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THE PHOTO-OP

Now may be the time to have your photo taken … before you’re really immersed in rejection slips. When your work is accepted by a publisher, the house will want a photo to put on the cover of your book. And you are not going to look any younger before you find a publisher. Appearing haggard or dissipated can be offensive, especially to someone shopping for a children’s book.

No, the snapshot that a friend took of you last summer molesting a beach ball may not be suitable if your book is a serious novel. It may be prudent to book a professional photographer who has the skill to personalize the bags under your eyes. It’s an expense, true, but tax deductible should your book get published in your lifetime.

Do not get a publicity photo of yourself holding your own chin. Go the whole hog: get a shave. Also, forget the pipe. Even if you actually smoke one, ma’am. And no gazing off toward a brighter horizon. It may have worked for Aldous Huxley, but yours will be a mug shot better suited for the most-wanted list.

Also, remember that studio photo sessions go on for so long, holding rigid body positions, that your eyes — as recorded in the final shot — will show the loss of the will to live. In fact, the only author known to have survived the ordeal without a permanent spastic twitch was Winston Churchill, who had taken the precaution of drinking heavily beforehand. Woody Allen, in his studio photos, appears totally suicidal. This is quite fitting, as humour writers (i.e., Robert Benchley, Groucho Marx, George Burns, et al.) have all had the bearing of a Muse that isn’t amused.