Читать книгу Souls of My Young Sisters: - Dawn Marie Daniels - Страница 25

By Quintrecia Lane

From childhood to late adolescence, I would often experience emotional highs and lows that would put me in a dark and gloomy place. Although I did not have the words or the awareness to articulate or understand what was happening to me at that time, I now realize that I was having depressive episodes and that I was prone to slipping into these states without reason or explanation. These episodes of depression were overwhelming to both me and my family. They would heighten negative emotions and insecurities that I had within me and they shaped my perception of myself. I preferred not to be seen or heard. I was also embarrassed about who I was.

A lot of my fears and insecurities stemmed from me judging and comparing myself to others who I felt were better than me. I constantly thought I couldn’t possibly be as brilliant, beautiful, and talented as they were. I was so used to functioning in my dysfunctions that I didn’t know any other way of being. My dysfunctions became the closest things to me, so much so that the pain I felt and my sense of being were inseparable. I moved through life like a lifeless being, always looking for an escape. I found these escapes by removing myself from settings where I would have to interact or compete with others my age. This happened in school and other social settings.

Trying to cope with the many highs and lows of my depression was a task I never thought I could handle. I didn’t want to live in reality because I didn’t feel strong enough to deal with what I was truly feeling. Emotionally, I felt out of control and like a burden to those I loved. I hated feeling like the negative one and would often end up feeling guilty for not being what I considered “good enough.” I was ashamed of who I was becoming and I desperately wanted to feel normal. Sometimes I would wish to be someone else, someone I considered to be better than myself. I allowed depression to take over my life, and this led to stagnation, procrastination, and sickness in every aspect of my existence.

It wasn’t until I told myself “I am bigger than my depression!” that I finally saw who I was. I remember the day I decided to free myself from the person I didn’t want to be anymore. I drew a picture of the “me” I didn’t want to see anymore. After I drew the picture of her, I cried for her and told her that she could transform. Within a moment in time, I saw someone beautiful and enlightened and no longer felt the burdens of the old person I was. For once I didn’t fear being seen or heard, and I could relax and enjoy life. Every moment after that became a moment to celebrate who I was. Spirituality, ritual, and prayer became the foundation of my life. Every day I would affirm my greatness. I began putting myself back together piece by piece and started educating myself about the power of feminine divinity. I taught myself how to love myself and studied the ways of powerful goddesses from around the world. I learned how to embrace my flaws and share who I was with others.

The journey toward self-preservation was one that took time, patience, and willpower. In the midst of my confusion, I didn’t know how I would end my despair. I couldn’t see the brighter side to life, but I was determined to find it. Now that I am free from the turmoil of my earlier years, I know that anything is possible and that it’s never too late to transform. I am able to see the beauty in life and myself, and that is the greatest thing I’ve gained from my experience. The greatest thing that I have gained from this experience is that now I am able to see the beauty of life and the greatness that lies within me. I am glad to relay this message of hope to other young ladies like me. You can overcome anything.

Quintrecia Lane is a twenty-one-year-old Brooklyn resident who is a singer, belly dancer, performance artist, and aspiring writer. She shares her gift of artistry with the community by performing at various venues across the New York City greater metropolitan area.