Читать книгу Feeling Better - Cindy Goodman Stulberg - Страница 10
ОглавлениеThis week we help you make connections between your feelings and the interactions you have with others. With practice, you’ll become better at naming your feelings, understanding where they come from, and choosing how you want to handle them — with the end result of feeling better.
Let’s say you get home from work, and there are exactly eight pairs of your kids’ shoes cluttering up the hallway. Do you yell? Hide in your room feeling ashamed at your failure to instill personal responsibility in your children? Sigh, put the shoes away, and try to forget about it? Whichever reaction you have, how do you feel?
Imagine that you get a group text from a friend about a party everyone went to last night that you weren’t invited to. Do you text back something catty? Cry? Vent to someone? Depending on your response, how do you feel?
Your coworker invites you out for lunch and out of the blue tells you he doesn’t like the way you act in staff meetings. Do you listen quietly? Angrily defend your behavior? Say nothing and feel nauseous? Tell your spouse about it later? Whichever you do, how does it feel?
Your spouse calls to tell you that, for the third time this week, she can’t take the kids to soccer, because she has to stay late at work. Do you get mad and end the call quickly? Laugh and tell her she owes you dinner out this weekend? Tell her it’s okay, but inside you’re seething? How does your response make you feel?
There are no right or wrong answers to these questions. The point of our scenarios is simply to show that many of our feelings (and our resulting behavior) have an interpersonal component — they’re a direct result of the interactions we have with people every day. These interactions, either immediately or over time, affect our mood.
Making that connection between interactions, feelings, behavior, and mood is important for people who have depression. That’s because depression is a feeling illness. When we’re depressed, we feel sad, lonely, disappointed, angry, frustrated, hopeless, guilty, discouraged, ashamed, and pessimistic. The feelings add up, interaction after interaction, day after day, until we can’t imagine what it would be like to feel good again.
PEP TALK: When you can see connections between your relationships, feelings, and behavior, you’ll be able to make choices that help you feel better.
This week, we’ll help you identify the feelings that you experience as a result of your interactions with others and give you tools to express and manage them in ways that will improve your relationships and help you feel better. Let’s get started.
Feelings and Moods: What’s the Difference?
Feelings are the emotional reactions we have to experiences. When you put a number of similar feelings together, you have a mood.
A fight with your sister will trigger a feeling (or a few). That fight, plus the fact that you dropped your iPhone in the toilet, canceled a coffee date with a friend because you weren’t feeling up to it, skipped lunch, and ate a tub of ice cream, plus the fact that it’s raining for the fourth day in a row — all lead to a low mood. That mood might last for a couple of hours, lifting when your friend calls to check in, your kids come home from a sleepover, or the sun comes out. But it might continue into the next day if, for example, you don’t sleep well that night, stay inside the next day, and let the conflict with your sister simmer.
The Six F-words
The first step to managing our feelings is being able to name them — in the moment. It can be tough. When you see your mother-in-law’s number pop up on your phone, you aren’t asking, “How am I feeling?” You’re probably debating whether to answer the call. When your boss calls you into her office, you skip right past “How am I feeling?” You’re too busy grabbing last month’s sales reports and figuring out how to explain the results. When you’ve just told your friend something personal, you don’t ask, “How am I feeling?” Instead, you’re probably running through the conversation in your head again. “Did I say too much? Does he think I’m weird?”
It’s time to stop, take a breath, and ask yourself: How am I feeling? That’s because when you can name your feelings while you’re in the heat of battle or the throes of despair or anticipating a conversation with your mother-in-law, you’ll make better choices about how — and even whether — to act on them.
There may be dozens of emoticons on your phone, but there are only six main feelings — what we affectionately call the six F-words — sadness, fear, anger, surprise, happiness, and disgust.
These six emotions are hardwired into humans. Fear, for example, prompts the adrenaline-fueled “fight or flight” response. Disgust probably evolved to keep us safe from rotten food and contagious diseases. Anger helps protect us from threats.
Each of the six feelings triggers behavior. Four of them — disgust, fear, sadness, and surprise — cause us to back away from the situation (and the people) that prompted the feeling. Anger and happiness, in contrast, prompt us to engage with people. Anger, when expressed outwardly, usually leads to confrontation. Happiness makes us want to stick around and keep the feeling alive.
PEP TALK: We’re going to ask you to name your feelings a lot. So you might as well make it your new mantra: “How am I feeling? How am I feeling? How am I feeling?”
Naming Feelings
Naming feelings can be a challenge. It’s easier to describe the event or situation as if we were recounting the plot of a movie or giving the play-by-play of a game — “We were in the car, he said this, then I said that” — but that’s telling the story of what happened, not how we were feeling about it.
It’s also common to answer the question “How do you feel?” with words like, “Okay” or “Fine.” (Think of the last time someone asked, “How are you?” You probably said, “Fine.” That response is culturally programmed!) “Okay” and “fine” aren’t real feelings. They’re statements of degree. If you’re okay or fine, you’re saying your feelings aren’t bothering you that much, but you aren’t saying what those feelings are.
Sometimes people will say, “I don’t know how I feel.” That’s understandable. Feelings can be messy, confusing, and changeable, and naming them isn’t a skill that we’re taught very often. In fact, naming feelings is sometimes actively discouraged in some families and communities.
One of Ron’s clients grew up in an abusive family where he wasn’t allowed to express any feelings. When Ron asked him what happiness was, he said he knew what it was intellectually. “I can pretend to be happy, Dr. Frey,” he admitted. “I can play the role. But I don’t actually know what it feels like.” Not many of us will be starting from square one, like Ron’s client. But almost all of us need to practice identifying how we’re feeling.
PEP TALK: Naming feelings is a skill we can learn. Be patient, and don’t forget to practice.
If you’re having a hard time naming your feelings, it can help to pinpoint where in your body you experience different emotions. Disgust is often felt in the belly or the throat. Many people feel fear as a tightness in the chest. Does your face feel hot when you’re angry? Do you feel a heaviness across your shoulders when you’re sad? Do you get headaches after arguing with your husband? Or feel tired after talking about the death of your sister? Maybe your back stops hurting when you’re going to see your grandchildren. All of these are physical expressions of emotions. Tune in to these physical signs, and you may unlock your body’s unique language of feelings.
Sometimes the problem isn’t naming the feelings; it’s knowing which ones, from the overwhelming jumble, are contributing to your depression.
Ana, for example, is resentful that her husband, Peter, gets to go to work and envies his adult conversations and his free time. When he has to work late, she misses him and feels tired and frustrated. She’s lonely most days and feels disappointment that her mom can’t come from Texas to visit because of Ana’s dad’s illness. She’s annoyed and humiliated by her know-it-all mother-in-law’s judgmental surprise visits. She’s anxious about whether she’s taking care of Ruby properly. In a single day, Ana feels happy, uncertain, inadequate, puzzled, confused, scared, excited, loving, and angry. The emotional roller coaster is exhausting.
Our advice to those struggling to name their feelings is to keep it simple. There are only six F-words. Are you feeling angry? Sad? Happy? Surprised? Disgusted? Afraid? After a while you may be able to say you feel furious, jealous, or frustrated instead of just “angry” or anxious, worried or alarmed instead of simply “afraid.” But for now, just choose one of the six. In Ana’s case, focusing on an overriding, general feeling that is affecting her mood (anger, perhaps) rather than on the minute-by-minute changes she experiences will help her figure out what she can do to help herself feel better.
TRY THIS: Keep your feeling list simple at the start. You don’t have to say you feel furious or frustrated or jealous — just say you’re angry.
There are hundreds of words in English to describe feelings. This diversity, which makes for interesting conversations and evocative writing, can make it a challenge to identify an overall feeling when we’re looking for a starting point to feel better.
A few of the words in the chart on the next page fit in more than one category. “Offended” could go under “angry” as well as “disgusted.” “Disillusioned” belongs just as much under “sad” as it does under “surprised.” What matters more than where we list the feeling is what’s causing it. Or, even better, who’s contributing to it.
FEELING WORDS
ANGRY
Aggravated
Agitated
Annoyed
Bitter
Cheated
Displeased
Dissatisfied
Enraged
Envious
Exasperated
Frustrated
Furious
Grumpy
Impatient
Incensed
Indignant
Irate
Irritated
Jealous
Offended
Outraged
Provoked
Resentful
Wrathful
SAD
Alienated
Apathetic
Ashamed
Bored
Defeated
Dejected
Depressed
Despairing
Disappointed
Discontented
Disillusioned
Gloomy
Glum
Grieving
Homesick
Hopeless
Hurt
Ignored
Indifferent
Isolated
Left out
Listless
Lonely
Melancholy
Neglected
Pitiful
Rejected
Remorseful
Sorrowful
Unhappy
Unloved
Weary
Worthless
SURPRISED
Amazed
Astonished
Astounded
Bewildered
Disbelieving
Disillusioned
Dumbfounded
In awe
Shocked
Startled
DISGUSTED
Abhorring
Averse
Contemptuous
Disliking
Hateful
Hostile
Loathing
Nauseous
Offended
Revolted
Scornful
Sickened
HAPPY
Admired
Appreciated
Blissful
Capable
Cared for
Cheerful
Competent
Confident
Connected
Contented
Courageous
Delighted
Determined
Ecstatic
Enthusiastic
Euphoric
Excited
Glad
Gleeful
Hopeful
Joyful
Loved
Optimistic
Peaceful
Proud
Respected
Satisfied
Serene
Thrilled
Triumphant
SCARED
Afraid
Alarmed
Anxious
Apprehensive
Cautious
Dreading
Dubious
Edgy
Fearful
Insecure
Jumpy
Nervous
Overwhelmed
Panicked
Reluctant
Reserved
Shy
Suspicious
Tense
Terrified
Trapped
Uneasy
Wary
Worried
What Does It Mean to Feel Happy?
Every one of us has a need to feel loved, cared for, and connected to others, but there isn’t a single person on earth who wakes up every day feeling happy — not even Oprah. Life isn’t a chick flick, where the girl always gets the guy and everyone lives happily ever after. In real life, we experience triumph and also defeat, joy and also sorrow, delight and also disappointment. If we never felt sad, how would we know how great happiness feels?
It’s important to have realistic expectations of our feelings and mood. Sometimes we’ll feel grouchy. Sometimes we’ll feel angry. Sometimes we’ll feel unloved. And sometimes we’ll feel capable, proud, satisfied, and appreciated. When we’re feeling down and depressed, it’s easy to focus on the feelings we consider “bad,” creating a spiral of negativity that makes it harder for us to recognize the moments when we feel better.
Feelings, in themselves, aren’t good or bad, positive or negative. Don’t judge yourself harshly because you have a moment of insecurity, anxiousness, or displeasure. It’s okay to feel hurt, sad, and angry. Feeling low and blue sometimes is normal. We just need to make sure we have effective tools in place to help lift our spirits when the inevitable down times happen.
PEP TALK: Feelings aren’t good or bad. We need both anger and joy in our lives. It’s what we do with those feelings that makes all the difference.
It might help to think of life as an ever-changing river. Sometimes the water flows gently, sometimes it goes over the rapids, and occasionally there’s a waterfall. From a distance, that waterfall can look beautiful — there’s even a rainbow. But when you’re going over the edge, all you feel is fear for the future and longing for the times when the river was calm and predictable. Most parts of the river of life are normal. What we need to learn is to go with the flow.
MAKE TIME FOR POSITIVE EXPERIENCES
Try to do something that makes you feel good every day, preferably with another person. Play a game (not Solitaire!), go to a yoga class, volunteer, invite a friend for a walk, buy a gift for someone special, text a friend, write a letter, or do something else that you enjoy.
Understanding Anger
Remember when I said feelings aren’t good or bad? That’s hard for many of us to believe when it comes to anger. We see the destructive, wild, and potentially violent side of the emotion and don’t see its helpful side.
When anger is constructively expressed, it allows us to stand up for ourselves, assert our needs, and release tension. But many of us — particularly women — would rather accommodate others than ask for what we need, if it requires raising our voices or being direct. We don’t want to risk fanning the flames of conflict, feeling out of control, or driving other people away.
Keeping the peace by avoiding and denying anger isn’t healthy. We are feeling it. It will come out. And when it does, it can be ugly. We might direct it at ourselves, explode at the person we’re mad at, take it out on innocent bystanders, or transform it into another feeling, such as self-loathing.
PEP TALK: When anger is expressed in a way that’s respectful, it can be a helpful emotion.
Kate, for example, was raised to believe that good girls don’t get angry. She prefers to put her daily irritations, disappointments, and frustrations away in their respective boxes in her anger closet and close the door. She avoids the inevitable conflict between teachers at her school whenever possible and plays peacemaker when conflict lands on her desk — a role she performs well, having practiced the art of diffusing, redirecting, and hiding angry feelings all her life. She’s having a hard time keeping the door of the anger closet closed when it comes to Don, though, and it’s making her feel like a failure.
On the opposite end of the spectrum are those of us who are always angry. It’s our go-to feeling. We rage. We blame. We stew. We slam doors. We yell. We may even break things. We go from zero to a hundred in a millisecond, muttering under our breath or screaming long before we’ve even figured out what’s bothering us.
Ask John what he feels about the people in his life, and the anger surfaces immediately. He’s bitter about his parents. He’s disgusted by his siblings (except his brother, Tom, who simply disappoints him). His coworkers, particularly Alex, are at best irritating and at worst infuriating. There is open conflict in every one of his relationships.
Angry people do experience other feelings — they just don’t recognize them. These other feelings may be painful to think about or may make them sad. So they skip right over them and get mad. If they can uncover the unexpressed feeling — which is actually an indication of an unmet need — they can handle things more constructively.
Acknowledging emotions other than anger would be going against years of conditioning and decades of practice for John. If he’s honest with himself, though, John feels sad and lonely a lot of the time. He wishes people were kinder to him. He feels he’s a nice guy. Why don’t people see it? John’s anger is like a protective shield. He feels he has to stand up for himself, because no one else will.
If you’re an anger-first person like John, ask yourself, “What else am I feeling besides anger?” “What do I really want?” “What am I missing?” Maybe you’re angry because you feel someone isn’t listening to you, or because you feel excluded by your friends, or because you feel misunderstood by your boss. What you’re missing is feeling validated and respected. What you want is to be included and acknowledged. You’re feeling sadness as well as anger. Recognizing that will help you cope.
ALL THAT AND A BAG OF CHIPS
Many people cope with their feelings of sadness, anxiety, and depression by using alcohol, drugs, or food. I’m an emotional eater, so I know exactly how, in the short term, these strategies can help us calm ourselves and ease painful and uncomfortable feelings. But over the longer term, these coping styles may negatively affect our relationships and health. If you’re game to give other approaches a try, we’re here to help.
Next time you want to pour a drink, open a bag of cookies, or light a joint, ask yourself what’s going on right now. Did you just get off the phone with your judgy mother? Did you hear a song that reminded you of someone who isn’t in your life anymore? Are you T minus two hours to leaving for a big party? Once you’ve put your finger on the interpersonal trigger for your desire to self-medicate, ask yourself how you’re feeling. Are you angry? Sad? Afraid? Is there another way you could handle that feeling? Is there someone supportive you could talk to?
It won’t be easy to substitute other coping strategies for self-medication, but stick with it. Over the next few weeks you’ll be learning and practicing skills that will help you feel better — without the bag of chips.
Feelings, Behavior, and Relationships
Working through feelings is a lot like sorting through the stuff you’ve stored in a messy basement. Every item has a story. Every item had value for you at some point. Some items are recent. Some are very old. Some aren’t even yours. It’s hard work figuring out what to keep and what to sell, give away, or toss in the trash. It’s a pain following through on the plan. The whole experience can even be a little embarrassing, depending on what you’re storing down there. But when it’s all done, it feels darn good.
When I was younger, everything made me cry. I cried on the golf course, on the couch, in bed, in the car, at work. I cried when my husband didn’t hit the tennis ball near me, so I had to run to return it. I cried in my bowl of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese, because I thought I was a terrible wife who didn’t know how to cook. I cried when my friend didn’t call me. I cried when she did call me and said something that hurt my feelings. When I was angry, I cried. When I was sad, I cried. When I was afraid, I cried. When something unexpected happened, I cried. I even cried tears of joy.
It took me a long time, with a lot of help from my husband, to learn how to name my feelings, talk about them, and express them in a way that wasn’t uncontrolled weeping. I needed to develop the skills to regulate my emotions — to bring down their intensity without denying or suppressing them.
Feelings are only a problem if they negatively impact you or your important relationships. My constant crying was hard for my husband, who wasn’t sure how to interpret the tears or offer support. It was also hard on me when I wanted to have a constructive conversation. If you’re constantly angry, it may make it difficult for you to keep a job. It may put stress on your marriage. And you may develop high blood pressure. If you keep all your emotions inside, your stoicism might make it hard for you to open up to people and ask for (or accept) help. It may also create conflict with your partner, if he or she needs and expects emotional connection.
TRY THIS: Your feelings are never “wrong” or “bad,” but learning to express them differently can improve your relationships and your health.
If your relationships are full of conflict, stress, disappointment, and sadness, you may want to find ways to manage your feelings differently, so you can maintain a job, a marriage, relationships with family and friends, and your health. Either that, or you can find new friends, a new partner, and a new job. (Sadly, we only get one body, although parts of us do get replaced as we age!)
What’s Your Interpersonal Style?
People usually have well-established ways of interacting with others that impact their relationships. These relationships result in feelings. These feelings influence mood.
We call these go-to ways of interacting with others an “interpersonal style.” Each style has short-term and long-term costs and benefits for us. Sometimes we’ll apply the same style to pretty much all of our relationships. Other times we pick and choose, depending on the situation. We might be quiet and deferent at work, but loud and angry with our kids. Or we always want to be right with our spouse, but don’t engage in direct conflict with our friends.
The first step to seeing if your interpersonal style is helping or hindering your mood is to identify which of the three types is your dominant style:
PASSIVE STYLE
I say yes when I don’t really want to.
I don’t want to disappoint others.
I’m worried about being rejected if I say what I really feel.
People take advantage of me.
Short-term gain: You don’t have to worry about disappointing people and being rejected.
Long-term pain: Your own needs don’t get met, which leads to resentment, sadness, frustration, anger, and possibly depression.
AGGRESSIVE STYLE
I like to be right.
I enjoy being in control.
I interrupt and talk over others.
I like to have the last word.
Short-term gain: You win the battle — with the accompanying adrenaline rush and feeling of power. You rarely feel ignored or vulnerable.
Long-term pain: You lose the war. People distance themselves from you, or they let you dominate them, which results in one-sided relationships. Isolation and conflict may lead to feelings of sadness, loneliness, and symptoms of depression.
ASSERTIVE STYLE
I care about others’ feelings, but not more than my own.
I don’t like conflict, but I know sometimes it’s necessary.
What others think of me matters, but not so much that I’d do something I don’t want to.
I will listen to the other person’s side as long as they will listen to mine.
I realize that I won’t always get my way.
I’ll risk disappointing people to ask for what I want or need.
Short-term pain: Not knowing how others will respond to your direct expression of needs, values, or expectations can feel scary.
Long-term gain: People respect you because you respect both them and yourself, and they want to maintain a relationship with you. You get your key needs met, but not in a way that alienates or hurts others.
THE BOY IN THE CORNER
Ron here. Sometimes an aggressive style comes in disguise, and in the case of a teenage boy I was counseling the disguise was black baggy pants, a black hoodie, and a baseball cap pulled right down over his eyes.
The boy never said a word in our early sessions together, just slouched in a chair in the corner of my office. Eventually I figured out the benefits of his passive-aggressive interpersonal style. In the short term, he avoided conflict and could completely control the situation. But long-term, this style was responsible for his social isolation and the anger of his parents and teachers. It also meant he had to come to therapy every week and sit — in silence — with me.
I asked him how it would feel if he didn’t have to see me anymore.
He looked up from under his baseball cap and smiled.
“Okay,” I said. “Let’s work on that.” I told him I could meet his expectation of no longer seeing me if he agreed to use a different interpersonal style — one that used words.
Our first conversation started slowly and awkwardly. Eventually I asked him what it was like to communicate without words. How did it make him feel? How did it benefit him? How did it affect other people? How did they feel? What effect did their feelings have on him?
By the end of our time together, he was able to recognize the benefits and costs of communicating more assertively. In the short term, he was risking rejection and loss of control, but in the long term connecting with others and expressing his needs made him feel better. And the icing on the interpersonal cake? He didn’t have to see me anymore.
How’s That Working for You?
Our feelings may come to us automatically, but our behavior is a choice.
It’s possible to consciously change your interpersonal style to suit certain situations or relationships. It’s even possible to change your interpersonal style altogether. But it’s darn hard. It takes a lot of courage, commitment, and practice, and it’s not something anyone can do in one week.
Modifying your interpersonal style is an experiment, not a personality overhaul. It’s like trying on a new outfit that’s not your usual look. You’re going to feel uncomfortable at first. Your instinct may be to take it off as fast as possible and throw it on the “What was I thinking?” pile. You can do that — but the outfit you’ve always worn probably doesn’t make you feel so great either. So what do you have to lose? Wear the new outfit once, in front of a person you trust. What happens? How does the person react? How does that make you feel? If it doesn’t make you feel better, you can always go back to your old wardrobe.
Remember Drea, the fashion model who lashed out when people didn’t play by the rules? After working with Ron for a few weeks, she recognized that her aggressive interpersonal style was impacting her career, so she bravely decided to try a different style on for size.
TRY THIS: Trying on a new interpersonal style is like experimenting with a new look. Show it to one person, and see how you feel.
She got the opportunity at a shoot where she was supposed to jump into a pool. She hit the water, and it was absolutely freezing — the latest example of a client tricking her in order to capture a spontaneous reaction on camera. Drea had a split second before she surfaced to make a choice. Should she use her old style (burn them with anger) or try a new style (play it cool)? She opted to coolly let the people on the shoot know that the freezing pool wasn’t something she had agreed to and that she was very unhappy.
At her next appointment, Ron asked Drea how it felt to use the new interpersonal style.
“It felt weird,” she admitted. “I didn’t get the immediate rush I usually get. I had to wait until the shoot was over to get my feelings out, and even then I had to stay calm.”
Ron asked how she felt later.
“I felt pretty good,” she said. “Usually people get really defensive with me, which makes me even madder. But this time, they apologized and explained why they did it. Their excuses didn’t make things okay, but I was able to tell them that without yelling. And get this — they’ve already called me for another gig.”
Turns out they’d expected her to throw a hissy fit over the cool pool. When she didn’t, she earned a new level of respect — from others and from herself.
If you’re ready to try a different interpersonal style, you’ll need to put your interactions under the microscope. Choose a situation and break it down, moment by moment, feeling by feeling. Then imagine a different outcome. How could you handle a similar situation differently next time, so you — and the other person or people involved — feel better? A handy way to do this is to work through ten questions that we lovingly call “Ten Questions for Emotional Enlightenment.”
TRY THIS: Whether you’re thinking about how you usually handle a situation or trying something new, the most important question is, “How do I feel?”
As an example, let’s use the opening scenario from this week’s chapter: the eight pairs of kids’ shoes in the hallway. You walk in the door and see the shoes. Maybe you even trip over one. The first step is to ask yourself: How am I feeling? Are you angry? Disappointed? Ashamed? Frustrated? Hurt? Don’t say, “Okay” or “Fine.” If you’re stuck, pick one of the six F-words. If there are several feelings mixed together, focus on the feeling that’s most intense.
The next step is to ask: What’s making me feel this way? Is it the fact that you’ve told the kids a million times before that their shoes go in the closet? Are most of the shoes your eldest son’s, and he should know better? Did you just talk to them about this yesterday? Is it just one more example of how they ignore what matters to you?
Next, ask: How do I usually handle this? Do you squash the feeling down and remove the evidence — in this case, by cleaning up the shoes yourself? Do you try to address it with the kids right then and there? Eat a big bowl of last night’s dessert? Go somewhere private and close the world out? Or do you take some deep breaths, calm down, and make a plan to deal with the issue when the time is right?
Step four is to ask: What happens when I handle things that way? Let’s say you usually call the kids down and yell at them. Does it start a screaming match? Do you say things you later regret? Do you end up doling out punishments that you have a hard time enforcing later? How do the kids react? Do they withdraw? Say things that hurt your feelings? Fight with each other the rest of the night? How’s that working for you? Does it change anything — and is it for the better or the worse?
Next, we go back to feelings. Ask: How does that make me feel? Let’s say you handle a situation like the shoes by withdrawing. Do you feel better after your self-imposed time-out? Or do you spend your time alone thinking about all the ways your kids fail you or you fail them, which makes you feel sad, inadequate, incompetent, and sorry for yourself?
