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SITUATION #4: IS THAT A FERTILIZED EGG IN THERE OR ARE YOU JUST OVERWEIGHT?

Who can resist a hotel known as one of the most luxurious in Southern Spain? You should have known, though, that the staff of Hotel La Boladilla would be used to beautiful people with figures a little more svelte than yours. Still, the hostess who rubbed your belly and said “Felicidades” (“Congratulations”) was way too forward, not to mention the fact that, unless something went horribly wrong the night before, you’re not expecting.

What to do:

Smile politely, order a whisky from the bar, take a giant swig, rub the hostess’ belly and ask her:

What to say:

¿SABE USTED SI ES UN NIÑO O UNA NIÑA?

“Do you know if it’s a boy or a girl?”

Or, if you’re really infuriated and want to abandon the art of subtlety, then say:

ESTÁ TAN GORDA QUE SU ULTIMO PEDO SE MIDIÓ EN LA ESCALA DE RICHTER.

“You are so fat that your last fart was measured on the Richter scale.”

Why it’s okay to say it:

It’s never forgivable to assume someone is with child. Sure, you may be a bit out of shape, and you’ve probably done a little too much snacking and not enough walking on those evening tapas bar strolls (ir de tapeo) but, until you see someone grunting in stirrups, you never assume she’s pregnant. This señora was either hinting that your vestido was getting a little too tight, or simply being presumptuous and insensitive.

In the know:

Latin cultures tend to be a lot more direct about commenting on physical appearance in a not-so-flattering way. It’s not unusual to hear people affectionately refer to an overweight friend as gordo or gordito (fat), a short friend as enano or enana (dwarf), or someone with a prominent nose as narigudo/nariguda or napión (big-nosed).

EXTRA CREDIT

To avoid the common mistake of trying to say that you’re embarrassed and accidentally announcing an immaculate conception, here are some vulgar slang terms for when you do see a little pink dot:

PREÑADA or ESTAR CON BOMBO

“Bombo” is a bass drum, so this is literally telling someone they have a “drum for a belly.”