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Chapter 14

“I don’t leave you any choice? What do mean by that?” Rush demanded.

Lindy didn’t know. All she did know was that everything the other wives had warned her about was happening. Rush and she had such little time together and, not wanting to say or do anything to disrupt these precious few days, Lindy had skimmed the surface of their relationship, ignoring the deep waters of unhappiness and strife. They’d avoided any chance of conflict in their marriage until everything was ready to burst inside her.

“Well?” he repeated.

“I don’t know,” she admitted reluctantly. “I want you to do something else with your life. Something outside of the navy that isn’t dangerous. You’ve got me to think about now…and children later. Maybe you think I’m being selfish, but I want you to be a husband and father before anything else. The navy is first with you now and I’ll always be a poor second. I hate it.”

Rush rammed his fingers through his hair. “Honey, you can’t change a man from what he already is. You don’t have any idea what you’re asking me to do—it’d be impossible.”

“You don’t seem to understand what you want of me,” she countered sharply. “You claim you love me. You claim you want our marriage to work. But I’ll always play second fiddle in your life, and I can’t. I just can’t deal with that. If playing hero is so important to you, then fine.”

Rush’s lips tightened and he stood and walked away from her.

“I love you, Rush.” Her voice was taut, strangled. “All I’m asking is for you to love me as much as I do you.”

“I do love you,” he shouted.

“No.” She shook her head with such force that her hair went swirling around her face. “You love the navy more.”

“It’s been my life for fifteen years.”

“I want to be your life now.”

“God, Lindy, you want me to give up everything that’s ever been important to me.” He threw back his head as a man in agony would, closed his eyes and then glared at the dark ceiling.

Lindy bounced her index finger against her chest. “I want to be the most important person in your life.”

“You are!”

“No,” she murmured sadly. “I’m not. Look at you. You nearly died on that stupid aircraft carrier and you can hardly wait to get back. I can feel the restlessness in you. It’s like you’ve got to prove something.”

Rush whirled around to face her then, his eyes wide, his body taut. “You knew what I was when we got married. You were perfectly aware how I felt about the navy then. You were willing to accept it as my career. What happened to that unshakable confidence you had that we were doing the right thing to rush into marriage? Lord, I can’t believe this.”

“I was confident I loved you. I’m sure of it now.”

“The navy is part of me, Lindy. A big part of who and what I am. Don’t you see that?”

“No.” Her voice cracked, and she sobbed once.

The sight of her tears seemed to tear at him and Rush knelt beside her and pulled her into one arm, holding her tightly, as though he felt her pain and was desperate to do anything he could to alleviate it. Lindy wept against his shoulder, her arms moving up and clinging to his neck. His mouth sought and found hers and he kissed her into submission while his hand worked its magic on her body, destroying her will to argue.

Before Lindy knew what was happening, Rush had her back in bed and his mouth was sucking on her breast; he was tormenting her nipples with his tongue, and she was being devoured by the licking flames of desire.

“No…no,” she sobbed, and pushed him away. She jumped out of bed, her shoulders heaving with the effort it had cost her to leave his arms. “You aren’t going to use me this way!”

Rush rolled on his back and closed his eyes in angry frustration. “Use you! Now it’s a sin to make love to you, too?”

“It is when you use lovemaking to bury an issue.”

“Can you blame me?” he shouted, his patience obviously on a short fuse. “I’m flying out of here shortly. I won’t see you until the middle of December—if then, from the way you’re talking. I’d prefer that we spend our last hours making love, not fighting. If that’s such a terrible crime, then I’m guilty.”

The alarm rang, and the tinny sound echoed around the room, startling them both. Lindy glared accusingly at the clock radio. Already it was time for Rush to leave her, and she hadn’t said even half of what was in her heart.

Without a word her husband climbed out of bed and started dressing in his uniform. He had some difficulty, with his left arm in a cast, but he didn’t seek her help, and she didn’t offer.

Numb with pain and disbelief, Lindy watched him. Nothing she’d said had mattered to him. Not one word had seemed to reach him. He was so intent on getting back to the Mitchell that nothing, not her love, not her demands or her pleas, was important enough to delay him.

Once he finished buttoning his shirt, Rush picked up his things that littered the room, preparing to leave.

Lindy hated the way he ignored her so completely. For all the notice he gave her, she might as well have been an empty beer can. Savored for the moment of pleasure it brought, discarded once used.

She was kneeling in the middle of their bed, and the tears streaked her face. “It’s either the navy or me,” she said, and her voice wobbled as she struggled not to beg him.

Rush paused at the door, his hand on the knob, but he didn’t turn around to look at her. “I love you, Lindy, but I can’t change what I am because of your fears. I could leave the navy, but it wouldn’t be the right decision for either of us. If you’re going to force me to decide, then I have to go with what I am.”

Lindy felt as though he’d struck her. She closed her eyes and covered her face with both hands. The door of the hotel room opened, and desperate now, she scooted off the bed. “Rush.”

He paused.

“When the Mitchell returns, I won’t be on that dock waiting for you!” She shouted the words at him, in a voice that was threatening as a shark’s jaw. “I mean it. I won’t be there.”

His shoulders were stiff, his head held high and proud. “Then I won’t expect you,” he said, and walked away from her without looking back.

* * *

Steve was waiting for Lindy when she stepped out of the jetway that led into the interior of Sea-Tac Airport. He brushed a quick kiss over her cheek and took the carry-on bag from her hand. When he lifted his head and looked at her, he paused and frowned.

“How was the flight?”

Lindy shrugged, praying she didn’t look as bad as she felt. “Fine.”

“How’s Rush?”

“He couldn’t be better,” she answered, unable to keep her voice from dipping with heavy sarcasm. “He’s all navy—you know him. God, country, apple pie—the whole patriotic bit. He nearly lost his arm. He nearly bled to death, but he couldn’t enjoy a few days in paradise because it was more important for him to get back to the Mitchell. He’s got a job to do, you know. He alone is going to uphold world peace. You didn’t tell me what a hero I married, Steve.”

Looking stunned, her brother stopped and glared at her, his eyes wide and filled with surprise. “Exactly what is your problem?”

“Nothing,” she flared. “Everything,” she amended.

“What happened?”

She didn’t want Steve to be gentle and concerned. Not when she was being forced to admit her blunder. “You were right from the first. I made a mistake…. A bad one. I’m not the kind of woman who will ever make a good navy wife…. You knew that from the beginning.”

Steve’s frown deepened. “I’ve come to think differently in the past few weeks. Lindy, when we got the news there’d been an accident aboard the Mitchell, you were as solid as a rock. It was me who fell apart at the seams. Don’t you remember how I kept telling you you should prepare yourself for the worst? Everything I said and did was wrong. You were like an anchor during that whole time. I was the one leaning on you for strength.”

Lindy’s smile was weak and gentle as she placed her hand on her brother’s forearm. “You were wonderful. I thank God you were there.”

“But you love Rush. Dear God, Lindy, you were so strong and brave when we learned he was missing, and yet I was afraid it would have killed you if the damage control party hadn’t found Rush in time.”

“Yes, I love him. But I’m not willing to take second place in his life. With Rush—” she paused and looked up at him, her gaze narrowing “—and with you, the navy will always come first.”

“Did you tell Rush this?”

She nodded, and her eyes filled with an unspeakable sadness. “He knows exactly how I feel.”

“What are you going to do now?”

“I…I don’t know.”

Steve placed his free arm around her shoulder and squeezed gently. “Don’t decide anything yet. You’re hurting and miserable. You’ve got several weeks to think matters through and then, once Rush is safely back in Seattle, you two can sort things out.”

“I told Rush I wouldn’t be there to meet him when the Mitchell sails home. I meant it, Steve. He put the navy first. He was the one who chose his career over me.”

Steve’s mouth and eyes thinned with frustration. “You sent Rush back to the Mitchell with that piece of good news? Come on, Lindy. It’s time to grow up here. So you were worried about him. That’s only natural. But don’t try to suffocate him now because eventually it’ll kill your marriage. Rush isn’t the kind of man who’s going to let someone else dictate his life. You knew that when you agreed to be his wife.”

Lindy pulled herself free from her brother’s hold. “I didn’t expect you to understand.”

“For God’s sake, Lindy, you want to castrate a man because he’s got a job to do and feels honor-bound to do it? What kind of logic is that?”

“I’m not going to talk about it anymore.” Quick-paced, determined steps carried her down the concourse and away from her brother. She should have known better than to even try to talk to him. Steve Kyle was as much into patriot games as Rush.

“Lindy,” her brother called, catching up with her. “I can’t let you ruin your life like this—and Rush’s in the process. Any idiot can see how much you two love each other.”

“I don’t want to hear this. It’s none of your business, so keep your opinions to yourself.”

“I can’t!”

“Get your own house in order, big brother, and then you can start cleaning mine. Until then, stay out of my affairs.” Lindy regretted the harsh words the minute they tumbled over her tongue. Steve looked at her as though she’d stabbed a knife into his chest. A muscle in his jaw leaped to life and she saw her brother mentally withdrawing from her, as if a mechanical door were slowly lowering, blocking her out.

His eyes narrowed and hardened as his angry gaze briefly met hers. “If that’s the way you want it.”

It wasn’t, but she didn’t know how to retract those cruel words. He didn’t bother to wait for an answer and marched away from her. Lindy caught up with him in the baggage claim area and they rode into the city in a stilted, uneasy silence.

“I didn’t mean what I said earlier,” Lindy told him, once they were inside the apartment.

Her brother didn’t look at her. “Yes, you did,” he said after a moment, and walked away from her.

* * *

“I seem to be batting a thousand lately,” Lindy confided to Susan. She’d been back from Hawaii almost three weeks now, but this was the first opportunity she’d had to visit her friend. “In one short week, I managed to alienate both my husband and my brother.”

“Have you heard from Rush?” Susan asked, replenishing the coffee in both their cups.

“No. But then I didn’t expect to.”

“Have you written him?”

Lindy reached for her coffee cup, cradling it with both hands, letting the warmth burn her palms. “No.”

Susan pulled out a chair and slumped down. She was nearly five months pregnant and just starting to wear maternity tops. She looked soft and fragile, but underneath she was as tough as leather. Lindy would have given everything she owned to possess the same grit and fortitude as her friend.

“From what I can tell, you’ve put yourself in a no-win situation,” Susan said softly, sadly.

“My God, Rush was nearly killed. It was so close. The doctors said—” Lindy paused and bit into her bottom lip to control the emotion that rocked her every time she thought about the accident.

“He could have gotten hurt in a car accident driving to an office just as easily. Would you suggest he never sit in a car again?”

“No. Of course not.” Her hands shook as she raised the mug to her lips and took a sip. “The accident taught me something more. Whatever it takes to be a good navy wife, I don’t have it. I couldn’t stand on that pier and smile the next time Rush gleefully sails off into the sunset. I can’t take these long months of separation. I always thought married people were one, a unit, two people sculpting a life together. It’s not that way with Rush. It won’t ever be that way—not as long as he’s in the navy. I can’t be like you, Susan. I wish I could, but it’s just not in me.”

“You’d rather be separated for a lifetime?” Susan questioned, frowning.

“Yes. It would be easier than dying by inches. No. Oh God, Susan, I don’t know what I want anymore.”

Her friend didn’t say anything for a long time, and when she did, her voice was gentle, understanding. “I stopped counting the times I’ve said goodbye to Jeff a long time ago. Every time I stand out on that pier and watch that huge carrier pull away, I think I’ll never be able to do it again. Letting Jeff go, and doing it with a smile, takes everything there is inside me. You’ve got it wrong, Lindy. You think I’m so brave and good, but I’m not.”

“But you are.”

“No. I’m just a woman who loves her man.”

“I love Rush, too,” Lindy returned defiantly.

“I know, and he loves you.” The tip of Susan’s finger circled the rim of her coffee cup as she averted her gaze, her look thoughtful. “I don’t think I’ll ever forget the night I first met you. We were in the kitchen chatting, and Rush and Jeff were fiddling around on the patio with the barbecue. Remember?”

Lindy nodded.

“You were holding one of the boys and I saw Rush look at you. Lindy, there’s no way I can describe the longing that came into his eyes. Just watching him stare at you with such tenderness made me want to weep. It was as if you were the Madonna holding the baby Jesus. In that moment, I knew how much your love had changed Rush, and how important you had become to him in those short weeks.

“You might succeed in getting him to leave the navy, but in time you’ll regret it. I know Rush will. Eventually it would cripple him, and in the process, you. If ever there was a man who was meant to lead others, meant to serve his country, it’s Rush.”

“Why is it always the woman who has to change?” Lindy cried. “It’s not fair.”

“You’re right,” Susan agreed, with a sad smile. “It isn’t fair. All I can say is, if you try to change Rush and succeed, he won’t be the same man you fell in love with, or the same man you married.”

Lindy bowed her head, more confused than ever.

“Rush took your words to heart,” Susan added, looking both disheartened and disappointed.

Lindy jerked her gaze up. “How do you know that?”

“He doesn’t expect you to be waiting for him when the Mitchell docks next month. Jeff wrote that Rush has volunteered for the first watch.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means he’s going to remain on board as officer of the day the first twelve hours after the crew is dismissed. He told Jeff he didn’t have any reason to hurry home since you weren’t going to be there.”

“But, I didn’t mean I wouldn’t be at the apartment!”

Susan shrugged. “How was Rush supposed to know that?”

* * *

The phone rang twice and Lindy glanced at her watch, calculating if she had enough time to answer it before meeting Susan and the other navy wives. She had no intention of being late for this last fling before the Mitchell docked. Taking a chance, she hurried into the kitchen.

“All right, all right,” she grumbled, and reached for the receiver. “Hello?”

Her greeting was followed by a short silence, and then a soft female voice asked, “Is Steve Kyle available, please?”

“Carol? Is that you?” Lindy’s heart started to pound with excitement. She’d been wanting to talk to her former sister-in-law for weeks.

“Who’s this?”

Carol’s voice was far from fragile and she could almost picture the petite, gentle blonde squaring her shoulders and bringing up her chin.

“It’s Lindy.”

“Lindy! I didn’t know you were in Seattle.”

“Six months now.”

“You should have called. I’d love to see you again.”

“I wanted to contact you,” Lindy said, her spirits lifting as a Christmas song came over the radio, “but Steve wasn’t in favor of the idea. How are you?”

“Good. Real good. Well, tell me—are you Mrs. Paul Abrams yet?” The question was followed by a light, infectious laugh. “The last time I saw you, Paul had just given you a diamond ring and you were floating on cloud nine.”

It was difficult for Lindy to remember those days. She may have been fooled into thinking she was happy, but that contentment had been short-lived. She would never have been the right woman for Paul. Once again she thanked God he’d had enough foresight to have recognized as much.

“I married Rush Callaghan,” Lindy told her.

A short, shocked silence followed. “You did? Why that’s wonderful—congratulations. I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for Rush.”

The last person Lindy wanted to discuss was her husband, especially the way matters were between them now. “Steve isn’t here at the moment, but he’ll be back soon. I’ll tell him you called.” Lindy hesitated and then decided she couldn’t hold her tongue any longer. “I don’t know what happened between you two—Steve never told me—but whatever it is, I hope you can patch it up. He misses you dreadfully.” Lindy knew her brother would have her hide if he knew she’d told Carol that.

Carol laughed, but the mirth couldn’t disguise her pain. “He’s gotten along fine without me, and I’ve learned to manage without him, too. Leave a message for him, will you?”

“Of course.”

“But tell him—” Carol added quickly, “—tell him it isn’t overly important.”

“Sure. I’ll be happy to.”

“It was nice talking to you again, Lindy. Really nice. I’m pleased for you and Rush. Be happy, you hear?”

Lindy nodded, although she knew Carol couldn’t see the action. “I will,” she mumbled. “I will.”

* * *

Rush stood at the bridge ready to be relieved of duty. The sky was a deep shade of pearl gray and he expected it to start raining any minute. The foul weather suited his mood. The Mitchell was home, and his friends had hurried off the carrier and down the gangway to a happy reunion with their wives and families, eager to spend the holidays with their loved ones.

Rush had stood on the bridge, hungrily scanning the crowds through his binoculars, hoping with everything in him that he’d find Lindy there. He would have given his retirement pay to have found her among the well-wishers, waiting for him.

But Lindy hadn’t been there, and a small part of Rush had died with the knowledge. Cheryl hadn’t been there for him, either. Rush shouldn’t have been surprised. Lindy had told him in Hawaii she had no intention of standing on the gangway, and she’d meant it. He was a fool to even have expected her.

His watchful gaze scanned the outline of the city of Bremerton and the Christmas decorations that hung from the streetlights. For the past six weeks of the cruise, he’d closed himself off from thoughts of Lindy, mentally chastising himself for exposing his heart a second time. Over and over again, he’d told himself women were too fickle to be trusted. But now that he was in port everything had changed and he knew he would eventually have to face her.

Marrying Lindy had been a gamble—he’d known it the day he slipped the wedding band on her finger. Her brother had had every reason to come down on him so hard. His friend was right. Rush had taken advantage of Lindy. He’d cashed in on her pain and insecurities, used her infatuation with him for his own purposes. It wasn’t any wonder Lindy was confused and miserably unhappy now. Everything that had happened between them was his fault and he accepted full responsibility. Lindy wasn’t ready to be a wife and she wanted out.

Rush didn’t blame her.

His relief arrived and, after making the necessary notations in the log, Rush picked up his seabag and headed down the steep gangway. A stiff, cold breeze hit him and he paused to raise the collar of his thick wool jacket. There was no reason to hurry, and his steps were heavy.

His left arm was free of the cast now, but he still hadn’t regained full use of it. His shoulder ached almost unbearably at times, but Rush had welcomed the pain. The physical throbbing somehow helped overshadow the mental agony of what had happened between him and Lindy.

Halfway down the gangway, something made him glance up. He stopped, his heart thundering against his rib cage, unable to believe his own eyes. There, alone at the end of the pier stood Lindy. The strong wind plastered her long coat to her torso and beat her thick dark hair roughly about her face. Her hands were buried in her coat pockets and she’d raised her chin, her loving eyes following his movements, patiently waiting.

Years of discipline, weeks of control, snapped within Rush as he dropped his seabag and started walking toward her. His chest felt as though he was on fire, he was fighting so hard to bury the emotion that pounded through him. His pulse started to beat in his temple. She’d come. His Lindy had come.

Rush quickened his pace and Lindy started running toward him, her arms outstretched. He caught her and pulled her into his embrace, burying his face in her soft hair, breathing in her delicate scent.

He tried to speak and found he couldn’t. His tongue might as well have been attached to the roof of his mouth, and after a half second, he gave up trying to voice his thoughts. It came to him then how unnecessary words really were.

He sighed and reveled in the warm glow of Lindy’s love at full strength. It worked on him like a healing potion, a relentless tide surging against him at full crest. It was as though they had exchanged their wedding vows there, at that moment on that pier, so strong was the love that flowed between them.

“Rush,” she cried, tears in her voice. “I’m sorry, so sorry.”

She held him so tightly that Rush could barely breathe. He closed his eyes, letting his heart and mind soak up her words. Each one tenderly removed the barbs of doubt that had tormented him, each one healed the pain and deep sense of loss these past weeks of separation had brought him. Each word confirmed what he’d always known but had been afraid to admit, fearing it would cripple him for life. He loved Lindy, loved her beyond anything else there could ever be in his world. He loved her more than the thrill of navigating the oceans, more than serving his country and commanding men. From the minute she’d given him her heart, Rush had only one mistress, only one wife, and that was Lindy.

“I love you,” she said fiercely. “I’ve been such a fool.” Lindy felt home at last in Rush’s arms. This was where she belonged, where she planned to stay. It had taken these long weeks apart for her to realize what a fool she’d been to risk losing this wonderful man. Everything Susan had said was true, and Lindy had finally recognized the truth in her friend’s words.

“You?” His voice was strained and husky with emotion. “If anyone was a fool, it was me. I should never have walked away from you in Hawaii.”

The muscles in his lean jaw bunched and she kissed him, not able to wait a moment longer. Her hands lovingly stroked the sides of his face, relishing touching him so freely. Her mind groped for the words to explain.

“I was wrong, Rush, so wrong to try to force you to choose between me and the navy.”

“Lindy, stop.” He held a hand to her mouth to cut off her words. “Listen to me, my love. The reenlistment papers are in my pocket. I haven’t signed them, and I won’t.”

She broke away, her face tight with disbelief. “You most certainly will sign those papers, Rush Callaghan.”

From the look he gave her, Lindy knew she couldn’t have shocked him more had she announced she was six months pregnant. His gaze narrowed as he studied her.

“The last time we talked, you were dead set against the navy. You wanted to be first in my life. I’m telling you I’m willing to give you what you want.”

“You came so close to dying,” she reminded him softly, and her voice trembled slightly with remembered pain. “I don’t know if you’re even aware of how badly you were injured.”

He shook his head.

Rush had changed in so many ways since Hawaii. His shoulders were broader and his eyes less clouded, letting her look into his heart and know his thoughts.

“I couldn’t bear the thought of losing you, Rush. It terrified me. I decided that if I was going to be forced to give you up, I’d rather get it over with quickly instead of letting go of you a little at a time. That was why I asked you to give up the navy. That was why I told you I wouldn’t be here when you returned. Believe me, I know how crazy that sounds now. But at the time I felt I was doing the right thing.”

“That’s the most twisted piece of reasoning I’ve ever heard.”

“I know,” she whispered, dropping her gaze.

“Lindy, I meant what I said about those reenlistment papers. If you want a civilian for a husband, I’ll do my damnedest to adjust.”

She met his intense gaze and smiled through her tears. “Sign the papers, Rush. I’ve done a lot of maturing these past six weeks. You wanted a navy wife and by God, you’ve got one.”

He stared at her and a strange, unidentifiable light flared in his gaze, darkening and then lightening their cornflower blue.

“You mean it, don’t you?”

She nodded vigorously. “You bet I do. I may make mistakes along the way, but I’m willing to learn. I love you, Rush.”

“I love you, wife.”

“Navy wife,” she amended.

Rush laughed and folded her in his arms, holding on to her as though he never planned to let her go. When they broke apart, Rush retrieved his seabag, and with their arms wrapped around each other’s waists, they stepped forward toward tomorrow—a naval officer and his first mate.

* * * * *