Читать книгу Feeling Better - Cindy Goodman Stulberg - Страница 9
ОглавлениеThis week we play detective, investigating the kind of relationships you have and identifying what you wish were different about them. These relationships (and how you handle them) hold the key to your mood. This week’s work will help open the door to a new world of possibilities with the people in your life.
It was almost Passover. The day before the big dinner, I was driving my grandson home from school.
“Who’s coming tomorrow, Bubbe?” he asked.
I resisted the urge to rattle off all the family members who’d be sitting around the seder table and instead looked at him in the rearview mirror and waited for part two of the question.
“Wasn’t there someone who used to bring us toys and candy?”
I smiled. Yes, there was someone — my sister.
“Is she coming this year?” my grandson asked.
“No,” I replied.
“Is she ever going to come again?” he continued.
“I don’t know,” I said.
There had been a number of conflicts over the years between my sister and me and between my sister and my immediate family, and each one had taken its toll. To make my grandson happy, all we had to do was hit the candy store before tomorrow, but it was more complicated for me. I hold out hope that the fences will be mended someday, and I bring my box of tools to help out whenever I can. But my sister wasn’t on the guest list. Not this year anyway.
My situation probably isn’t so different from yours. Every family has its rifts, reunions, and reminders of the way things were, brought into sharp focus by chance encounters, special dates on the calendar, and in my case a little boy with a sweet tooth.
PEP TALK: This week is all about exploring the important people in your life — however you define “important.”
The model that Ron and I practice is called “interpersonal” psychotherapy for a reason. All of us are part of a web of relationships. The size of the web differs from person to person — my web is way bigger than Ron’s, for example — but it’s a web nonetheless. Some relationships are held close with a short, strong thread. Others are distant, the spider silk stretched so thin you can hardly see it. Sometimes, the thread’s been broken.
We’re social beings, and our web of relationships is important to our happiness. Supportive relationships help us survive life’s storms and celebrate its successes. Stressful and dissatisfying relationships — ones that leave us feeling angry, hurt, or disappointed — contribute to our feelings of sadness and depression. There’s an expression that really brings that point home: “A mother can only be as happy as her least happy child.” Our relationships with others affect our mood. Our kids, our partners, our coworkers, our parents, our siblings, heck, even our neighbors — they can all help us feel better. Or worse.
PEP TALK: The “whos” in our lives are closely tied to how we feel.
Let’s take a closer look at the “whos” in your life — how often you see them, what you do together, and what you like and don’t like about the relationships. We’ll start by drawing your social circle, and then we’ll complete an exercise we call Four Questions.
ACQUAINTANCE OR FRIEND?
People sometimes struggle with telling the difference between an acquaintance and a friend. Does it matter? Yes. And not because of a judgy belief that only friends are important. We need both in our lives. We can practice new coping strategies and communication styles with acquaintances. And they can be a low-risk sounding board and source of advice.
You can tell the difference between acquaintances and friends by thinking about what you talk about and the way you communicate with each other. Have you ever talked with them about personal things? Asked them for advice? Had them come to you for help? If the answers are no, they’re probably an acquaintance. Friendship requires vulnerability and intimacy — you know stuff about each other that an acquaintance just doesn’t. Open up to the right acquaintance, and you just might make a new friend.
Step 1: Time to Draw
Now let’s draw your social circle. Grab a pencil and a sheet of paper. Plain 8½ × 11-inch paper is fine. Markers, colored pencils, and glitter are optional. You don’t need to get fancy, but you’ll be referring to your circle for reminders of your relationships as you work through the next ten weeks. You might even change your circle over time, as relationships grow, wane, or are resuscitated.
Draw a small circle about an inch wide in the middle of your paper and write your name (or simply “me”) in it. Then draw another circle around that one, about an inch from it, and a third one around the second. (You can add more circles if you need to as you go along.) You’re drawing your social universe, and everything revolves around you.
Next, think of the names of the people who are important to you and jot them down in the circles around “you.” Those closest to you go in the first circle; more distant relationships go in the outer circles, depending on how close you consider the relationship to be. Your friend, your mom’s friend, your husband, your wife, your kids, your hairdresser, your bartender, your work colleague, your therapist, your doctor — they all may have a place on your social circle. Who did you see the most last week? Who drove you crazy? Put ’em both on the circle. (Or maybe they’re the same person!) You can include names from the past as well as the present.
Just because a relationship is close doesn’t mean it’s positive. Some of our closest relationships are our most stressful ones, and these are exactly the relationships we want to explore this week. Another tip? Just because she’s your sister or your mom doesn’t mean she has to be in your inner circle. Moms and daughters and sisters (and dads and sons and brothers) are sometimes on the periphery of our lives or not in our lives at all, and no one (including you) should make you feel guilty about that. It might be just the way you like it. If it’s not, we’ll figure out if it’s something you’d like to change.
Some people will immediately jump to mind, and you’ll know exactly where to put them on your drawing. If you get stuck, take a look at your texts, your email inbox, and your Facebook account for reminders. You can also answer these questions:
Who did you spend time with on the weekend?
Who do you work with?
Who aggravated you the most last week?
Which professionals do you see on a regular basis?
If someone who was close to you died, put them on your social circle as well — and don’t worry about getting it “right” if you aren’t sure where to put them. It can sometimes help to place them where you would if they were still alive. Similarly, if you were close to someone in the past but aren’t now, you can decide whether you want to put that person in an inner or outer ring. This is your circle, and you get to decide where things go — there’s no right or wrong here.
Focus on documenting who is in your life, not on whether you can (or should) make changes to those relationships. Remember, one step at a time!
ARE FACEBOOK FRIENDS REAL FRIENDS?
There is a paradox of the internet: so many friends, and at the same time no friends at all. Face-to-face friendships are rich, multidimensional experiences that are enhanced by being together in the same place, seeing body language, sharing good and bad experiences, and more. An online encounter doesn’t offer the same depth. It’s just too easy to control our virtual personas and turn off the computer when we’ve had enough. The investment and accountability just aren’t there if we’ve never breathed the same air in the same room.
By all means, build your online circle of friends, connections, and followers, especially if face-to-face interactions are stressful or challenging for you. It is possible to experience genuine care and intimacy with people online, and they can be a great resource when you want to try out new communication styles or coping strategies. But there is a difference.
Our verdict? Online friends are real. But they aren’t a replacement for face-to-face friends. If you feel your circle has too few friends of the face-to-face variety, we can work on that together.
Step 2: Let’s Play Four Questions
Putting everyone on the social circle is step 1. The next step is to choose a few of the most important relationships and explore them in more detail. Officially, this step is called “exploring the interpersonal inventory.” But it’s more fun to think of it as playing Four Questions.
Remember, these relationships don’t need to be the ones that make you feel good. In fact, it’s the stressful, hurtful, and disappointing relationships that are often the most important to explore, because they’re the ones that are most likely connected to your depression.
Here are the four questions you’ll ask yourself about each of the most important relationships in your life right now:
1. How would I describe the relationship? Review your relationship a little. Think of what you do together, how you communicate (face-to-face, by text, email, or phone), how often you see each other, and what you usually talk about (and don’t talk about). How have things changed over time? How do you feel when you think about seeing that person? After you’ve seen them? Who initiates contact? How do encounters start? End?
2. What do I like about the relationship? Think about what works and what you’d miss if you didn’t have that person in your life anymore. This can be hard to answer if your relationship is full of conflict or you’ve been really hurt or disappointed by the person. Try to remember what made you connect in the first place. Try imagining what others might say they like about the person, even if you can’t feel those things yourself.
3. What don’t I like about the relationship? Think about when it makes you feel sad, hurt, angry, or disappointed. If you can’t come up with anything you don’t like, pay attention. Nobody’s perfect, so why the imbalanced view? You won’t work on it now, but it’s something you may want to revisit later.
4. What would I like to be different about the relationship? Think about what you’d change to make the relationship better for you and what you wish bothered you less, even if you can’t imagine anything will change.
Ana’s Circle: Things Just Aren’t the Same
Ana has drawn her circle and is ready to add some names. First there’s Peter, Ana’s husband. Five months ago, she would’ve put him so close to her on the circle that they would’ve been sharing the middle. Today, things are a little different. If anyone should be in the middle with Ana, it’s Ruby.
Should Ana put Ruby on the circle at all? Ruby is only a baby, but to be honest, Ana’s connection to Ruby is just about the most intense one she’s ever had. She adds Ruby to the first circle along with Peter.
Ana’s mom lives in Texas, but they FaceTime frequently, so she writes “Mamá” near the center. Her dad is a little farther out. They’ve never been really close, and after his Alzheimer’s diagnosis she’s finding it harder to connect with him. Her mother-in-law, who has perfected the art of the poorly timed surprise visit, is closer to the center than Ana would like. Ana’s older sister lives in the same city, but they aren’t really as close as they had been — an emotional distance that seems to have become greater since Ruby’s birth.
After that, Ana finds it a little hard to fill in the rest of her circle; so much has changed since the baby was born. She never sees her work friends now that she’s on maternity leave, and her nonwork friends, who were so attentive during the first few weeks after baby Ruby arrived, have all but disappeared. She’s stopped going to the gym (and yes, that makes her feel crappy), so she doesn’t see her gym buddies either. Her circle has shrunk. A lot.
PEP TALK: The people in your circle aren’t good or bad — your expectations of each other may just be different, and that’s what’s causing a rocky relationship.
She puts her closest work friends, Sue and Hirali, and her closest girlfriends, Amanda and Steph, on the circle — but a lot farther from the center than she would’ve, say, five months ago.
Ana decides to play Four Questions with her relationship with Peter, her mom, her sister, and Peter’s mom. She wonders if she should play Four Questions with Ruby too, but decides against it. It’s the changes in Ana’s life that are causing Ana stress, not Ruby.
Here’s how it turns out when she examines her relationship with Peter:
1. How would I describe the relationship? Peter and I met at college when we both joined a recreational baseball league. We love playing and watching sports together, inviting friends over for a beer or a barbecue, and listening to live music, but since Ruby’s birth we’re cocooning a lot more — planning a night out or inviting people over seems too overwhelming. All we can manage after Ruby falls asleep is to collapse on the couch and watch TV.
2. What do I like about the relationship? I love Peter’s optimistic personality. He always sees the bright side of things and is a very reliable, trustworthy guy.
3. What don’t I like about the relationship? Peter isn’t a big talker, and it really bugs me when I say, “Let’s talk,” and he gets this glazed look in his eyes. Also, he’s pretty traditional when it comes to who does what at home. Sometimes I need his help, and he just doesn’t seem to think it’s his job. He’s been coming home late from work a lot recently, which is really hard for me.
4. What would I like to be different about the relationship? I really want Peter to understand me better. When I’m feeling stressed about his mother or having trouble with my sister or worrying that I’m not a good mom, I want him to listen and “get it” rather than dismiss my concerns. I’ve been feeling pretty tired and lonely lately, and the feeling that Peter just isn’t there for me has gotten stronger. It would be great if he saw himself more as a partner in our home life, including taking care of Ruby.
Ana writes her responses to the four questions on sheets of paper, then staples them to her social circle, and puts them in her desk drawer for future reference.
CAN YOU PLAY FOUR QUESTIONS WITH YOUR KIDS?
Ana decides not to play Four Questions with her baby, Ruby, because it’s not the relationship with her baby that’s causing trouble; it’s the new role Ana is now playing as first-time mother.
But how about older children? If your relationship with your five-year-old is causing you grief because he’s become withdrawn and combative or your eleven-year-old comes home from school every day with enough attitude to sink a ship, okay, yes, you can ask yourself the four questions about them. Identifying what you don’t like and what you’d like to be different about the relationship will help you figure out how to move forward. But remember, the responsibility for making the relationship better will lie squarely with you as the mom or dad, and you’ll need to go to others in your circle for help.
Of course, once your kids are teenagers and adults, the parent-child relationship changes, and your son or daughter can play a more active role in improving the relationship between you.
Kate’s Circle: Handcuffed to Hubby
Kate’s inner circles include her husband, Don, a recently retired police officer, and their two grown children, Dominic and Heather, who has a new baby. Kate’s parents passed away a few years ago, and she hasn’t spoken with her younger sister in almost a year — she just can’t take her sister’s endless bragging about her perfect life. Kate also adds the principal at her school, Brad, to the outer ring of her circle — he may be her boss but they’ve worked closely together for years.
When it comes time to add her three closest girlfriends (Leslie, Diane, and Mona) and her yoga classmates (Suzanne, Alex, and Andrea), Kate feels sad. Since Don’s retirement, she’s found it harder to make time to see her friends and has stopped going to yoga altogether, since Don says it’s a waste of money and they need to be careful with their finances now. She wants to put them closer to her on the circle, but that’s just not the way things are right now.
TRY THIS: If there’s a relationship that you know is making you feel bad, that’s one you should definitely play Four Questions with!
Kate writes Don’s name right below hers in the middle of the circle. She can’t make a move without his being there. It’s almost like he’s suffocating her.
Kate knows that her depression is linked to the simmering conflict and outright arguments between her and Don. This isn’t the life she imagined when Don retired, and it’s definitely affecting her mood.
Here’s how she plays Four Questions with her relationship with Don:
1. How would I describe the relationship? We’ve been married for twenty-seven years, moving around the country in the earlier years as Don built his career. Most of it’s been great. We did all the typical couple things: bought houses, raised kids, went on holidays, and enjoyed hobbies. Each of us had our own career, and for most of the marriage we each had a lot of independence. Since Don retired, though, he’s become more and more involved in my day-to-day life. I never really questioned marrying an older man until now. It’s only been since Don retired that I’ve felt we’re out of step with each other.
2. What do I like about the relationship? Don is a good father and faithful partner. When he was working, he had an interesting life outside of the one we shared together.
3. What don’t I like about the relationship? I feel handcuffed to Don — everywhere I am, he’s there too, asking what we’re doing together that day, texting me endlessly at work, interrogating me about how I’m spending my time, offering his two cents on what I should buy, and complaining about things that before his retirement he never even knew I did. Yes, I married a police officer, but I certainly never expected to feel under investigation myself.
4. What would I like to be different about the relationship? I want things to go back to the way they were B.R. — before retirement. I want my independence back. I want the judgment and micromanaging to stop.
John’s Circle: “People Just Piss Me Off”
John finds it pretty easy to draw his circle. Near his name he puts his older brother, Tom, and his mom and dad. Tom is definitely the sibling John gets along with best. Tom’s wife, Greta, and their son, Riley, are also close to the center. Lisa, Karen, and Kim — John’s three sisters — say and do such stupid and unfair things that John is forever arguing with them or giving them the cold shoulder. So Tom is close to the middle, and the rest of his siblings? To hell with ’em.
John’s dad mostly ignores him. His mom can’t seem to do anything but nag and criticize. He realizes they’re old and have helped him out by letting him live with them, but they could include him on occasion when they go out for dinner or let him know that his siblings are coming over, so he doesn’t make other plans.
John has one buddy, Mark, whom he used to work with, but they haven’t spoken in a while. His ex-girlfriend, Isabelle, has been married for years now. John would love to have a girlfriend but lacks confidence around women. It’s been so long since he dated, he wouldn’t even know where to start.
John works at a local Chinese restaurant doing deliveries, so he puts his manager, Devon, and coworkers Ben and Alex on the circle too. Alex makes John’s life really difficult. The rule at work is that drivers take turns claiming deliveries, so that they each have an equal opportunity for tips. But Alex will often call out that it’s his order when John is up next. And that’s just one example of Alex’s bad behavior. John could go on and on.
John has confronted his manager about Alex many times, but Devon is just about as much trouble as Alex. John is grateful he was hired, and Devon was nice at the start, but now he dismisses John’s complaints and routinely tells him to “give it up” and “just do the job.” It goes against everything John believes in. Rules are meant to be enforced, and all employees should be treated fairly.
TRY THIS: When no one can do right by you, sometimes the best thing you can do is to let them be wrong and work on having it bother you less. Keep reading to find out how!
John’s biggest problem is definitely with Alex, so he decides to play Four Questions with that relationship first. Next in line will be Tom, his mom, his dad, and his manager.
1. How would I describe the relationship? I usually see Alex three or four days a week when we work the same shifts. And that’s about all we have in common. Alex is in his twenties, and I’m forty. Alex talks about cars and sports and porn — and I’m not interested in any of those things. Alex lives with his girlfriend, and I live with my parents. See? Nothing in common.
2. What do I like about the relationship? I don’t like anything about Alex on his own. If I’m forced to answer this, I guess there are times when Alex, Ben, and I joke around when the restaurant isn’t too busy, and it’s fun. But not because of Alex.
3. What don’t I like about the relationship? How about everything. I hate that Alex is so disrespectful and treats me like I’m not even there. His arrogance and rudeness make me so mad. He’s a lot younger than me, but acts like he knows everything. He’s a show-off and a bully and never follows the rules. He’s turned bugging me into another one of his sports. Sometimes I get so mad I could punch him.
4. What would I like to be different about the relationship? I want Alex to do what he’s supposed to and not be such a smartass. I’d be happy if he just left me alone — we don’t have to be friends.
Becky’s Circle: When Someone You Love Has Died
At first, Becky feels energized by the social-circle project — she’s all but abandoned her art since Brian died, and this seems like a perfect opportunity for some creative expression. But now that it’s time to start, she can only stare at the pile of magazines, paint tubes, markers, string, and the blank white piece of bristol board in front of her. Why did she think she could do this? What if her work sucks? How is this going to make things better anyway?
She sweeps her supplies onto the floor, and the tears start flowing. After five minutes of hard crying, she’s exhausted.
So now what? No one says she has to do this — at least not today. She can just leave the crap on the floor and go for a nap.
But what if she gives it a go?
She takes a deep breath, grabs a piece of paper and a pencil, and quickly draws three barely round circles, one inside the other. Forget the paint and string. This is her circle, unplugged.
She puts Brian on the circle first, right above her in the center. Before he died, she ate, drank, slept, and breathed her brother and his illness. But the rest of the circle is hard. Names come easily. Writing them down hurts. She hasn’t spoken to her parents since she moved out at seventeen. And it’s been more than a year since she’s seen her three best friends, Amber, June, and Sheree. Wow. They used to be inseparable. What happened? The tears start coming again. Everything feels broken. Maybe she should take that nap. Or watch some Netflix and eat a big bag of salt and vinegar chips. That never makes her feel better for long, though. Stuff may be broken, but you don’t have to fix it today, she reminds herself.
Becky quickly writes Amber, June, and Sheree — her best friends since forever — on the circle, three rings from the center. Her parents she banishes to outer space — two small names written on the outer edge of the page.
There are no names of people she actually sees on Becky’s circle. That can’t be right, can it? Sure, she hasn’t gone out much since Brian got sick, but she isn’t a total hermit. She runs through the past week in her head: a trip to the market, one to the corner store for snacks, a bunch of time spent lurking on Facebook, an appointment with her doctor.
Her doctor. There’s someone. She writes Dr. Singh on the second circle from the center. She also remembers saying hi to Lauren, her hairstylist, a couple of times last week. Lauren’s salon is below Becky’s apartment, and they sometimes run into each other on their way in or out. She writes “Lauren” on the same circle as her doctor, puts down her pencil, and, taking her paper with her, goes to the kitchen for the bag of chips. On her way to the cupboard she sticks her social circle on the fridge as a reminder to play Four Questions tomorrow. She’s done enough for one day.
Next morning, coffee in one hand and smartphone in the other, Becky is ready to play Four Questions with her relationships with Brian, Amber, June, and Sheree. She decides to record her thoughts on her phone to keep it real. She explores her relationship with Brian first, putting questions 2, 3, and 4 in the past tense, so that it doesn’t seem so strange to answer them:
1. How would I describe the relationship? Brian was five years older than me, and I guess we had a typical big brother–little sister relationship. He didn’t get along with Mom and Dad either, so when he got cancer, it was up to me. That’s when we actually started to get close — to put aside all the dysfunctional crap we’d learned growing up. I asked him to move in with me when he really started to go downhill. That was a very intense period in our relationship. I really didn’t do much other than take care of him.
2. What did I like about the relationship? I’m really grateful for the year we lived together, that opportunity we had to get to know each other for who we really were. Brian was a fighter, and I admired him so much — his spirit, his courage, his willpower. He fought the disease every step of the way.
3. What didn’t I like about the relationship? Nothing. There’s nothing I didn’t like about Brian. Next question?
4. What would I have liked to have been different about the relationship? I wouldn’t change anything. Except maybe I wish we’d been closer earlier in our lives. And I wish I could’ve done more for him when he was sick.
Becky stops recording. She’s emotionally exhausted and a little pissed that two of the questions asked her to think badly of Brian. Isn’t it bad luck to speak ill of the dead? Plus, there just isn’t anything to complain about where Brian is concerned.
TRY THIS: When you try something new, pat yourself on the back. Completing this exercise is worth feeling good about!
Gaining New Awareness
When you draw your social circle and play Four Questions, you’ll learn some interesting things about your relationships — and maybe about yourself — that you can build on in the weeks ahead.
A new awareness may come as you draw your circle. Maybe the circle is almost empty. Or it’s full — but of acquaintances, not friends. If a few relationships are causing you stress or sadness, that’s probably not going to come as a shock. But how any one of those relationships is impacting your circle may be a surprise, as when Kate realizes that her husband’s controlling behavior is keeping her girlfriends on the periphery.
You might gain new awareness from exploring relationships in greater detail. One of Ron’s clients whom we’ll call Drea was a fashion model. She found it hard to have close relationships throughout her life — as she put it, people were always a disappointment. She was used to not being able to count on family and friends, but when she started to have problems getting modeling gigs because clients said she was too difficult to work with, she made an appointment with Ron. Maybe interpersonal relationships weren’t important to Drea, but paying her rent was.
When she drew her circle, the only two people on it were her boyfriend and her agent. Ron asked her who was missing. Her parents — they never supported her choices. Her sister — she was a know-it-all and was never there when Drea needed her. Her clients — like that jerk who gave her a broken umbrella at the shoot the other week, just so the photographer could get her reaction when the “rain” poured right onto her head. No one played by the rules.
By drawing her circle and playing Four Questions, Drea learned how much always being right was hurting her. No one solves their problems after one week of work, but Drea’s new awareness of the connection between her behavior and her relationships set the stage for her to focus her efforts on something that would make a big difference.
Garrett, a firefighter, was feeling depressed after the high-profile deaths of two of his men. When Garrett drew his circle, there was nothing remarkable about it. It wasn’t in flux, he had supportive relationships, and there wasn’t much in the way of conflict. When he and Ron played Four Questions with the people on his circle, though, he had the same things to say about everybody, from his wife to his colleagues to the widows of the two men, whom he saw on a regular basis. “All we do is talk about the guys who died,” Garrett said. “Maybe it seems like the right thing for us to do, but I can’t move on.”
TRY THIS: Be open to the “aha” moments that happen as you complete your circle. What is your circle telling you about your relationships?
Garrett was becoming a professional mourner — and it was having a negative impact on his mood and functioning. Playing Four Questions helped Garrett realize that he was going to have to figure out a way to rewrite his role and manage people’s expectations of him if he was going to feel better.
Now It’s Your Turn
We only included one four-question example each for Ana, Becky, John, and Kate, but you’ll be completing the Four Questions exercise with four or five of the people who are part of your circle. Depending on how “into” the exercise you get and how much your depression is affecting your emotions and energy level, you may get tired. Take breaks. Do it over a few days. Better to give yourself the time and space to play Four Questions with all of your most important relationships than to get exhausted after one and stop there.
If it feels strange to ask yourself the four questions, try recording your answers, either on paper or on your phone. Or have a friend ask you the questions. Maybe they’d be willing to take notes for you too. The more you put into these exercises, the more you’ll get out of them!
If you’re having trouble identifying the first (or second, third, or fourth) relationship to examine, here are some questions that can help:
Who did you add to your social circle first? Second? The relationships that jump to mind immediately are often the important ones.
What relationship is the most challenging? What relationship do you wish was different? The tough relationships — the ones that cause you pain and are full of conflict — are good ones to look at more closely.
What relationship helps you the most? It’s useful to look at a relationship that already makes you feel better.
Did you leave your mother, father, sibling, or old friend off your circle initially? The fact that you left them off your circle may indicate there is some painful history here, and it’s worth taking a closer look.
Has anyone close to you died? It may be hard to add a person who’s died to your circle, but that death may be related to your feelings of sadness or depression.
Some relationships are so painful that you don’t want to think about them. Of course, you don’t have to. But if you keep doing what you’ve always done, which is not thinking about the relationship that bothers you, you aren’t going to feel any differently than you do now. And if you do think about the relationship, you might feel better. Eventually you’ll figure out what you want to do: reconnect with the person or really let it go.
GUY TALK: LESSONS I LEARNED MOVING A COUCH
Hi, it’s Ron here, and I’ve got a few thoughts on guys and social circles.
As a general rule, us guys don’t invest much time in creating or maintaining our circles. We connect with others, but it’s not a conscious thing. It happens informally: on the ice, at a wedding, or watching the game. Even moving a couch.
One of the most profound moments I ever shared with my best friend was when he was helping me move out of my apartment after my girlfriend broke up with me. My friend was at one end of the couch, and I was at the other. Out of the blue and in less time than it takes to grab a beer, open it, and take a swig, he told me exactly why she broke up with me.
I had done everything for my girlfriend, including her university homework. My intentions were good, but to some people — including my girlfriend and my best friend — my behavior was controlling. At the time I didn’t recognize it. I needed someone more objective to see it and speak up.
That couch confession was a watershed moment — the right person at the right time with the right message — and I carried it into my next relationship (which ended up being with my wife). But my friend didn’t phone me up and arrange to meet over coffee to have a heart-to-heart. We were just two guys moving a couch.
Most men can identify our key relationships with no problem. But describing the positives and negatives about the relationships and stating what we’d like to be different? We may be able to do that with our intimate partners, but no one else.
There are probably some people in your circle whom you could rely on in times of need. And some people who piss you off. And some who are hard to read, and some who are awkward. My neighbor is an example. He’s a great guy but he reminds me of Spock — he has a hard time reading social cues.
All of those people should be on your circle — the good, the bad, and the awkward. By playing Four Questions with them, you’ll be able to identify what you like and what bugs you about the relationships. It’s information you can use later to help yourself feel better.
This Week’s To-Do List
Draw your social circle. Include both helpful and stressful relationships. Don’t forget people who used to be very important to you, but whom you don’t see anymore. There’s no right or wrong here — just a drawing with some names on it.
Play Four Questions. Choose four or five of the most important (and most stressful) relationships on your circle and answer the four questions. Remember, this is just about describing your relationships, not making changes to them. Write down your answers, record them on your phone, or ask a friend to help you.
Put your circle in a safe place. You’ll want to be able to come back to your circle in later weeks, so don’t toss it yet! If you live with others, choose a place that’s private, but that you can easily access. If you live alone, you can hang it up.
