Читать книгу Feeling Better - Cindy Goodman Stulberg - Страница 8
ОглавлениеWhat If You Had a Broken Leg Instead?
Our first step is to discover what depression is — and what it isn’t. (You might be surprised!) You’ll learn why you may need to take a temporary break from some of your activities and how to talk to the important people in your life about what you’re going through.
A woman’s life had been turned upside down by a car accident. She was coping with a lot of pain, had given up her successful business, and was struggling with depression.
“Who have you talked to about what you’re going through?” Ron asked her.
“No one,” she answered. “I don’t want to burden my friends. If they saw me like this, they’d be shocked. And I’d be embarrassed. I’ll just wait until I feel better, and then I’ll talk to them.”
“What if you broke your leg instead?” Ron asked. “Would you still go out for coffee with them?”
“Sure,” she said.
“How would it make you feel if you went out for coffee with them even though you had a broken leg?”
“It would feel awkward and like a hassle and a little painful, but I’d probably feel better for having seen my friends,” she said.
“And how would you feel if you didn’t go out?” Ron asked.
“If I stopped socializing, I’d feel isolated and lonely,” she said. “It’d be depressing.”
Bingo. If we don’t see our friends and family, we feel worse. If we do see them, we feel better.
But Ron wasn’t done. “And what if you did go out? How do you think your friends would feel if they saw you with a broken leg?” he asked.
“They’d probably be happy to see me,” she answered. “It wouldn’t bother them that I had a broken leg.”
“So how is that different from going to see your friends when you’re feeling depressed?” Ron asked. “They’ll be happy to see you, and you’ll feel better — so everybody wins. But if you don’t go out to see your friends, you’ll feel socially isolated and they’ll miss you. Everybody loses.”
TRY THIS: Use questions to explore how you’re feeling. Ask them of yourself, or get a friend to help you!
That’s why we need to look at our mood difficulties as if we had a broken leg — so everybody wins.
It’s hard to do. When we have a broken leg, people line up to sign our cast, but when we’re depressed, there’s no cast to sign — so we sign out of our social lives, ashamed and embarrassed by our invisible illness. It’s way better to take a risk, reach out, and break the silence. And we’ll show you how.
Diagnosis: Depression
You don’t have to be diagnosed with depression to benefit from the strategies we’ll teach you. If you feel bad or down or stressed, we can help you feel better.
Understanding what depression is — and what it isn’t — is important, though. Depression is a highly treatable medical illness that negatively impacts how we feel, think, and act. It comes in all different shapes and sizes. Sometimes it’s short-lived (though according to most authorities on mental health, it always lasts more than two weeks). Sometimes it’s mild. Other times it’s severe.
Sadness is part of being depressed. So is losing interest in things that used to get you jazzed. But there’s also a whole list of symptoms that people don’t usually associate with depression: trouble concentrating, indecision, loss of appetite, irritability, difficulty sleeping, and even body aches and pains with no apparent physical cause.
PEP TALK: Depression is a highly treatable medical illness. Yes, highly treatable.
One in six people will experience depression at some point, and the numbers are even higher for women. In fact, some studies show that one-third of women will experience a major depressive episode during their lifetime. So even if you feel alone, you definitely aren’t. Half of those who have one episode of depression will have another if they don’t get treatment. Eighty percent of those who’ve had two episodes without treatment will have a third.
Those last two stats aren’t meant to make you feel worse. Quite the opposite. Studies have shown that the techniques we’ll teach you, which are based on the treatment model called interpersonal psychotherapy (IPT), can help you avoid experiencing this soul-crushing illness again.
Depression goes by many labels: disruptive mood dysregulation disorder, major depressive disorder, dysthymia, premenstrual dysphoric disorder, persistent depressive disorder, clinical depression, postpartum depression, perinatal depression, seasonal affective disorder, and even unspecified depressive disorder.
PEP TALK: If you find it hard to believe you’ll ever feel better, that’s probably the depression talking. It’s common to feel negative and pessimistic when you’re depressed — but stick with us.
Some labels you may have heard. Other labels you may have been given. It doesn’t matter whether your depression is chronic and mild, related to your hormones, tied to the low light of winter, or anything else. We can help you with them all.
Only a trained health professional can diagnose depression, but as far as trusted, validated self-administered assessments go, we like the World Health Organization’s Major Depression Inventory (MDI). It only has twelve questions, and you can access it online for free. Just remember, a questionnaire can’t diagnose depression. If a diagnosis is important to you or your score on the quiz has you concerned, see your doctor.
Depression Debunked
Depression is not a sign of weakness, proof that you’re a bad person, or a form of punishment. You don’t deserve to be depressed. And you didn’t bring it on yourself. No matter how many times your mom tells you to buck up, your buddy tells you to get off your butt, or that little voice inside you says, “Suck it up, buttercup,” it’s not a matter of simply trying harder and — poof — bye-bye depression.
You aren’t selfish, lazy, self-centered, a whiner, or to blame — which is hard for a lot of depressed people to believe, since feeling ashamed and worthless are key symptoms of depression. Depression isn’t a curse. And it isn’t a blessing either (even if a well-meaning person tells you it’ll make you stronger). But it is a very treatable illness.
Depression can affect anyone — even therapists. During the weeks after my first child was born I was a mess of emotions. Even now, decades later, it’s still hard to admit. I remember pacing the hallway in my apartment, wishing I wasn’t so tired, wishing my husband understood how I was feeling, wishing I knew what I was doing. I’m not sure who was crying harder, me or my daughter. I was a therapist. Wasn’t I supposed to have all the answers? My feelings of incompetence were overwhelming.
PEP TALK: Depression is not something you deserve. Don’t let anyone — most of all you — tell you it’s your fault!
When my mother-in-law was in palliative care, I experienced mood difficulties again. It was probably while eating my twentieth bag of cookies that I realized it wasn’t just my mother-in-law I was grieving — it was my mom.
You’d think I’d have figured it out sooner. My mother-in-law was in the same hospital that my mom had been in twenty years earlier, and every time I visited I had to walk past the room where my mom had been so ill. Back then, I was too busy being the strong one, the capable one, and the one everyone admired to really grieve my mom’s passing.
Trust me, this is a journey. I’m still learning that experiencing feelings is okay. And I still sometimes turn to the bag of cookies.
PEP TALK: It takes guts to acknowledge you have a problem and work on making things better. You are one brave, smart, and courageous person!
Depression may not be the only thing on your plate. If you have anxiety, a concussion, a learning disability, an eating disorder, or any other physical condition or mental illness as well as depression, you may find it takes longer to feel better. You may also need some extra help from your family doctor, a therapist, or a support group. Think of it as having two broken legs instead of just one. You’ll need some extra time to heal, and a wheelchair, not just crutches. Be patient and you’ll make progress!
Depression definitely has a cultural component. Some languages don’t have a word for depression as we use the term in English; if that’s true of the language you learned to speak first, there’s a greater likelihood that you’ll express your depression physically, as pain, digestive problems, headaches, and more. There may be a strong taboo against talking about mental illness in your culture. It may be seen as bringing shame on your family, as evidence that you’ve sinned, proof you’ve been cursed, or simply that you’re British — stiff upper lip and all that. Be aware that these forces will influence your attitude toward depression and affect who you can feel safe talking to about it.
Depression can be so severe that you feel like harming yourself. First, you need to tell someone how you’re feeling. Then you need to see a doctor. You may worry that you’ll scare the person you tell. You may feel as though there’s nothing a doctor can do for you. But I’m telling you, help is available. Depression is very treatable. Don’t do something you can’t undo. Ask someone for help. Your safety is more important than anything else.
THIRTEEN SIGNS YOU MAY BE DEPRESSED
If you find you’ve been experiencing a number of the symptoms on this list for at least two weeks and they’ve been affecting your relationships and your day-to-day functioning, you could be depressed:
1. I feel sad a lot of the time.
2. I just don’t care about things anymore.
3. I’m overcome with feelings of guilt.
4. I feel worthless.
5. I can’t concentrate.
6. I’ve gained or lost weight (without dieting).
7. I’m having trouble sleeping, or I sleep all the time.
8. My performance at work or school is suffering.
9. Making decisions seems harder than it used to.
10. I’m experiencing physical symptoms that don’t have a physical cause.
11. I avoid seeing my friends.
12. I think about hurting myself.
13. I just can’t seem to see the positive side of anything.
Asking Why
It’s not common, but mood difficulties can have a physical cause, such as a vitamin deficiency, Addison’s disease, multiple sclerosis, pancreatic cancer, traumatic brain injury, or Lyme disease. Depression can even be a side effect of some medications. Ron is still embarrassed to admit that one of his clients, who had been working hard in therapy but wasn’t making any progress, ended up having hypothyroidism. As soon as her doctor started her on medication, all of the skills she’d been practicing with Ron worked like a charm. Visit your doctor to rule out any physical illness or condition that could be causing your depression.
Outside of a biological cause like a disease, deficiency, or medication side effect, no one knows exactly what causes depression. Is it a biochemical imbalance? Is it about serotonin levels? Genetics? Is it something we pick up from our parents growing up? Is it our personality? The reasons for depression are controversial and complex. This is one way depression differs from a broken leg — in most cases there’s no defining moment or single event we can point to as the cause of our emotional pain and malaise.
But that doesn’t stop us from asking why. Many people look at their lives — their family, their health, their partner, their job — and say, “I’ve got it so good. So why do I feel so bad?”
Ana, whom we met in the introduction, wonders why she isn’t over the moon when she has such a healthy, beautiful baby girl. So many couples struggle for years to conceive, with so much heartache and expense. So many babies are born with health challenges. “What’s wrong with me?” Ana wonders.
Kate, the second of the four individuals we’ll follow through this book, is shocked when her doctor suggests she might be depressed. “I know I’ve been feeling sad and low since my husband retired, but I’m so lucky that we can afford to live on one income,” she says. “It’s my friends who worry they’ll never be able to retire who should be depressed, not me.”
Becky, whose brother died of cancer, knows how fleeting life is. “I should be making every second count,” she thinks. “So why can’t I get out of bed?”
It’s also tempting to point a finger at the past. John, the fourth person we’ll regularly check in with on these pages, has spent his whole life feeling inadequate and incapable because of the way his parents and siblings treat him — so it makes sense to him that his depression is their fault.
Do you think your mood difficulties are linked to your childhood, your first romantic relationship, your choice to study one subject in college rather than another, the city you settled in, or your career path? Spending time in the past may help you to answer the question why, but it won’t give you the tools to feel better in the present.
The founders of interpersonal psychotherapy saw a pattern among the people they helped with mood difficulties. Their patients, they discovered, were all experiencing problems in at least one of four different areas in their lives at the time they became depressed: life transitions, complicated grief, social isolation, or interpersonal conflict. These four problem areas aren’t causes, but they are contributing factors to why people feel sad, blue, down, and depressed. At least one of them can almost always be linked to a recent depressive episode.
TRY THIS: We won’t spend too much time dwelling on the past to find answers. Instead, we’ll look at what’s going on in your life right now.
Your problem area (or areas) — whether it’s conflict with another person, grief that won’t go away, a life change, or lack of supportive relationships — may be connected to what happened years ago, but we’ll be keeping the focus on what you’re experiencing in the present and what you can do in the here and now to feel better. In Week 4, we’ll describe each of the problem areas in detail and help you pick one to work on. (To be true to interpersonal psychotherapy, which is a short-term approach that helps people feel better in eight to twelve weeks, we talk about “weeks” throughout the book. Ultimately, the pacing is up to you. Read as quickly or slowly as you like!)
You Deserve a Break Today
You may need to take a temporary break from some of your day-to-day responsibilities and commitments to work on feeling better.
It’s another good reason to think of your depression as if it were a broken leg. When we have a broken leg, our priorities have to shift. Recovery becomes our most important job, so we go to medical appointments, do the exercises the physical therapist prescribes, and put our feet up (literally) when we’re tired. We won’t be taking the kids to the park, hitting the dance club, spring-cleaning the house, or hosting the big family dinner. It’s obvious that we can’t do what we’d normally do, so we don’t try. And we might even accept the help that others offer us.
Depression is a medical illness as legitimate as that broken leg. We need to give ourselves permission to take the time we need to figure out what interpersonal problem is contributing to our unhappiness and learn new skills to cope. Taking time off isn’t forever. It’s just until we’re back on our feet.
Depression is hidden — often even to ourselves — so we think we have to power through it. We beat ourselves up for having a short fuse, not being able to concentrate, feeling tired, lacking drive, missing deadlines, or being indecisive.
The temptation to suck it up and keep going will be very powerful if you feel you’re the only one keeping your family’s boat afloat. You might be working three jobs and still struggling to make ends meet; have an ill parent, a child with a disability, a partner who can’t manage without you, a demanding job, or an unsympathetic boss; or there may be strong cultural expectations for your role.
Sometimes to take care of others, you have to put yourself first. Go for coffee with a friend instead of volunteering at the food bank. Sit down with your spouse to discuss how to divide up the household chores to lighten your load a little. Take your social media accounts down for a while. Ask your sister to take the kids for a weekend. Talk to your boss about next week’s deadline. You might discover that some of the things you thought others needed you to do for them are actually your own expectations of yourself. Think of taking care of yourself as a job. Make a list of self-care tasks and schedule them on your calendar.
PEP TALK: The world isn’t on your shoulders alone. Sometimes when you step back, it makes room for others to step forward.
Work is often the last place we want to lighten our load. We worry that the boss may not be willing to modify workloads or change deadlines or that asking for time off or light duties may affect our next promotion — or worse, we’ll be demoted or fired. We may not have any sick days or disability insurance.
If these are your concerns, here are some ideas. Check with your human resources department in case there are resources available at your workplace that you don’t know about. If you can’t talk to your boss, maybe you can speak with a coworker or two. They may have some advice or ideas about how to manage, and they may offer to help.
In the end, if you have to keep your depression hidden at work, that’s okay. Just make sure your friends and family know that a lot of your energy is going toward keeping your job and that you may need some extra help at home.
Now, not everybody has to give something up in order to feel better. Becky, for example, has no one relying on her now that her brother has died, so she sleeps a lot during the day. She’s already stopped going to school, answering emails and texts, picking up the phone, and seeing her friends. She doesn’t eat much. Showering is always optional. Becky already has the space in her life to make positive changes — she just needs help taking that first step.
Tell Someone about It
If you’ve been keeping your depression to yourself, it’s time to share the burden with someone else. If we let others know about our temporary limitations, we’re more likely to receive support for our efforts and new ideas for how to cope. Opening up also gives others the opportunity to share their struggles with us — experiences we may never have known they had. Suddenly, we don’t feel so alone anymore.
It’s normal to feel shy, scared, embarrassed, and anxious about telling people. Many of us — me included — have our feelings of self-worth tied up with being seen as one of those people who have their act together. (It’s common among people in helping professions. We help others, but we don’t always have the skills to help ourselves.) If you’re used to being the capable one, it can feel uncomfortable to admit to others that you’re struggling. Plus, if you haven’t reached out for help before, you don’t know it’s possible for someone to offer you support and show they care.
The first step is to acknowledge that being strong isn’t always a strength. The next is to imagine a different future, one where there’s a little more give-and-take in your relationships. Many people will want to help you as much as you want to help them. Let them in.
PEP TALK: When you share your depression with someone you trust, you’re admitting that you’re human. It can make your relationships stronger!
Don’t feel you have to tell everyone about your depression. Start with one or two people who are affected by your illness or who you think will be understanding.
It’s usually helpful to share the symptoms of depression with the person you’re confiding in. That way you both have the same understanding of the many physical and emotional impacts of the illness and can speak a common language. Let the person know that you’re working hard to feel better. Explain that you need to take a break from some of the things you usually do to give yourself the time and energy to make positive changes. Reassure them that the situation is temporary. Listen to their concerns, and be open to their suggestions.
Some people will really understand. Some may offer to help. (Don’t refuse the casserole.) Some might not get it; you can sense they’re trying, but they’re struggling to empathize. If that person is close to you or you need their help with some of your responsibilities, try sharing this chapter of the book with them. Of course, you won’t want to assign reading homework to a person who isn’t a reader. Instead, show them the book and talk them through the important information, as in a highlight reel or postgame recap. They’ll get the point that your information comes from a credible source — the book — but they won’t have to read it themselves.
Unfortunately, some people might not be supportive at all. You can’t change that. But at least you’ll know who you can turn to the next time you need advice or assistance. Try not to blame those who don’t understand. They may show their support through actions, not words, by doing things like fixing the car or spending more time with the kids.
Many people who have depression stop socializing, and their isolation may be compounded by other circumstances, for example, a move to a new city, the arrival of a new baby, a spouse who travels a lot, or the lack of a strong support system. John, for example, never felt he had kind, caring friends or family. Admitting to himself that he was depressed has been hard enough, because it feels like one more way he’s failed. How is he supposed to share that with the very people who are responsible for his feelings of inadequacy?
PEP TALK: There’s always someone you can talk to — it could be you just haven’t found them yet.
If, like John, you feel there’s no one you can talk to about your depression, we encourage you to open up to one person anyway. John swallows his pride and tells his brother (the most supportive of his unsupportive siblings) about how he’s feeling. First, he explains the symptoms. Then he says that he’s working on getting better. His brother expected John to say the things he’s said so many times before: “I’d feel better if I had a girlfriend,” “The problem is my job,” “I just need more money,” “If I’d stayed in school, this wouldn’t be happening,” “It’s because I’m living with Mom and Dad.” When John’s brother doesn’t hear John singing the same old tune, he’s pleasantly surprised. He praises John for making an effort — a first in their relationship.
Often our words are received poorly not because of what we want to say, but because of how we say it. It takes a little self-reflection to recognize the patterns in the way we communicate with the people in our lives, but it’s worth taking a look. John’s go-to style has been to make excuses and blame others. You may find, like John, that making a change in the way you communicate helps you feel you have someone to talk to. It’s not something you can accomplish overnight, but now’s as good a time as any to start — and we’ll continue working on this together over the weeks ahead.
You may feel there’s no one you can talk to about your depression because, in your family and community, talk of mental illness is shameful and therefore off-limits. You may worry that if it gets out that you’re depressed, it could affect your future. Rest assured, there will be someone you can talk to. That person may be outside your immediate family or cultural community. They may be more of an acquaintance than a friend, or they may be a professional.
PEP TALK: Sometimes it’s not what we say that makes us feel unsupported. It’s how we say it.
Here are some things you could say to your spouse, family, friends, or boss to start the conversation about your depression and your need to temporarily take some commitments off your plate:
TO YOUR SPOUSE:
“I know I’ve been really negative lately, and it’s not about you. I think I’m struggling with depression, and I’m trying to learn more about it and get better. It may be hard to understand, and I know that you’re doing a lot as it is, but I want you to know I’m trying my best.”
“I know I’m the one who usually cleans up after dinner and takes the kids to their lessons, but I’m so tired after work. This depression thing just sucks my energy, and I want to be able to focus on feeling better. Can we figure out a way to make evenings work for both of us?”
“I don’t have the energy to keep the house clean, but I know a clean house would have a positive effect on my mood. Can we hire someone to do it for a couple of months?”
TO YOUR FRIEND:
“I’m sorry that I haven’t been up to going out on a regular basis like I normally do, and I want you to know it’s nothing you’ve said. My mood has been low lately, and I’ve been struggling with it. It’s not that I’m mad at you or don’t want to spend time with you. I’m hoping to be feeling better soon, and I’ll keep you in the loop as best as I can.”
TO YOUR FAMILY:
“I know you guys seem worried about me, and I really appreciate your concern. I’ve been feeling stressed at work and kind of down in the dumps lately. I don’t want to get into a lengthy conversation, but if you can take the kids this Sunday afternoon for a few hours that would be so helpful.”
“I know you guys are busy, but I really miss spending time with you. It’s a highlight of my week when we arrange a dinner together or you bring a meal over. If you could do that sometime soon, I would really appreciate it.”
TO YOUR TEENAGER:
“You might be surprised to hear me say this, but I really don’t like nagging you, and I know sometimes I can get a little crazy about minor things. I just want to tell you I love you, and I get that you’re just being a normal teenager. Sometimes I struggle with my mood, and I want you to know I’m really working on feeling more positive, and I’m going to try to be less picky and argumentative with you.”
TO YOUR BOSS:
“I’ve been to see my doctor, and she told me I have depression. I’m making some important changes in my life, so that I can get better as fast as possible. She said I should talk to you about taking some time off or cutting back one day a week until I feel better.”
Hello? Is Anybody Listening?
These conversations don’t always go as well as we hope. Ana, for instance, decides to write her husband, Peter, a letter one morning while the baby is napping. It seems smarter to write something while she’s feeling fresh than to wait until Peter gets home from work, when she’ll be too tired and cranky for a constructive conversation. Plus, writing things down helps her collect her thoughts. This way, she won’t forget anything.
She starts the letter by telling Peter she loves him and acknowledging that she’s been having a hard time since the baby was born. She tells him how she’s been feeling — sad, unworthy, guilty, incompetent, distracted, irritable — and tells him those are actually symptoms of depression. She writes that she knows he’s tired too, but that she hopes he can help her with some of her responsibilities for a little while so she can work on feeling better.
Peter reads the letter that night, and although he gives Ana a big hug and says he’s happy she told him how she feels, he doesn’t actually address her request for help. Ana decides not to make a big deal of it. Maybe he just didn’t know what to do or say next.
Over the next week, she notices that it’s business as usual as far as Peter is concerned. He still wants dinner on the table within minutes of his arrival home and buries his nose in the newspaper instead of holding his daughter. He doesn’t even load the dishwasher. Ana can feel her resentment rising. Didn’t she hold up her end of the bargain? Didn’t she share the symptoms of depression, talk about her efforts to get better, ask for help, and say it would only be temporary?
Yes, Ana did everything right. But when we’re talking about spouses (and other family members, for that matter), it may take more than one letter or conversation to cover all the issues and work out all the kinks. Relationships are works in progress, and intimate partnerships have well-established patterns. You’re asking to shake up the status quo, and it’s not likely to happen right away.
PEP TALK: It may take several conversations with someone — especially a spouse — to work out how they can help you best. Be patient, stay open-minded, and maybe show them this chapter!
Ana will need to continue the conversation with her husband. Not in a “You’re such a jerk; why didn’t you start helping out more like I asked you to” way (even if that’s what she’s feeling), but using a more constructive approach. “Peter,” she could say, “I appreciate that you care how I’m feeling. If I’m going to get better, we need to share the work when you get home.” No apologies. No aggression. Just a civil, respectful request for what she needs.
Be patient, be constructive, and keep trying. If you don’t seem to be making progress on your own, you can always suggest that your spouse come to a doctor’s appointment with you. Hearing about depression from a medical professional may help give your request for support some credibility. You can also talk to an understanding friend or family member. What are their ideas?
Taking Off the Training Wheels
It’s completely natural for us to feel anxious and even afraid when we’re asked to try something new. What if this doesn’t work? What if I don’t start to feel better? What if my family can’t manage without me doing everything I’ve always done? What if my boss doesn’t understand? What if my friends judge me? Asking “what if” is a common way for depressed people to express anxiety. (Stick with us. We’re going to help you turn your “what ifs” into “whos”: Who can I talk to? Who has gone through something similar?)
You’ve been functioning a certain way with your depression and, even if you feel bad, at least it’s a feeling you’re familiar with. Depression often runs in families, so the way you cope may be similar to the way you saw your mom or dad (or both) deal with their mood difficulties.
It’s like learning to ride a bike. When someone says, “Let’s take the training wheels off,” it feels unsafe. What if you fall? There’s fear and uncertainty. But think about the joy and freedom you’ll experience when you ride without those extra wheels slowing you down.
GUY TALK: HOUSTON, WE HAVE A PROBLEM
Ron here, with some quick words about guys and depression.
Men don’t usually recognize depression, even when it is staring us right in the face. Sure, that tired guy in the mirror has insomnia, can’t concentrate, and is always angry, but that’s normal, right? We just need to power through, suck it up, distract ourselves, or pour another beer.
Often it’s our partner who gives us the wake-up call that something’s not right. They want us to talk to someone — our doctor, a therapist, a friend. But chances are we resist. I’m as bad as the next guy about going to the doctor. When I went for a checkup last year, it’d been well over twenty years (and it was my wife who made it happen). Most guys don’t want to know if we’ve got high blood pressure or bad cholesterol or skin cancer or depression. If we don’t go, we don’t have to know.
Feeling crappy for more than two weeks isn’t normal. That short fuse and constant low-level irritation are probably sadness, hurt, disappointment, and other feelings that many guys aren’t comfortable expressing. Our instinct is to stick our head in the sand. It takes a brave man to recognize that, Houston, we have a problem.
Fortunately, depression is a problem we can solve. First, we have to admit that it’s not normal to feel like crap. Then we have to stop pretending to be superhuman. If you’ve been powering through, that means temporarily cutting back on some of your day-to-day activities.
Now this isn’t a free pass to watch the game every night instead of going for dinner with your mother-in-law or putting the kids to bed. You’ll need to let the people who are affected by your choices know why you’re cutting back.
It can feel awkward. For example, what do you say to your boss to save face, now that you’re going to stop working all that overtime? If you can’t answer that question yourself, I bet you know someone who’s been through something similar whom you could ask.
Your spouse may already have her hands full. How can you make sure she stays supportive? An open conversation in which you talk about what you’re doing to cope with your depression and you strategize together on the best ways to cut back can go a long way to keeping your partner on your side. Most women love it when we’re open and talk about ourselves. It doesn’t make us wimps.
Acknowledge there’s a problem, and take steps to fix it. Your family and friends will thank you — and you’ll start to feel better.
This Week’s To-Do List
Show the “Thirteen Signs You May Be Depressed” list to someone. Could be your spouse, your girlfriend, your cousin — break the silence about depression and help clear up some myths!
Pay attention to the way you usually communicate when you’re feeling bad or upset. This awareness is the first step to modifying your communication style.
Talk to someone about temporarily reducing the number of things you’re responsible for. A friend or family member can help you brainstorm things to let go of and may have ideas for approaching a difficult conversation with someone whose help you need. Remember to share the symptoms of depression, tell the person you’re working hard to feel better, and reassure them that your reduced responsibilities are only temporary.
