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SITUATION #5: BATTLE OF THE BULGE

Ah, the Costa del Sol—the sun, the olive trees, the ocean breeze, the … unsightly bulges! With free public beaches in Marbella you expected a crowd, and you’d been warned about small-time thieves, but this Speedo fashion crime is more than you can tolerate even on a good day.

What to do:

Put on your sunglasses, shield your eyes, and face your towel the other way. If there’s another clear space, it’s worth your while to move … especially since the last thing you want to do is flatter the intruders in an otherwise flawless landscape. Be careful not to give any attention to the men in their “barely there” swimsuits. Before you duck and run, however, turn to the exhibitionist offenders and say:

What to say:

ERES MÁS FEO QUE ENVIAR A TU ABUELA A POR DROGA.

“You are uglier than sending your granny to buy you some drugs.”

Why it’s okay to say it:

There’s a story behind the name Marbella. On a trip to the coast, Queen Isabelle is said to have remarked on the beautiful scene: “¡Qué mar tan bello!” (“what a beautiful ocean!”). It’s your right to enjoy it as well; if you’d wanted to squint at bizarre and unbalanced proportions, you’d have spent the day at the Picasso museum.

In the know:

A few days into your jaunt along coastal Spain and chances are you’ll welcome the sight of any suit at all, after seeing the number of birthday suits out and about. Most beaches in Spain are clothing optional, and Europeans famously let it all hang out on holiday. If you’re up for an extreme au natural experience, there are naturist beaches and nudist colonies aplenty; just be sure you’re clear about where you can and can’t plant your bare nalgamen