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Chapter 3

Developmentally Speaking: Men in Their Twenties and Thirties

I’m into older men now. No more guys in their twenties, it’s too much work. I won’t consider a man unless he’s at least thirty!

Justine (age 50)

It is said that age matters less to a couple the older you both are. This is true. The age difference is not so significant when you are fifty-nine and he is forty-six, or if you are fifty and he is thirty-nine. It’s quite another story, however, if you are thirty-seven and he is twenty-three. The maturation process for men from their twenties through their thirties is substantial. Personalities, values and codes of conduct are fairly well solidified by the late thirties to early forties. If your younger man is over thirty-five, you have a much better chance of knowing what you are getting in your partner.

The Early Twenties

A young man in his twenties is still largely in a developmental stage. He may adore you and want to be with you, but still need to go through the turbulent phase of checking out his new independence. If you have the fortitude to be patient and the desire to play this one out, it can be very rewarding. However, we only recommend it for the most emotionally secure woman. This is an experience best suited to a woman who is fully invested in her own life, separate and apart from her young man. It requires someone who has a strong identity, a firm sense of self and great flexibility. Control is not an option here. An open hand and an understanding heart are basic requirements for the woman who becomes involved with a very young man.

Young men in their twenties get confused. They want you—then they aren’t sure. The roller coaster can be a nightmare if you are too sensitive and too emotionally involved and invested in a particular outcome. Love a very young man with a degree of detachment. Love him completely—just don’t lose yourself in the process (good advice for anyone in a relationship, but particularly crucial in this situation).

Don’t listen so precisely to his words. Since young men aren’t always sure of their feelings, you can be run ragged with their ups and downs if you take them literally all the time. Men in their twenties are still figuring the whole thing out—they are still integrating and learning how to connect the appropriate words with which to describe their feelings.

You know in your heart if your young man loves you. If he is sincerely making an effort to learn about you—who you are inside and what you need from him—you may receive the great gift of being his first venture into true intimacy. You have an important role here. Your behavior acts as a mold for how he will see women and relationships in general for the rest of his life. You have the honor—as well as the responsibility—of being his first real love.

His early twenties are the most difficult years to be involved with a younger man. If you are in that position, you have our blessings as well as our sympathy. Expect a bumpy ride, but not because of you or your involvement in his life. In fact, you may be the only stability he has right now. The problem is him. Everything is new—perhaps school, perhaps his first serious (or full-time) job plus the demands of making important life decisions. It’s all new input for which he has had no prior programming. He is just beginning to piece together this new puzzle called “Life.”

Andy was twenty-two when we met. I was forty. He was at a time in his life when everything was in turmoil. He didn’t have a great job, he was still in school part-time—he really didn’t know what he wanted.

I have a couple that I’m close to (both the husband and wife). He is seventeen years older than she is. He kept telling me, “If you can make it through the first five years, you’ll make it.” He was so great to talk to…he’d been there. We’d compare notes. It was all the same stuff. The twenties are just really tough years for many people and it’s rough if you’re with them.

Deborah (age 42)

He was so young—twenty at the time. What a mess. I mean, he was a bit of a mess, you know. He was fun and open to lots of things, but it was really hard in the beginning. He didn’t know what he wanted. He was up and down a lot. There were lots of problems because here he was trying to have a mature relationship with me and he was still just a kid inside.

Suzanne (age 35)

There is, however, a huge upside to this pendulum. The fun, adventure and playfulness can re-ignite a long extinguished element within an older woman. She has the opportunity to see, close up, the world through fresh eyes. She gets to experience wonder—to take pleasure in simple things that long ago may have been forfeited for the sake of duty and responsibility. There can be a sense of untamed joy. Her young man is devouring life whole—inhaling each new experience. This provides a high voltage charge that can jump-start a woman’s otherwise very orderly, settled and structured life.

The Mid-Twenties

By the time a young man is well into his mid to late twenties, things begin to even out. He’s had a taste of the adult world and gotten some much needed life experience under his belt. He may already have had a serious relationship or two, which makes your job a lot easier. You no longer have to explain the basic rules of grown-up behavior in a partnership. You are now free to expand your worlds together. He probably has a foothold in his career and is beginning to get on his feet financially. The constant inner angst of the early twenties is over and he has a clearer idea of who he is in the world and who he can be with you.

I met Darryl through mutual friends in the early 90s. He was bright, charming, talkative and looked like he was in his early thirties. When he told me he was at Rutgers College, I assumed he was a teacher. I nearly died when I found out he was a student. He was twenty. Our relationship only lasted six months. We loved each other, but it was just too weird hanging out with his college friends. He was too young and confused to maintain a solid relationship, so I broke it off. I ran into him seven years later, and he was an entirely different person. He was grounded, clear and had a great job. We saw each other on weekends and then decided we wanted it to be more serious. It’s amazing to me to see who he is now—the seven years made all the difference in the world.

Claudia (age 42)

The Thirties

When a man has reached his thirties, he’s probably well on his way to becoming the kind of person he wants to be. His goals are set and many may already have been reached. He is more structured, confident and secure. He has a stronger sense of identity and can view you as an equal, albeit his goddess.

Developmental Overview

If you find yourself involved with a man who is in the earlier developmental stages, you should be conscious of being the essence of “woman” in his life, not “mommy.” You are not there to teach him life’s lessons nor to shelter him from his own experiences. Allow him to make his own decisions and support his choices when you believe in them. Don’t do his job for him. Let him grow on his own without your constant advice and guidance. He will love you even more for it. Provide him with a sense of safety and security through emotional support and love—not money or opportunities you provide for him. Men love to achieve their goals on their own. They need to know that they can do it themselves—rather than have you do it for them. Stand next to him; don’t be the wind at his back. He will be able to see you as a true partner in this way and you will have all of your energy to continue to build your own life for yourself.

Two things you’ll need in ample quantity when loving a very young man are patience and humor.

Patience: What seems like a mountain to him is a molehill to you. While he is still at the point of gathering information with which to meet his day-to-day challenges, you have gained knowledge, which, through your additional years of life experience, has been transformed into wisdom. His battles may seem laughable to you—you’ve been there, done that and come through on the other side. It may require the patience of a saint to listen to him complain about these little obstacles—but remember, you are a goddess. This is a piece of cake for you.

Humor: There may be times when you step back, look at the situation (you, involved with this really YOUNG man) and just laugh. Yes, that’s you in the middle of all this. You may own fur coats, stiletto heels and designer jewelry, but here you are, in heat over a guy in sweatpants, sneakers and a baseball cap. Keep a light heart and refrain from self-scrutiny. There’s nothing wrong with you—you’ve simply entered a time warp of sorts. As you view yourself from this angle, take a deep breath and relax. It’s an adventure and you are one of the first courageous pioneers crossing this terrain. You may not do it perfectly and you’ll have your moments of doubt and uncertainty. That’s okay. At least you’ve reached out for a chance to grow, a chance to learn and a chance to love. You are in the midst of a quiet revolution—an internal awakening to something new and untried. You are doing what you haven’t done before and reaping the benefits of a new life that is truly of your making and design and one that suits you at this point in your life. Bravo! You are your own woman.