Читать книгу Cheating Parents - Dennis Ortman - Страница 11
ОглавлениеThe Excitement-Seeking/Addicted—Holding On for Dear life
As a child, Ken loved to talk. He was a chatterbox with the gift of gab. He could talk his way into and out of any situation. He spent his free time wandering about the neighborhood, talking with anyone he met. Since Ken was such a talker, his parents predicted he would be a salesman.
Ken grew up to fulfill his parents’ expectations. He became a successful sales representative for a large company. Ken also loved adventure, which was satisfied by his job. He got to travel around the world, often to exotic places like Saudi Arabia, India and Vietnam. Ken enjoyed the thrill of the chase in putting together complicated business deals and trying to sell to difficult clients. He planned his strategy well, pursued his goals with energy and celebrated his victories with abandon. His job always kept him on the move and Ken preferred it that way. He was easily bored and could not sit still. When he tried to stop and relax, his mind raced with plans and projects he wanted to accomplish and a nervous restlessness overtook his body.
Ken could not keep himself busy enough, even when he was not working. He watched sports incessantly, baseball in spring and summer, football in fall and hockey and basketball in winter. At home, he always had projects going. When he was not home or on the job, he worked out at the gym, “just to keep my sanity,” he claimed.
Everyone was surprised when Ken dated and married Alice, a quiet, withdrawn, mousey woman who seemed to be his opposite in every way. While Ken ran around pursuing his interests, Alice stayed at home cooking, cleaning and relaxing with a book. They appeared to be the odd couple, but were content with each other nonetheless. After a long courtship, they married and settled into a routine, Alice as the anchor at home, and Ken on the go with restless energy.
Despite appearances of normality, Ken had a secret life. As a teen he developed the habit of masturbating daily to relax and help him sleep, because he was always so wound up. He discovered his father’s cache of adult magazines and videos, indulging himself to fulfill his fantasies. He complained that sex had become routine and boring in his marriage. Often he could not maintain an erection and felt discouraged. From magazines and videos, Ken graduated to Internet pornography. His wife often retired early to bed, leaving Ken alone and restless. The only way he believed he could relax after a grueling day of chasing sales deals was with his computer. He scanned pornography sites, finding images that matched his fantasies of being desired by beautiful, buxom women. He adopted pornography as his preferred sleep aid.
Being a member of a strict Protestant church, Ken felt a nagging guilt for his secret habit. However, he justified it to himself by thinking, “That’s the only way I know how to relax.” The thought passed through his mind that he was being unfaithful to his wife, but he quickly dismissed it, thinking, “I’m really not having sex with anyone, just myself.” He also began drinking more in the evenings to relax and wondered if it was becoming a problem. As time passed, Ken spent more time late into the evenings with his habit, feeling exhausted the next day at work. One late night, his wife awakened to notice his absence. Looking around the house, she found him hovering over the computer screen, indulging his fantasy. Outraged, she confronted him about how long it had been going on. She threatened divorce unless he got help.
The shame, guilt and fear of losing his marriage brought Ken to therapy. He admitted feeling relief that his secret was in the open, and now he had the motivation to address the problem. He always took pride in being a resourceful problem-solver, but he could not beat what he came to acknowledge as a sexual addiction. During treatment, Ken became aware of a deep feeling of inner emptiness which he filled up with exciting experiences. He never intended to hurt anyone with his behavior, but realized the harm he was causing himself and his family. He was determined to stop.
Ken had always had happy memories of his childhood. “It was normal, just like everyone else’s,” he insisted. Both his parents worked and provided well for him and his younger sister. They lacked for nothing, and everyone seemed to get along. After some time in therapy with gentle probing, some unhappy memories and a different picture of his childhood emerged. Ken felt alone and without much guidance growing up. His parents were unaffectionate and preoccupied with their own business. Ken remembered his mother was often lonely and bored, because his father worked long hours. She began to drink heavily to escape her boredom and went out to bars where she met men for one-night stands. His parents often argued about her going out, each blaming the other for their unhappiness. Ken could not stand the fighting and constant tension. To cope, he distracted himself outside the home in the pursuit of his adventures. “I just kept myself busy so I wouldn’t think about what was going on at home. I went to parties every weekend,” he explained. Keeping busy became a way of life for him. Sex became his tranquilizer.
“I’m sick and tired of all the hiding and games,” he admitted. Facing his shame, he walked into a Sex Addicts’ Anonymous meeting and began the journey toward recovery.
CHILDHOOD CONNECTION: LIVING WITH HIGH DRAMA
When a betrayal occurs in a family, powerful emotions are aroused. The home atmosphere is one of intense excitement, which is contagious. The offended parent becomes enraged, depressed and worried. The unfaithful parent becomes guilt-ridden and defensive. Emotions are often buried, simmering beneath the surface of a calm façade and erupting periodically like a fireworks display. The atmosphere around the home is alternatively chilly and heated, but always hostile. No one can anticipate when an outburst will occur or what crazy behavior will follow. The children watch the drama as participants fully engaged in the unfolding tragedy.
As your parents were caught up in their drama, they probably lost themselves in their struggle. Surviving the betrayal, with all the uncertainty it created, consumed an enormous amount of energy. Their lives were falling apart and they had to figure out how to keep it all together. Unfortunately for you as a child, you received the leftovers of their time, energy and attention. Your parents were in a fight for the survival of their emotional well-being, their broken marriage and the disrupted family. They were in a life-or-death struggle, having to decide the future of their marriage and the family. In the midst of this all-consuming struggle, you felt the pain of their emotional absence and longed for the security of the “good old days.”
As a child, you were a helpless participant in the drama that your parents created. You did not choose the stage or write the script. Yet you were forced to assume a role just to survive. That role was determined both by your temperament and the circumstances. If you were so disposed, you may have been caught up in their excitement, thus becoming an excitement junkie. Just to survive the chaos, you embraced it, got used to it and thought of it as normal. In fact, you may have come to enjoy the stimulation, which made you feel alive. The ordinary life most people live came to seem dull and boring. You internalized the drama and came to love the stage with all its demands for performance. Without knowing it, you developed an aversion to ordinary daily routines.
Excitement-seeking and emotional deprivation created fertile ground for developing an addiction later in life. In fact, one or both of your parents may have become addicted to sex, drugs, alcohol, eating or shopping to cope with the chaos and confusion of their lives, providing you with a negative role model. We know that there is a strong genetic component to addictions, which you inherited if either of your parents had an addiction. Consequently, you were prone to develop your own addiction as a way of filling the void of your emotionally-deprived childhood. Chasing the high with alcohol, drugs, gambling, sex or another compulsive behavior provided the burst of stimulation you were accustomed to growing up.
One of the characteristics of addictions is that they tend to come in clusters. People rarely have one addiction, but tend to be addicted to several different substances and engage in a variety of compulsive behaviors. Without knowing it, you return to the familiar drama of your childhood in pursuing the addictive behaviors, creating a chaos you know all too well. But now you are the author of the tragedy you are living.
The intense, unresolved conflicts and fighting in your parents’ marriage made a deep impression on you. You developed a fear of emotional closeness with another person. You learned that you could not depend on anyone else to be there for you. Your drug of choice provides a substitute intimacy in which you imagine you are in control. Your drug is always there for you, giving you the emotional high you need whenever you want. It allows you to escape painful reality when you feel the need. It gives you an intense high that humdrum daily life cannot match. You develop a love affair with your drug of choice, whether it is a chemical or a behavior. Over time, you develop the unshakable belief that you need your drug to be happy.
When you have a love affair with your drug of choice, whatever it happens to be, you withdraw from your intimate relationship. You may not intend to hurt your partner, but the harm is real, both to yourself and your loved one. As the addiction deepens, your life becomes more centered on the pursuit of your drug, leaving your partner on the outside. Your spouse feels the pain of your absence, as much as you try to hide it. And you become increasingly possessed by a sense of shame and guilt. Without knowing it, in excitement-seeking and addictive behavior you distance yourself in your intimate relationship and identify with your unfaithful parent.
What are some of the signs you are prone to seeking excitement and addictive behavior?
AM I ADDICTED TO BEING ADDICTED?
• Am I easily bored?
• Do I crave excitement or seek adventure?
• Do people see me as a charming person?
• Am I dissatisfied with the old, thus constantly seeking the new?
• Am I restless or do I have difficulty sitting still?
• Is my mind always busy planning and preparing for the future?
• Do I have the sense that I can never have enough?
• Do I have an excess of energy?
• Am I a glutton for new experiences?
• Do I like to stay emotionally high?
• Do I like to keep a lot of options open and not settle on one thing?
• Do I tend to avoid conflict in relationships?
• Do I always have backup plans for whatever I am doing?
• Do I have difficulty relaxing?
• Do I have difficulty enjoying the simple pleasures in life?
PATH OF HEALING: LIVING IN THE REAL WORLD
We live in a society that encourages us to seek happiness in all the wrong places. One of the most confusing messages it preaches regards addiction. While condemning those who abuse drugs, modern society promotes values that lead to addictive behavior. As a recipe for happiness, it encourages an “I want it all and I want it now” way of living. We’re told to “live the dream.” But the wholehearted pursuit of that fantasy turns into a nightmare.
Dissect for a moment that statement: “I want it all and I want it now.” It is about “I,” focusing on self-fulfillment above all else, even a loving concern for others, which can only result in isolation and loneliness. It also encourages the uninhibited pursuit of whatever you “want.” What is the “it” of those desires? Physical comfort and ease. You seek pleasure and avoid pain, without consideration for meaning and higher values. The statement promotes the single-minded, self-centered pursuit of “all.” No half measures here. “Accept no limits” can only lead to disappointment and frustration when you have inevitable collisions with reality. Regarding time, it is “now,” with no delays, no waiting and instantaneous results. How is this promise of happiness to be fulfilled in the real world? It can’t be. However, addictive behaviors, which provide a quick fix, satisfy the fantasy.
Addictions are more widespread than you may imagine. Anything you do that you know is harmful, yet cannot stop yourself from doing, possesses an addictive quality. You feel powerless over the behavior. Chemical dependency on alcohol or other drugs falls under this category. Changes in brain chemistry stimulate almost irresistible urges to use the substance. Compulsive behaviors, such as sexual acting out, gambling, shopping and overeating are also experienced as uncontrollable. The strength of habit makes the behavior persistent beyond any useful purpose. Finally, mood states such as anger, worry and sadness and their accompanying negative, self-defeating thinking can be intoxicating. Temperament and emotional programming from childhood govern many of our mood states.
When I meet with people who are addicted, they are inevitably overwhelmed by feelings of shame, guilt and despair. They also feel helpless to control themselves. They may hate themselves for what they are doing but feel powerless to stop it. They have reached the end of their rope, disillusioned by the promised happiness of their addictive behavior. These feelings may not be immediately evident, but they are just below the surface and soon emerge in treatment. I offer them hope that recovery is always possible—no matter how severe the problem—and that facing the addiction can be a path to new life, enlightenment and a freedom never imagined. Addressing addiction requires several steps:
1) ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR SUFFERING.
Recovery begins with honest recognition of the suffering it is causing you and those you care about. Addiction is so powerful that no one gives it up until they believe that the trouble it brings outweighs the benefits. The benefits of the addiction, with its good feelings, pain relief and relaxation, are so enchanting that it is extremely difficult to give up its pleasures. Nothing can replace the intense pleasure of being high. Unfortunately, it often takes a catastrophe for the addicted person to wake up to the trouble it is causing. He may have to be arrested for drunk driving, be divorced by his spouse, lose his job or experience a financial crisis. It may take years for the trouble to accumulate enough to get the addicted person’s attention. The accumulated losses to his well-being may be devastating.
2) RECOGNIZE THE EMPTINESS OF YOUR URGES.
Second, recognize your urges and the patterns of their rise and fall. The urges are really “have to” thoughts about using your drug, engaging in your compulsion or indulging your obsession. Physical discomfort may accompany the idea that it is urgent to act in a particular way. However, the urges come and go and, as you become more acquainted with yourself, you will learn their inner and outer triggers. They often signal underlying distress. Observe carefully when and where the urges arise and grow in intensity. What is the physical sensation? What is your mood at the time? What were you thinking about? Observing your urges carefully, you can learn much about yourself and your vulnerabilities. For example, when you are angry or anxious, you may want to comfort yourself with alcohol, food or pornography. Notice the situations that provoke rage reactions or worry in you. Awareness of your urges and their patterns can be a beneficial avenue of self-awareness, a way of learning about your vulnerabilities. When you learn about your sensitivities and inclinations to escape through your addictive behavior, you can begin to develop alternative ways of responding.
You may mistakenly think that urges express deep physical needs that must be satisfied for you to survive. You think you will die, or something terrible will happen to you, if you do not give in to the urge. That urge may be so powerful that it seems to be a life-or-death matter for you. In reality, your addiction is mainly in your mind. I refer to addictive thoughts as “thought bubbles” to express their emptiness. These thoughts gain power over you to the extent that you give them importance. You cannot control the rise and fall of these urges. However, you have control over how much weight you give them.
3) ACCEPT, DON’T ACT ON THE URGES.
Third, accept the urges for what they are, mere thoughts, and do not act on them. You do not have to fight them or try to control them. Just let them be. It may seem that they are so intense and so long-lasting that they will not pass. They always do, if you are patient enough with yourself to ride the wave. Most of all, resist the temptation to act on the urges. You cannot control their coming and going. It is futile to try. The effort to stop them will only lead to frustration and a sense of defeat. Whether you believe it or not, while you have no control over the urges, you do have control over your behavior. As enslaved as you feel, you are still free to choose how to act.
4) KNOW YOUR OWN MIND.
Fourth, become acquainted with both your addictive and rational minds. I see addiction as primarily a disease of the mind. The word “addiction” comes from the same root word as “dictator.” Distorted thoughts rule the mind. If you discover you have an addiction to a chemical, a behavior or a mood, recovery proceeds by becoming acquainted with your addictive way of thinking and awakening your rational mind. You may hear echoes of your own addictive thinking in the following statements:
“I can stop using my drug (or doing the compulsive behavior or indulging my mood) any time I want.” When you are trapped in an addiction, hanging on for dear life, you are usually the last person to acknowledge your problem. Those who know you and love you realize long before you do that you are in trouble and need help. You rationalize your behavior, deny any problem and blame others for being the cause of your misery. You may even try to prove to others and yourself that you can control it with brief periods of abstinence (during Lent, for example).
The truth is that in trying so desperately to control your mood with your drug of choice, you have lost control of yourself. It is not the drug but your desire for it that possesses you. Your greed for the pleasure the drug or compulsive behavior offers rules you. You are attached to the familiarity of the mood state. The primary symptom of any addiction is loss of control over your desires. You continue the behavior despite all the problems it causes you and those you love.
“I can’t stop using my drug (or doing the compulsive behavior or indulging my mood).” Once you acknowledge your addiction, you may feel helpless and think you have no control over your behavior. The truth is you may not care to stop, for good reason. You experience great benefits from getting high. The benefits for you are so great that you overlook the problems the addiction is causing. So why stop? You will only stop when you look realistically at what your addiction is doing to you and your loved ones. Your rational mind possesses more power than you imagine. Listen to it and act on it.
“I can’t stand the pain, and my drug gives me relief.” Many use drugs or repetitive behaviors to self-medicate pain they believe is intolerable. Again, you only imagine your lack of strength to endure pain and have a false belief that only your drug can provide you with adequate relief. Listening to your rational mind will give you another story. First of all, pain and suffering are an inevitable part of life. Second, pain serves a useful purpose. It alerts you to a problem. Imagine what our lives would be like if we never experienced physical pain. You may immediately think that would be paradise. But think again. If you injured yourself, like putting your hand on a hot stove, and never felt the pain, you would continue the harmful behavior. Eventually, you would suffer irreparable damage. Pain, both physical and emotional, alerts you to danger and serves a survival purpose. Your rational mind tells you to pay attention to what is causing you pain and do something about it. Instead of covering up the pain, it makes more sense to understand what is causing it and then take action to find lasting relief. Finally, you realize that drugs are not the only way to cope with pain. Addressing the cause of the pain is much more effective. In fact, the more you rely on your drug of choice, the less you develop your own internal resources to solve problems and cope with life’s inevitable difficulties.
“I can’t fight the urges to use my drug, to indulge my compulsive behavior or moods. They’re too strong and irresistible.” The addictive mind is ruled by the word “can’t.” You believe you are powerless to resist urges, which are just passing thoughts. You imagine you will suffer extreme discomfort or even die if you do not give in to your urges. The reality is that the urges are just thoughts that come and go. You cannot control your thoughts and feelings because they just flow from some deep, hidden source. However, it is you who decides what importance to give those thoughts and feelings. And you do have control over your behavior. Recovery involves becoming more aware of these urgent thoughts, noticing how they arise and disappear, realizing what triggers them and learning to let them pass without acting on them.
“I’m impatient and always need a quick fix.” The more you turn to your drug of choice or preferred compulsive behavior to cope with the trials and tribulations of life, the weaker you become. As your tolerance for suffering decreases, time takes on a different meaning. You want everything and you want it now. You want immediate gratification in whatever you do and begin losing the capacity to delay pleasure for future gain. In the fantasy life you are creating for yourself, you hope to achieve whatever you want quickly, easily and with little effort. You expect that you can have complete control over your life and your experience. You can make a painful world disappear magically by indulging in your addiction.
“Nothing compares to the high I get from my drug.” That’s true. Drugs activate deep pleasure centers in the brain, making their use seem irresistible. The more you indulge in your addictive behavior, the more self-centered you become in focusing on the pursuit of your own pleasure to the neglect of your responsibilities and care for others. You become more childlike in the pursuit of pleasure and fun. You always want more and are never satisfied with what you have in the moment. But eventually, your drug provides you with brief moments of excitement that are never enough and long periods of pain. And you begin to lose the capacity to enjoy the simple pleasures in life like a walk in the park, because nothing can compare with the rush of the high.
“I am worthless, and no one will love me.” All addictions arise from suffering, an attempt to cope with the harsh realities of life. The addicted come to think of themselves as losers in life and use their drug, behavior or mood of choice to comfort themselves. Their sense of worthlessness and loneliness reinforces their tendency to find relief and happiness in addictive behavior. However, your low opinion of yourself, often disguised behind an arrogant façade, is really an invention of your mind used in the service of your self-defeating activities. It is just another thought and not a fact. The truth is that you think less of yourself as a result of indulging in your addictive behavior. You do not like how it controls you, leads to embarrassing, harmful actions and violates your moral standards. The more you lose yourself in the addiction, the more you distance yourself from others and push them away. Your addiction causes a sense of worthlessness and loneliness.
ASSUMPTIONS OF THE ADDICTIVE MIND
1) Life should be easy.
2) Seek pleasure and avoid pain at all costs.
3) You can have it all and have it now.
4) You cannot count on anyone else to meet your needs.
5) You are worthless and alone.
6) Rely solely on yourself.
7) Only your drug can bring you happiness.
5) JOIN A SUPPORT GROUP.
Finally, seek the fellowship of others who are suffering like you. Addictions are too powerful to face alone. The path to healing involves a clear awareness of your distorted beliefs and thinking and a commitment to change your behavior. You will also need the support and guidance of others who are well acquainted with the addictive mind, such as the twelve-step fellowships, which address the full range of addictions. These groups provide a mirror for you to see yourself and your thinking realistically. Alcoholics Anonymous, which offers expert practical advice, teaches an acronym to guide recovery. The acronym is SOBER, which stands for “Son of a B****, everything is real.” Recovery involves surrendering the magical thinking and choosing to live in the real world, which provides satisfaction that lasts a lifetime.
PATH TO HEALING THROUGH ADDICTIONS
1) Acknowledge your suffering.
2) Recognize urges as passing thoughts.
3) Don’t act on the urges.
4) Investigate your addictive and rational minds.
5) Join a support group.
Facing your excitement-seeking and addictive behavior with compassion may open your heart to understanding your parent’s compulsion to be unfaithful. Recognizing your own emptiness may help you appreciate the emptiness that drove your parent. Eventually, your understanding will open the door to forgiveness.
EXERCISE: FOLLOWING YOUR BREATH AND THOUGHTS
We live in a culture that is dominated by noise, greed and speed. “I want it all and I want it now” is our mantra. Such expectations provide a basis for the urge to seek excitement at all costs, even to the loss of ourselves. In turn, the endless pursuit of stimulation leads to addictive behaviors. The prevalence of various addictions testifies to the powerful influence of our driven culture and the need for an alternative.
I offer guidance in the midst of the turmoil: learn to sit down, shut up and pay attention. As a regular practice I encourage exercises which are called “following your breath” and “mental noting.”
First of all, sit down. You may think you are so busy with so many projects that you have no time to sit down. If you are honest with yourself, you may discover that you are really too restless to stop your constant activities. Stopping makes you feel uncomfortable. Your mind races, unpleasant thoughts and feelings arise and you feel like jumping out of your skin. I encourage you to resist the impulse to keep running and sit still for a few moments each day. Just sit there with nothing to do. Find a comfortable, quiet place. Sit in a chair with your back straight and your feet firmly planted on the floor. Feel yourself settling into the chair and becoming still in your body. Close your eyes to remove any distractions and breathe deeply. Feel your body unwinding as you breathe consciously and deeply from the pit of your stomach.
Next, while sitting there doing nothing, shut up. It is hard enough to quiet your body; now allow your mind to quiet. Be aware of all the internal chatter that Eastern meditators refer to as the “wild monkey mind.” Just notice all the frenetic activity of your mind, the chaos of disorganized thinking. For a few moments, try not to run away with your thoughts in a million directions. Instead, feel like you are stepping back to observe the colorful parade of thoughts, feelings and sensations that seem to arise from nowhere and disappear like mist in sunlight. Notice how the thoughts, feelings and sensations come and go as if they had a mind of their own. Just observe their passing and do not hang onto them. Instead of chasing after your thoughts, focus on your breath, on the slow rhythm of inhaling and exhaling. Your breathing, which keeps you alive, is so automatic that you usually do not even notice it. Now pay close attention to your breath. As thoughts, feelings and sensations arise to distract you, gently let them pass and return your attention to your breathing. You may be surprised how difficult it is to focus on one thing, like your breath, but persevere. As you relax while breathing, calmness will slowly fill your mind and body. It will not happen immediately, but with practice the calmness will deepen.
Once you are still and quiet for several minutes, you can begin to pay closer attention to what arises within your consciousness. Shift from focusing on your breath, which helped to calm you, to noticing the activity of your mind as an observer. Sit back and watch. What do you see? You likely notice subtle thoughts, feelings and sensations that arise from deep within you, from some unknown source. You may be amazed at the variety and confusion of your mental activity. You may also notice how you spontaneously try to organize and make sense of the thoughts, feelings and sensations. You formulate stories in your head. You may begin to recognize patterns in the stories, which you take as firm beliefs about your reality. The stories may clash and contradict each other. Just notice them without analyzing anything, because your analyzing is just another series of thoughts about your thoughts.
This daily exercise in following your breath and mental noting is a way of becoming acquainted with yourself. Perform this practice for twenty minutes each day and see how relaxed you can become and what you learn about yourself. I suspect you will discover that you are infinitely more than just your thoughts and feelings about yourself and your world.
