Читать книгу Grumpy Old Men: A Manual for the British Malcontent - David Quantick - Страница 14

The new visual format, but just as annoying as the old ones. For a start, they’re more expensive. Then half the time you’re just buying a movie you bought in 1995 on video because of the ‘improved picture quality’, which isn’t improved because the DVD manufacturer copied it off the same 1995 video.

Ah, but what about the DVD extras? Yes. What about them? DVD extras, when attached to a bad movie, are like all the trimmings to an excellent roast dinner without any actual meat. There’s the Audio Commentary, which is three actors and the director meeting up two years later and trying to think of something interesting to say about this awful film they made.

CREDITS ROLL: WE SEE A BEAUTIFUL NEW HAMPSHIRE SUNRISE

DIRECTOR’S VOICE

Ah… hi… and… ah… welcome to the audio commentary to Autumn Of My Life. I’m the director, Hal Franklin, and I’m joined by the giggly actress who played the lead, Francine Mehitabel, and a stupid young guy who played her simpleton brother, Alistair Tug.

GIGGLY ACTRESS

Hi!

STUPID YOUNG GUY

Yeah. What she said.

THE SUNRISE IS REPLACED BY A SHOT OF A RIVER

DIRECTOR

Yeah, this is, ah, the opening, ah, shot of the movie. I remember we scouted for months to find the right river. We must have been to over 40 states, and finally! we found this river right on our doorstep.

GIGGLY ACTRESS

I fell in the river!

STUPID YOUNG GUY

Yeah! That was funny!

And so on until you either run screaming from the room or rip the plug out of the machine and throw it into the street. This is the only good DVD commentary:

CREDITS ROLL: A BEAUTIFUL NEW HAMPSHIRE SUNRISE

DIRECTOR’S VOICE

Hi, and welcome to the audio commentary to Autumn Of My Life. I’m the director, Hal Franklin, and I’m joined by the film’s stars, Francine Mehitabel and Alistair Tug.

FRANCINE AND ALISTAIR

Hi!

DIRECTOR

And we’re also joined by a ravenous man-eating tiger.

TIGER

Grrr! Bite! Kill! Etc.

Much better. And that’s just Disc One.