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SITUATION #2: REVENGE OF THE YANQUIS

You’re having a great time at a Mediterranean restaurant in Valencia, except that you keep overhearing the wait staff loudly referring to you and your friends as los yanquis. True, you’re downing Coca-Colas like you spent the day in the Sahara desert, and your brother-in-law’s outfit screams Boston suburbia. Still, given how hard you’ve tried to blend in, you feel insulted by the undeserved pet name.

What to do:

Switch to English-only, talk about baseball and hot dogs, point to exotic dishes other people are eating and scrunch up your face in disgust, ask your waiter if they have any apple pie for dessert, and, on your way out, try to get a rousing version of the “Star Spangled Banner” going. (Be persistent; people may not join in at first, but never forget the famous Marseillaise scene in Casablanca.) Finally, just as you are about to slip out the door, double back, go over to your waiter, and let it rip.

What to say:

“ERES MÁS TONTO QUE MIS COJONES.”

“You are stupider than my balls.”

Though the literal translation in English lacks punch, this is a common insult in Spain, and its force will hit hard.

Why it’s okay to say it:

You were polite customers and made every effort to follow the “when in Rome” tradition. By overdoing the yanqui act, then blindsiding the offender with a perfectly pronounced “in-the-know” put-down, you’ll prove that this white boy knows how to salsa.

In the know:

The term guiri refers to a non-Spaniard (usually from America or Western Europe), but it is not necessarily a derisive term (think “gentile” for non-Jew).

EXTRA CREDIT

Here are some insults in several different languages spoken in Spain.

CASTILIAN (SPANISH): CABRÓN

This is literally a billy goat, but when used as an insult it means “cuckold.”

CATALAN: FILL/FILLA DE PUTA

“Son/daughter of a bitch”

GALICIAN: COME BOSTAS

“Eat shit”

EUSKERA: ZOAZ PIKUTARA

This is literally “go to the shit”