Читать книгу Grumpy Old Men: A Manual for the British Malcontent - David Quantick - Страница 15

There are five kinds of play:

1) SHAKESPEARE. Updated or traditional, Shakespeare is always done in a stupid, rhymey voice that just looks weird now. You know all the good bits already and the rest is a bit hard to understand. And no way are the comedy bits ever funny.

2) FARCE. Farce is either French, which means maids and Poirot moustaches, or English, which means vicars and double meanings. Either way, it relies completely on some tit leaving the room or hiding just as another tit comes in. No farce would ever work in a desert. ‘Hello, there’s Eric. You’ve got no trousers on, Eric.’ ‘Yes, sorry about that, I’ve been having sex with your wife.’

3) IBSEN, CHEKHOV, ETC. Oh Lord. We’re all going to die! Can we start with the people on stage first, please?

4) OSCAR WILDE. Again, you know all the jokes, the plots are unconvincing, the younger members of the cast don’t understand any of the play, and everyone just wants to hear the old theatre dame say, ‘A haaaandbag!’ in a silly voice.

5) FILMS TURNED INTO PLAYS WITH SOMEONE WHO USED TO BE IN AN AMERICAN SITCOM IN THEM. Like watching a film acted out on a stage very slowly with someone who used to be in an American sitcom shouting their heads off. Later, a middle-aged lady who was in a film once will take her top off.