Читать книгу Shadows of the Cross - Craig Cashwell - Страница 12

Over 350 years ago, Pascal, a philosopher and mathematician, recognized how often we try to fill the emptiness within us with "things" (substances, food, relationships, sex, prestige) that simply will not last nor sustain us. If you are working through this book, you have been trying in vain, perhaps for a long time, to fill this void with sexual behavior.

Sex in itself is not bad. In fact, it is beautiful and a gift from our Creator. Healthy sexuality is not a problem. When sex is compulsive, however, it becomes a problem. Pascal referred to this emptiness within us—this void, this vacuum that yearns to be filled—as a "God-shaped hole" because he recognized that only God could fill this hole.

As a Christian, you probably experienced a great deal of shame over your compulsive sexual behaviors. This shame likely led you to be even more profoundly aware of your God-shaped hole. You may have felt even more empty inside. Often, this leads to changes in frequency, type, or risk of sexual behaviors, a phenomenon that addiction specialists refer to as tolerance. Over time, your soul became increasingly disconnected from God as the God-shaped hole grew. Meanwhile, your attempts to fill this void also escalated.

An important task of early recovery is recognizing the futility of trying to fill the God-shaped hole with compulsive sexual behavior. At this point, you likely are realizing that for some time, perhaps for many years, you have been unsuccessful in trying to manage your sexual behaviors. Your compulsive sexual behaviors are an attempt to put a "square peg in a round hole." No matter how hard you have tried to force the issue, these sexual behaviors simply cannot fill the vacuum inside of you. Only God can.

In some respects, the process of recovery is a combination of both emptying yourself of thoughts, behaviors, and feelings that compromise your recovery and filling this void with new thoughts, behaviors, and feelings that support your recovery. As you acknowledge the God-shaped hole within you, you begin to work collaboratively with God to empty that which does not feed your soul. By doing so, you consciously fill the void in ways that feed your soul and support your recovery.

Scripturally, this is captured in Paul's first letter to the church of Corinth when he wrote, When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me (I Corinthians 13:11). If you have ever parented or watched young children, you know that there is a period of development where children are selfish. The words "me," "no," and "mine" form the foundation of their vocabulary. They simply want what they want and can be quite adamant in their attempts to get it. In all likelihood, when you were active in your addiction, this described you. Most addicts become very self-centered and are unable to see how their behaviors are negatively impacting those around them. This leads to self-centered behaviors that are entitled ("me"), rigid ("no"), and controlling ("mine").

In recovery, you are putting away childish things.

Even as you are committing to change, you will find some residuals of your addictive sexual behavior. These may include

•memories of previous sexual experiences that may trigger you sexually

•flashes of pornographic images or themes of images that you have looked at frequently in the past

•an "out of nowhere" sexual fantasy

•sexualizing others in nonsexual situations (for example, looking at sexual "parts" of others without seeing the whole person)

•sexualizing conversations or using sexual humor

Many of these behaviors are normal reactions to the process of "detoxing" from your sexual addiction. While you want to mindfully stop these experiences as soon as you realize they are occurring, do not beat yourself up for them and thereby exacerbate your shame, as this can become fuel for further addictive sexual behavior.

Shame Solver

When you engage in addictive sexual behaviors, do the following:

1.Make instant amends to yourself and to God by stopping the behavior.

2.Say a brief prayer asking for forgiveness. When you pray for forgiveness, remember what Jesus said about forgiveness. When asked by Peter whether he should forgive someone up to seven times, Jesus responded that forgiveness should be offered not seven times, but seventy times seven (Matthew 18:22). We think that Jesus' point here was not that forgiveness should be offered 490 times (70 x 7) but rather should be given freely. If we ask God earnestly for forgiveness, it will be freely given.

The good news is that, over time, these residual thoughts, feelings, and behaviors will begin to decrease and living a life in recovery will become easier.

At the same time, the God-shaped hole remains. Nature abhors a vacuum. The work here becomes emptying and then consciously filling the vacuum with daily experiences and encounters of God. Our primary focus will be how, with God's help, we can do this. Journal your responses to the following: