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INTRODUCTION

Ryan sat on the top step, listening from the depths of his soul. He had never been so still, so focused, in his short eleven years of life. Awakening him from a sound, dreamless sleep, his parents’ angry shouting and the crash of a broken dish had startled him but hearing his parents arguing grabbed his full attention. He lay awake in bed, afraid to move. Initially, fear gripped him as he was jolted from the comfort of sleep. Then, curiosity: “What’s going on downstairs? What are Mom and Dad arguing about?” he wondered. The blood pulsed through his head to the rhythm of the familiar sound of their shouting. Ryan’s mind raced with fearful thoughts: “Are they going to divorce? Is Daddy going to hurt Mommy? What will happen to me? Who will take care of me?”

Torn between fear and curiosity, Ryan argued with himself about whether to remain in the safety of his bed or get up and venture into the unknown. Finally, he decided he had to know. He crawled slowly out of bed and tiptoed to the landing at the top of the stairs. The light from downstairs seeped up into the darkness of the second floor. Ryan sat in shadows. He could not see his parents around the corner in the kitchen but he could hear the noise of their fighting. He could feel the intensity of their feelings, the rage that was spewing forth from both his parents. The fury he heard transfixed him to that spot, warning him to go no further.

So he simply listened, his mind in utter confusion. His racing thoughts and their fervent yelling prevented him from hearing exactly what they were saying. Perched on the top step with his elbows on his knees, head in his hands, he focused his attention and listened. First he discerned isolated words, swear words he was forbidden to speak and fragments like “another woman, betrayal.” The words slowly took the shape of sentences in his confused mind. Then suddenly, the startling idea, Dad was seeing another woman, and Mom could not stand it. Ryan didn’t know what that meant but he knew it was not right by the intensity of their arguing and what he had learned in Catholic school about marriage for life.

As Ryan sat there alone, lost in his perplexed thoughts, his mother bolted out of the kitchen to run upstairs, tears streaming down her cheeks. When she raised her head, her eyes met Ryan’s. In that instant, he sensed she wanted to hide as badly as he did. He wished he were invisible, because he had witnessed what he sensed no child should ever have to see and hear. At some level, he felt the life he knew falling apart. He was being cast into a dark, scary future. His mother’s expression instantly transformed from tearful rage to fear and sadness. She was exposed. Ryan felt as startled as she did for being an intruder in his parent’s nightmare. Frozen with shame and embarrassment, his mother said softly, “Ryan, you need to get back to bed.”

Imagine the impact of that bombshell on Ryan’s fragile, preadolescent psyche. He returned to bed, his mind whirling with disturbing thoughts and his sense of safety lost forever. Perhaps his parents tried to explain their argument to him the next day, as they sorted out the confusion and madness of their own lives. Or maybe they pretended it never happened, to spare Ryan the pain and suffering, imagining that if they ignored it he would forget about it.

But he never will. His parents will continue to argue about the affair, but will be more discreet so Ryan will not be exposed to their bitter arguing. Nevertheless, he will feel the tension in the home. His parents may eventually work out their problem, deciding either to divorce or stay together. However, the explosion of that night and the events that followed will be etched permanently on Ryan’s young, impressionable brain. He will live through the rubble of his parents’ ruined marriage for the rest of his life. How will this childhood experience affect his future?

Working with individuals and couples for the past thirty-five years, I have observed the frequency of infidelity in marriages and its impact. Current research indicates that nearly 40 percent of men and 20 percent of women have had affairs while married.¹ Witnessing the pain and sorrow these couples experienced as a result of the betrayal and the long process of healing, I have come to believe that spouses who discover their partner’s betrayal are deeply wounded and often experience symptoms similar to post-traumatic stress disorder. They experience the betrayal as a life-threatening event, a threat to destroy their marriage and their own mental well-being. Like those traumatized by war, they alternate between feeling numb and being overwhelmed by feelings of loss, rage and fear. They become anxious and hyper-vigilant, waiting for the next bombshell discovery. Their sleep is often disturbed by nightmares and their daytime tranquility interrupted by flashbacks. They live in terror as their familiar life and their images of their spouses and themselves crumble before their eyes, destroying any sense of security they found in the relationship. They no longer trust their spouses or themselves. And they are filled with a nearly all-consuming rage.

I described the traumatizing effects of infidelity and the process of healing in my book Transcending Post-Infidelity Stress Disorder: The Six Stages of Healing, using the acronym PISD (pronounced “pissed”) to indicate the rage that all the betrayed experience.

Counseling with these distressed couples, I have been surprised to learn that most of them, though not all, had parents who were unfaithful. They seemed to carry a cheating gene. They were the victims of their parents’ infidelity and often had only vague memories of it, if they remembered it at all, and little insight into the impact it had on their own marital life. I came to believe that, just as spouses are traumatized by the discovery of their partner’s infidelity, the children who witness their parents’ distress are similarly traumatized. Like their parents, they suffer a form of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), the impact of which often becomes evident years later as they attempt to engage in intimate relationships. The time bomb of discovering their parent’s infidelity often does not explode until years later, when confusion, fear, rage and infidelity emerge in their own relationships and when they become parents themselves.

The pain and sorrow that infidelity causes in relationships is highlighted in the popular press, news media and professional journals. What is not so clearly seen are the other invisible casualties, the children who witness the chaos caused by their parents’ unfaithful behavior and the troubled adults they often become. These children are the walking wounded who may appear to function normally for years. But sooner or later, cracks appear in the armor and they are flooded with overwhelming feelings, the origin of which escapes them. They get in relationships or find themselves always angry and argumentative with their partners. They become excessively attached, longing for closeness, losing themselves in their relationships. Or they become aloof and detached. They marry those who betray them or they become irresistibly drawn to others outside their committed relationships. When they become parents, they feel confused about what is normal in parenting and inadequate to respond to their children’s needs.

For many years I have also worked with families caught in the web of addiction. I observed that growing up in an alcoholic family has a lasting effect on children as they grow into adulthood. Their views of themselves and relationships are inevitably shaped by the experience of the out-of-control drinking of their parents, along with the denial, hiding and open conflicts. These children grow up not allowing themselves to feel or express themselves openly, not talking about what really matters in their lives, and not trusting themselves or others. They have been described in literature and popular press as a group with identifiable characteristics called adult children of alcoholic parents.

I have begun to observe that children raised in homes in which one or both parents were unfaithful develop similar characteristics, not unlike those raised by alcoholic parents. Just as alcohol and its effects become the central focus when parents drink uncontrollably, the betrayal of the parent dominates the household when infidelity occurs. Parents become trapped in a web of deceit and mistrust. Fighting breaks out and the sense of safety is lost. Preoccupied with their own problems, they have little time or energy to pay proper attention to their children. The house becomes filled with shame, which the children absorb like sponges. And the shame follows these children into adulthood, infecting all their relationships, especially with their partners and their children. Furthermore, just as children of alcoholic parents are genetically predisposed to abuse alcohol, it appears that children of unfaithful parents are predestined to follow in their footsteps. Here are some characteristics I have observed in adult children of unfaithful parents:

• They are confused about what is normal behavior in relationships and parenting.

• They have difficulty creating and maintaining boundaries.

• They lack self-confidence in their ability to resolve conflicts in relationships and in the family.

• They either provoke confrontations or avoid them at all costs.

• They have difficulty trusting themselves and others.

• They are either over-controlled or under-controlled in expressing anger.

• They are confused about their sexuality and its appropriate expression.

• They are hyper-vigilant about being betrayed or lied to.

• They are extremely loyal or disloyal in relationships.

• They lie for no apparent reason.

• They feel anxious when not in control of a situation.

• They feel the need to be perfect and are fearful of being abandoned if they are not.

• They judge themselves harshly, holding unrealistic standards.

• They struggle to know and express clearly what they want.

SURVIVAL PATTERNS

As a psychologist, I spend my days listening to my clients tell stories about themselves, their lives and their relationships. Even though my clients express common concerns, their experiences and stories are unique, displaying an endless variety. I marvel at their ingenuity in finding ways to survive in the most adverse circumstances, in pursuing the loftiest goals and in making a mess of their lives through self-defeating behavior. Listening carefully, however, I can discern repeating patterns and themes.

Make no mistake about it. When parents are unfaithful, their children suffer. The effects may be hidden for many years, but they will eventually emerge as these young people engage in intimate relationships and parent their own children.

At the risk of oversimplifying, in this book I will describe some relationship patterns and parenting styles I have observed in adult children of unfaithful parents. Those traumatized cope with the pain by alternating between numbing themselves and reliving the trauma, flooded with memories and feelings of anger, anxiety and depression. Children raised in families torn apart by infidelity grow up to relive their childhood traumas by either identifying with the aggressor, becoming unfaithful themselves or identifying with the victim by marrying an unfaithful partner. Amazingly, despite their protests that they will never repeat what their parents did, as if they were genetically fated, adult children tend to become unfaithful or marry someone who cheats on them. A third group numbs themselves to their needs for intimacy, avoiding closeness and commitment in their relationships. They fear recreating the pain and confusion of their parents’ marriage by becoming either cheaters or victims themselves.

The way adult children of unfaithful parents care for their own children has been deeply affected by their experience with their parents. Their parents were often overwhelmed trying to cope with the wreckage of their marriage and had little left for the children. The children often felt neglected, ashamed of their parents’ behavior and confused about what is true and normal. To cope with the uncertainty and hurt feelings, these adult children often became controlling, overly-involved or disengaged parents. They lost a sense of balance in their parenting that mirrored the distorted care they received.

Under stress, like the animals from which we evolved, we instinctively respond in three ways: We fight, freeze or flee. Those who fight move against others in their relationships. This grouping of adult children identifies with their unfaithful parents. They tend to betray their partners by having affairs, becoming over-involved in work or developing addictions. In the first three chapters of the book, I will describe these personality types, what family experiences shaped them and a path to healing with an exercise. Those who freeze move toward others in their relationships, but become locked in their roles as victims, caretakers or perfectionists. They identify with their victimized parents. I will describe their relationship patterns, their origins in childhood and their healing paths in chapters four, five and six. Finally, those who flee move away from intimacy and commitment, losing themselves in their personal interests, fantasies and moods. Chapters seven, eight and nine describe the dynamics and recovery of these personality types. In each type, a symptom of PTSD, either reliving or blocking the trauma, becomes exaggerated.

PATTERNS IN INTIMATE RELATIONSHIPS

1) The Betrayer Group

2) The Victim Group

3) The Avoidant Group

The second portion of the book addresses the differing parenting styles I have observed in adult children of unfaithful parents. Some tend to fight for control over their children. Others cling to their children, becoming emotionally enmeshed with them. Still others disengage emotionally, fleeing intimacy. Chapters ten, eleven and twelve will address how these styles developed, with a path to healing and an exercise. The next two chapters will address the parenting challenges of the offending and offended parents and how to help their children through their crises. I conclude with suggestions on how to approach your children if your marriage is injured by unfaithfulness.

PATTERNS IN PARENTING STYLES

1) The Controlling Style

2) The Enmeshed Style

3) The Disengaged Style

Coincidentally, the nine typical relationship patterns I observed parallel the nine character types of the Enneagram, an ancient Middle Eastern guide to inner transformation updated by modern psychologists. In the Enneagram system, the personality is formed at an early age around a fault which is a compensation for the childhood experience of helplessness and loss. The faults, embraced with wisdom, become fertile ground for the growth of our unique strengths and virtues.²

I was a Catholic priest for fourteen years and have been a psychologist in private practice for twenty years. In my work I have attempted to integrate the wisdom of western psychology with spiritual traditions from both West and East. My spirituality gives me immeasurable hope when working with my clients. I believe in the possibility of transforming any unfavorable circumstance into a path to enlightenment and freedom. Working with couples traumatized by affairs, I have witnessed over and over that the infidelity can be a wake-up call in many troubled marriages. It can be a moment of crisis, an opportunity to work through long-buried problems and reach a higher level of intimacy and trust.

Such growth, however, can occur only through the power of forgiveness, a forgiveness that is authentic and does not hide from pain, anger and confusion. Furthermore, I learned that the path of healing for these adults who were traumatized as children was again through the power of forgiveness. Not only must they forgive their unfaithful spouses to recover, they must also forgive their unfaithful parents who provided such poor role models for them. Forgiveness entails the release of both anger toward them and the desire for revenge. It occurs over time, with a willingness to embrace painful feelings and understand themselves and their parents. In the end, forgiveness happens as the wounds heal, setting them free to love openly and fully.

My message is one of hope for those who feel lost. You can be healed through the power of forgiveness.

This book is written for those who have been unfaithful, have been betrayed or are considering affairs. It is also a healing guide for adult children whose parents had affairs. If you have been unfaithful, this book may help you understand the impact of your behavior on your children and seek ways of reconciling with them and facilitating their healing. Making amends will also help you in your recovery and in resolving your guilt.

For those who have been betrayed, you will become more aware of how your children also share your pain. Having compassion for their suffering, you will assist them in working through their trauma as you work through yours.

If you are considering embarking on an affair, I implore you to stop and think clearly about the consequences, especially for your children. Your urge to reach out to another outside the bounds of your marriage is a clear indication that something is awry in your marital relationship. Now is the time to address the problem before your desire to escape through an affair seems irresistible. Spare your children the trauma of your betrayal. Without a doubt, they will feel betrayed if you break your marital bond.

For adults who have come to realize the infidelity of your parents and its impact on your current relationship, this book can aid you in healing the deep wound of betrayal. You can be freed from the bonds of betrayal through the power of forgiveness.

Finally, if you are a concerned relative or a friend who is witnessing the destructiveness of a loved one’s infidelity, I hope you will find the information in this book useful. It can help you understand more fully the damage inflicted on the children and give you knowledge with which to confront the guilty party.

Use this book in any way that you deem helpful. You may read it cover to cover to see what pattern seems to fit your life and hopefully gain some insight into yourself and ways you can heal and become a better parent. You may focus on a chapter that speaks to your life situation. Or you may choose any of the suggested exercises that open your mind and heart. Most of the exercises come from Eastern spiritual traditions that overlap with and deepen Western psychological practices. There are as many paths to healing as there are individuals who desire fuller lives.