious wasps littered all over the ground. “So, she is an actual crow? As in a bird?” Fred was puzzled. “Well, there are rumors that she used to be human before she traded part of her human form for dark powers. Now she’s a bird.” Gaston replied. Frederick scratched his head and said: “But why would she want to harm me? Maybe I did something to anger her while I was still alive. I wish I could just remember.”