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Chapter 4

The Vigilant Victim—Shrinking from Life

Marlene, a dark-haired beauty, came to therapy obsessing that Robert, her husband of eight years, was having an affair. The year before, while on vacation, she noticed that he paid a lot of attention to her longtime girlfriend. She confronted him angrily and he denied it vehemently. Not reassured, she could not get it out of her mind that something was going on between her husband and her best friend. She could not sleep at night, because thoughts of being betrayed whirled through her head. She had frequent nightmares of Robert in the arms of her friend. Her suspicions never left. She constantly checked his phone records and whereabouts, monitoring his schedule like a hawk. Marlene even hired a detective to follow her husband, but he reported nothing out of the ordinary. Therapy was her last resort. She lamented, “I just know my husband is having an affair, but can’t prove it—yet. I’m going out of my mind.” Despite being so tormented and convinced of his infidelity, Marlene did not want a divorce, protesting, “Then the other woman would win.”

When Marlene met Robert, their attraction was instantaneous. Marlene had endured a bitter divorce and was frightened to date until a friend introduced her to Robert. He was a calm, down-to-earth, stable man who worked hard, unlike her wild, irresponsible, abusive first husband. She saw Robert as her “knight in shining white armor” who would rescue her from all the pain of her failed relationships. She admired his strength, calm demeanor and ambitious pursuit of his goals, qualities she saw lacking in herself. Marlene, a high-strung woman, reacted intensely to any disappointments and rarely followed through with projects or jobs. She had worked as a waitress at several different restaurants and in child care. But some dispute always ended her employment, because, she claimed, “You can’t trust anyone.” Her one lifelong passion, however, was rescuing animals that had been mistreated by their owners. She claimed, “I can see myself in those poor creatures.” In contrast to Marlene’s flaky work ethic, Robert persevered at whatever was important to him and he earned a good living.

After dating only a few months, Marlene and Robert moved in together. The romance continued and they soon married. Marlene was happier than she had ever been. She felt loved and secure. Robert worked long, hard hours at his job as a sales manager, but knowing Marlene’s sensitivity, he called her often. Marlene admired his work ethic, but the long hours began to bother her more and more. She felt lonely and insisted he take more and more time off from his job to be with her. He declined, saying, “Honey, we have so many bills and I want the best for us.” Her pouting led to arguing. The arguing led to Robert withdrawing more. His withdrawing led to Marlene feeling more lonely and neglected. And the seeds of suspicion were planted: I wonder if he loves someone else.

Marlene began having nightmares that featured Robert transformed into her ex-husband. Robert’s absence provoked flashbacks of her ex-husband being with another woman. She was flooded with dread, worry and anger. Before they were married, Marlene hardly knew her first husband, Bradley. The families had arranged for them to meet and eventually marry. Marlene, who had little dating experience, just followed her parents’ program for her. Little did she know the nightmare she had entered by marrying Bradley. He expected to be the master of the house and for Marlene to be his slave. He was part owner of a family clothing store and came and went as he pleased, expecting Marlene to stay home. She felt like a prisoner. When she protested, Bradley beat her. As the beatings and threats continued, Marlene withdrew into her own miserable world of depression. She heard through the grapevine that Bradley was seeing other women and felt humiliated. When she dared confront him, he beat her. Finally, Bradley decided, after five brutal years of marriage, to leave Marlene for another woman. Marlene felt relieved, yet also lost and terrified about her future. Until she met Robert.