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Chapter 1

The Lustful Betrayer—Knowing No Limits

Pete, a middle-aged businessman, claimed he had never been happy in his marriage. He was raised in a poor Italian family and never went far in school. When he met his future wife, Jane, in high school, he was captivated by her beauty and intelligence. Her family was from the better side of the tracks, wealthy and sophisticated. Dating, he felt honored to have her as his girlfriend, believing that others envied him. After high school, Pete began working in the office of an electrical supply company as an errand boy. He was accustomed to hard work and ambitious to make something of himself. Jane went away to an Ivy League college where she earned a degree in liberal arts. For several years, they maintained a long-distance relationship and were together during Jane’s vacations.

After Jane graduated from college, they decided to marry. Pete worked hard to put money away and advanced in the company. His superiors recognized his work ethic and natural leadership ability, despite his lack of education. Because both were Catholic, they refrained from having sex before marriage, although Pete constantly tried to coax Jane into it. She resisted his every advance, promising that saving herself for marriage would be worth it. They were married in a Catholic church in the wealthy suburb where Jane’s parents resided. Local papers reported the ceremony as the social event of the season. Pete and Jane tied the knot in the presence of their family and friends, hopeful for a life of promise and bliss together.

The hope and promise evaporated quickly for Pete on their wedding night. Pete was anxious to consummate their marriage but Jane claimed she was too exhausted for sex and asked him to wait for the honeymoon. They flew to a resort in the Caribbean the next day. Jane remained aloof and passive, though willing, when he initiated sex during their honeymoon. Pete imagined it was just nervousness and inexperience that prevented Jane from enjoying sex, so he remained patient when they returned to the routine of their lives.

After the honeymoon, Pete went back to work and Jane occupied herself with putting their new home together. They fell into a routine of weekly sex in which Jim always felt an edge of dissatisfaction. He was always more interested in sex than she was. He complained and became increasingly irritable, occasionally erupting with temper outbursts. Jane was shocked at his anger, which she’d never experienced while dating. She saw Pete as a quiet man who worked hard. When he got angry, she withdrew in fear and became even more passive.

The distance increased in their relationship as Pete became more involved in work, and Jane focused on maintaining the home and pursuing her interests. Their infrequent sex nevertheless resulted in two pregnancies. Jane then occupied herself with caring for the two children, while Pete spent more and more time at work. He climbed the ladder at his company, becoming a hard-nosed manager who earned a substantial income. He was achieving the career success he had longed for.

Pete had always enjoyed the attention of women and he was feeling neglected at home. His secretary, an attractive younger woman, caught his attention. They became friends. She shared with Pete her marital problems and stress raising two young children with a deadbeat husband. They went out for a drink occasionally after work. Pete always made some excuse to Jane that he had to work late. He withdrew more and more into a secret life, fantasizing about a future with his young secretary. Eventually, they began regular meetings for sex. Pete justified it because his wife could not fulfill his natural desires. He saw her as a frigid woman. “I’m just a normal man with natural needs,” he told himself. Pete never considered divorce because of his Catholic upbringing and position in the community as a successful businessman. Furthermore, he did not want to break up the family. For several years he maintained a double life, keeping the façade of a happy family man while indulging his sexual and emotional needs with his mistress. He became an expert at subterfuge, keeping his wife in the dark about his other life.

Then the inevitable occurred. His wife found a motel receipt and confronted him, threatening divorce. At that point, to preserve the marriage and his image, Pete agreed to come to therapy. I met with them as a couple and with each of them separately.

I explored Pete’s family background with him. He was the oldest of three children in a traditional Italian family. His parents grew up in Italy and were married there. They moved to the United States to escape the poverty of their village. Pete’s father was a quiet, hardworking man who labored long hours at a construction company. During the winters he had his own home improvement business. Pete remembered his father being absent most of the time. His mother was a simple, uneducated woman who kept herself busy doting on the children and caring for the home. His parents showed little affection for each other and never seemed to talk. His father was a domineering, strong-willed man in his silence, and his mother followed his directions without complaint or questioning. They just seemed disengaged from each other.

Pete enjoyed his freedom in his father’s absence. He feared his strong-willed father and manipulated his weak mother. Outwardly, he conformed to his parent’s requests, but secretly he did what he pleased. He rode his bike to school, but often skipped classes on the sunny, warm days to go fishing. His parents were fervent Catholics. As a teen he told them he preferred to go to Mass alone. He often skipped church to play baseball with his friends. His friends nicknamed him “Sneaky Pete.”

When I asked Pete about his parents’ marriage, he observed, “It was just your traditional, old country Italian marriage.” I inquired about the possibility of either having been unfaithful and Pete mentioned that his father spent much time with his female cousin, saying, “They connected because they were from the same town.” Further probing led Pete to admit, “I heard some rumors that she was his mistress, but I didn’t think anything about it. In the old country, the men often had mistresses and it was no big deal. The women took care of the home, while the men took care of themselves.” He added, “I guess I became more like my father than I thought. My father crossed the line and I did the same thing.”

Pete decided, “I want to be honest with myself, perhaps for the first time in my life. I have never been happy in my marriage, and I can no longer tolerate living a double life.” He told Jane he was filing for divorce.

CHILDHOOD CONNECTION: IDENTIFYING WITH THE AGGRESSOR

For better or worse, the relationship of your parents becomes the model for your own relationships. What you grow up observing as a child becomes your norm, until you are older and can compare your childhood family experience with others. Then you may question your upbringing and its impact on your own life. Unless you develop a discerning attitude, you will repeat what you observed in your parents. You naturally gravitate toward what is familiar, finding comfort in the known and avoiding insecurity in the unknown. Even if you judge your upbringing as deficient, you have no positive role models on which to base a different life for yourself, unless you were fortunate enough to find some surrogate parental mentors.

If your parents’ marriage was troubled and you came to admit that, you undoubtedly told yourself, “That will never happen to me.” You will make every conscious effort to be different from your parents. But genetics always seem to take over and you may catch yourself behaving in ways you detested in your parents. Biology appears to be destiny and you pray you do not have the cheating gene.

Furthermore, as you focus closely on your past family life, you may discover a subconscious urge to repeat what you grew up with in order to create a different result. You unconsciously repeat your parents’ marriage in order to repair it and gain mastery over a painful past. In psychological jargon, it is called “repetition compulsion.” You are compelled to repeat a painful past to make it different.

As the saying goes, “Imitation is the highest form of flattery.” Children naturally imitate their parents as a way to stay bonded with them. When your parent was unfaithful, he or she betrayed not only his or her partner, but also you and the whole family. The decision to venture outside the marriage caused a severe disruption in family life. Peace and stability in the family were shattered. Furthermore, your secure relationship with your parents was strained beyond the breaking point. Even though you were not fully aware of the reason for the disruption, you instinctively knew that something your parents did caused it. At some level, you blamed your parents, developed mistrust of them and were angry with them. In turn, their preoccupation with the betrayal caused them to be emotionally unavailable to you and the other children. Their absence and your reaction strained your bond of closeness with them. The fear of losing them was intolerable to you as a child. One way of compensating for the strained relationship was to become like them. You identified with them to keep them close—to maintain the bond—when you feared losing it.

When you repeat your parents’ relationship, you may be drawn to identify with either your mother or your father. The tendency is to identify with the parent of the same sex, but that does not always happen. In the case of parental infidelity, there is a powerful tendency to identify with either the betrayer or the victim, thereby becoming unfaithful in your own marriage or marrying someone who cheats on you. If you identify with the betrayer, you gain a sense of his power and freedom, which is really an illusion. It is called “identifying with the aggressor.” The person who has the affair seems to have the upper hand over the other who is victimized. Relatively speaking, the betrayer is more powerful, the victim more vulnerable.

Are there signs that you may be drawn to the betrayer role? Remember that having an affair is a conscious choice. No one is irresistibly drawn to be unfaithful with another. The more you know yourself, the more information you have to make a conscious decision about what behavior is in your best interest. Look within yourself honestly and ask the following questions.

AM I A BETRAYER?

• Do I have a strong desire for power and control, for doing what I want?

• Do I feel dissatisfied in my marriage?

• Do I sweep problems under the rug and not address them?

• Do I crave the attention of women and/or men?

• Does my self-esteem depend on how others react to me?

• Do I like to flirt?

• Am I easily bored and looking for excitement?

• Am I preoccupied with sex?

• Do I believe that I cannot be happy without a satisfying sex life?

• Do I feel neglected by my spouse?

• Do I feel smothered in my marriage?

• Do I have difficulty communicating with my spouse?

• Do I lack a strong sense of commitment to my marriage?

• Do I lie easily to myself and others?

• Can I justify cheating to myself?

• Am I seriously considering divorce?

Your honest answers to these questions may alert you to character components that make you vulnerable to betray your partner.

PATH OF HEALING: GIVING UP THE SHAME AND GUILT

The path of healing leads to an honest acceptance of yourself and to forgiveness of your unfaithful parent for not providing you with an adequate role model for your own relationships. How do you arrive at self-acceptance and forgiveness? For those who have been unfaithful to their spouses, they must face the shame and guilt they feel.

As much as you may rationalize it, when you are unfaithful to your spouse, you are filled with guilt, shame and self-loathing. Guilt has a bad reputation in our Puritan society because its excesses receive so much press. However, pangs of guilt serve a purpose in alerting us that we are not living up to our standards. They indicate a refusal to accept the limits of our own moral standards. Sometimes those standards may be unrealistic and we live with a constant sense of failure. However, most often, we can discern and measure ourselves against reasonable standards. In the case of infidelity, we disregard the boundaries of marriage in becoming emotionally and/or sexually involved with someone other than our spouses. Self-will and lust run rampant of moral restraint. The uncomfortable sense of remorse for violating our standards of behavior leads us to change and make restitution for the behavior, and the guilt disappears. Lingering guilt expressed in beating ourselves up serves no useful purpose and may be motivated by some hidden urge for self-punishment.

Guilt arises from the experience of missing the mark, making a mistake, not living up to personal standards or ignoring moral limits. Shame emerges from a deep sense of personal deficiency. It proclaims, “I am a mistake.” It attacks our sense of self-worth and leads to self-loathing. While guilt touches the surface of our behavior, shame grips our inner cores and destroys our feelings of personal worth. If we think of ourselves as worthless, we then begin mistreating ourselves and allowing others to abuse us. We treat ourselves as junk and invite others to do the same. Of course, this occurs mostly on an unconscious level. So there is an urgency for us as betrayers to either face our guilt and shame honestly or suffer the consequences of a miserable life.

One of the best mechanisms I know that helps resolve shame and guilt is to utilize the twelve-step program of Alcoholics Anonymous. The steps are used to heal a broad range of compulsive behaviors: drug addiction, eating disorders, gambling, sexual addiction, excessive shopping, compulsive emotions and codependent behavior. The steps embody both psychological and spiritual wisdom in addressing the character defects that underlie the compulsive behavior and allowing natural goodness to shine through. There is often a compulsive character to the unfaithful behavior of betrayers whose origin is in childhood. They see their behavior as giving in to an irresistible natural urge, something automatic and thoughtless. Most often, those who cheat on their spouses do not see clearly the connection between their behavior and that of their unfaithful parents or the devastating effect on their partners. Self-awareness and a firm resolution to change promote recovery.

1. ACKNOWLEDGE THE PAIN.

The process of recovery begins with the recognition of your own suffering and the misery you are causing your partner with your behavior. All personal change and growth arises from suffering and embracing it fully, not running away from it. If you pretend you are not hurting yourself and your partner, you will continue to be stuck repeating the hurtful behavior. The experience of this suffering launches you into a search for some escape. The wisdom of the ages, both psychological and spiritual, teaches that accepting reality with honesty and sincerity is the only path to happiness. So you must desire with your heart and soul to be radically honest with yourself. Only honesty will move you forward.

Such radical honesty can be difficult for anyone because of our tendency to live out our fantasies of how we think life should be. But for you who grew up in a home where your parent was unfaithful, your childhood model was one of deceit. Affairs are sustained by lying. In fact, the greatest harm of an infidelity is not the individual acts, but the cover-up that undermines any sense of trust in the relationship. The basic trust that is the foundation of a marital relationship is destroyed by the deceit. The spouse comes to mistrust anything that his or her unfaithful partner says or does. If your parent was unfaithful, you grew up infected by the deceit. You were caught in the web. You learned, without fully realizing it, that you could lie to yourself and others with impunity. You lacked models of truthfulness.

2. MAKE A MORAL INVENTORY.

If you desire to be honest with yourself, then you must undertake a moral inventory. This is also called an examination of conscience in religious circles. To undertake such an inventory, you must stop, look and listen to the stirrings in your heart. You must also step back and become an observer of your own behavior: what you have done and what you are doing now with your life. What do you see going on within you? You may discover that being introspective is a new experience that can be unsettling, because you are so used to keeping busy and active without thinking seriously about what you are doing. But take courage and continue the inner examination. Eventually, you will realize that you are better than the cheating behavior that has caused so much distress for you and your family. When you examine yourself, be totally honest and see both your strengths and your weaknesses. That is genuine humility, seeing yourself as you really are, not just being preoccupied with your own fault-finding.

3. CONFESS YOUR FAULTS.

The next step is to confess what you learn about yourself to another. Shame and guilt want to hide in darkness, but exposing them to the light causes them to evaporate, like the mist that all feelings are. It is really pride and an inflated self-image that motivate you to hide yourself from others and even yourself. Talking about your failings and strengths with another can be liberating because you surrender the burden of secrecy you carried so long in hiding your affair. The acceptance of another can also help free you from your own harsh judgments about yourself and your behavior. Of course, there is always the danger of self-deception, especially since infidelity had become a way of life for you. Requesting honest feedback from someone you trust can help you to be honest with yourself.

Be careful about choosing the person to whom you confess. The person must be trustworthy to keep your confidence. It might be a therapist, trusted friend, priest or minister. That person should not be your spouse whom you betrayed, because the honest and detailed revelations may well be overwhelming. Over time you will find effective ways of confessing to your partner that will be beneficial in rebuilding trust.

4. MAKE AMENDS.

The next step involves making amends to all the people you harmed with your behavior. Catholics call it doing penance. Making amends needs to be done carefully so as not to create more harm. You are entitled to privacy and do not have to announce your indiscretion to the world. People do not have a right to know your business or your failings. Thinking seriously about the people you have harmed by your wayward behavior makes the consequences of your self-indulgence more real. You become more aware of how your self-centered behavior caused others severe harm. Such awareness can increase your sense of healthy remorse and determination never to be unfaithful again. It can accelerate the process of overcoming your self-obsession, becoming genuinely concerned about the well-being of others. In making amends, you think about how you can restore the balance in relationships that have been upset by your behavior. You ask yourself, “How can I make up for what I have done? How can I be more loving and truthful?” Reversing the downward trend of your life, you can replace dishonesty with truthfulness, the stealing of time and energy with loving attention and the hiding with openness.

5. MAKE A NEW START.

The final step flows naturally from the preceding ones. You make a firm decision never to be unfaithful again. You are resolved to make a new start in your life. Once you have honestly looked at yourself and the hurt you have caused others and yourself, you will naturally be determined to avoid that behavior. You realize that you as a person are better than that behavior. You will feel relief in not having to hide yourself and lead a double life. Your spouse may take some time to trust you again and may be suspicious that you will revert to your old ways. But be patient with him or her and acknowledge to yourself that you deserve his or her suspicion as a consequence of your behavior. Your resolution to be honest and loving will eventually move your spouse’s heart, if you are meant to remain married.

Through this process of facing your guilt and shame, you will come to greater self-awareness and self-acceptance. By acting in truth instead of deceit, in love instead of selfishness, you will come to forgive yourself. You will give up your self-loathing and desire to punish yourself.

PATH TO HEALING: GIVING UP GUILT

1) Acknowledge the pain you caused.

2) Make a moral inventory.

3) Confess your wrongdoing.

4) Make amends.

5) Resolve to make a new start.

As you become more aware of your unhappiness as an unfaithful spouse, think about your parent who betrayed the family. Think back on your memories and try focusing, not on your hurt, but on the suffering of your unfaithful parent. His or her infidelity arose from a sense of emptiness and pain, just as yours did. As you get in touch with your own suffering, feel the suffering of your betraying parent. Feel compassion for your parent as you begin to have compassion for yourself. Replace the anger and resentment, which only harms you, with love and tenderness. It will likely be difficult to feel genuine compassion for the parent who harmed you and the family, but begin with the intention to forgive. Be patient with yourself if resentment persists. Healing takes time and a willingness to forgive.

EXERCISE: METTA

Forgiveness begins with you. You will likely discover that fully accepting yourself because of your transgressions is no simple matter and requires time, patience, perseverance and effort. Others may mistakenly misjudge you, imagining that you do not take your betrayal seriously enough and are not sufficiently guilty. They expect you to live in “apology mode” for an indefinite length of time. However, if you embark sincerely on a path of healing, you will face squarely the obstacle of forgiving yourself.

Make no mistake about it. Unless you can learn to be compassionate and forgiving of yourself, you will not be able to be compassionate and forgiving of others, especially your cheating parent.

A traditional Eastern practice to develop compassion is called metta, or loving-kindness. This deceptively simple and powerful practice has been used for over twenty-five hundred years to cultivate loving feelings as an antidote to fear, hate and guilt. The practice is reinforced by modern psychology, which teaches that the way we think about ourselves profoundly affects our attitudes and behavior. Metta invites us to shower ourselves and others with kindness and compassion.³

For this exercise, sit comfortably in a quiet place. Try to shut out all distractions, especially your racing thoughts, and focus on the rhythm of your breath. Also relax your body, being aware of any tension you feel. Imagine breathing relaxation into the tense muscles you discover. As distracting thoughts arise—as they inevitably do—gently let them pass.

With a relaxed mind and body, imagine yourself in your pain. It may be helpful to hold in your hand a picture of yourself when you were a child. Transport yourself back to your childhood in your memory and relive the experience. See yourself as a child caught in the maelstrom of your parents’ unhappy marriage. Allow yourself to sense the innocence and helplessness that marked who you were as a child. Don’t rush it. Let the memories and feelings emerge. Feel some compassion for yourself as the child victimized by your parents’ troubles.

When you are ready, imagine yourself as an adult feeling the pain and turmoil of your unhappy marriage and your guilt and shame in seeking an escape through the affair. Again, feel some compassion for yourself, as difficult as it may be. Then select some phrases that express wishes for you in the present moment. For example, you may say to yourself, “May I be happy. May I be free from suffering. May I be at peace with myself. May I forgive myself for the wrongs I have done. May I be loving and truthful with my spouse.” Repeat three or four of these phrases for a period of time, allowing the words to penetrate your soul. Say the words slowly and thoughtfully in time with your breathing. Simply relax and repeat these phrases for at least ten minutes, longer if you are inclined. Throughout the day, if you are feeling tense, stop to repeat the phrases to bring a sense of serenity.

This exercise can also be used with other significant people in your life. At this point in your recovery you are probably most aware of the pain you caused your partner by your infidelity. You are aware of how much you betrayed his or her trust and that you must rebuild the relationship. It is your responsibility to take the initiative in the rebuilding process. As a starting point, you can begin by extending loving-kindness in thought and intention to your partner, developing compassion for that person in his or her suffering. Only love will overcome your sense of shame and guilt.

Begin this exercise again by quieting your mind, body and heart. Sit still in a quiet place. You may hold a picture of your spouse in your hands. Imagine the pain he or she is experiencing in this moment. Recall when he or she first discovered your cheating, the shock, hurt and rage. Allow your heart to reach out to your beloved. Then select phrases that express your heartfelt wishes for this person. “May she be happy. May he be free from the suffering I have caused. May she have joy in life. May he be at peace.” Slowly repeat these words, feeling your love pouring out to your partner, creating a bond of love. Repeat these words for a period of time, allowing your guilt to dissolve in a sea of love.

Undoubtedly, feelings of being betrayed by your unfaithful parents may emerge as you face your own infidelity. Although you are responsible for your behavior and no one else is to blame, you were influenced by your parents. In your own recovery, you will experience your need to forgive them and to release your anger toward them.

The metta exercise is a good way to kick-start that recovery. Again, hold a picture of your parents, preferably from your childhood. Imagine what their life was like when you were a child, what distress they may have been suffering. As a child you did not understand their problems, but as an adult who has walked in their footsteps, you have more insight. From a relaxed place, follow your breath until you feel still in your mind, body and heart. Now reach out to your parents with wishes for their well-being. “May they be happy. May they find peace. May they be free from suffering. May they enjoy good health.” The phrases need not be elaborate, just simple wishes from the heart. Slowly repeat these words, sensing the love and peace radiating from you to them. Throughout the day you can pause and repeat these phrases, renewing your intention to extend compassion to yourself, your partner and your parents.