Читать книгу Older Women, Younger Men - Felicia Brings - Страница 14
ОглавлениеHe actually appreciated me less, the more I gave to him.
Caroline (age 45)
Who pays? The answer is very simple: NOT YOU. That is, not unless all you want with him is a brief fling or you really need to reduce your assets for tax purposes.
We’ve seen it over and over again and it just never works. I have more money, after all, the older woman thinks; what harm can there be in buying him that little trinket? In some basic ways, as progressive as we’ve otherwise become in designing our lifestyles, some things never change. Despite the fact that there may well be a financial disparity between you and your younger man, we caution you to treat him like any other man who is interested in you. Would you split a check? Then do it, but if not, don’t, and never make the finances your sole responsibility. Even if he can’t come up to your level in terms of fine restaurants, clubs, drinks or pricey haunts, accept what he is able to provide with grace. Do not run out and buy him expensive gifts and jewelry. You will appear (even to him) to be buying him.
When your younger man buys you something, no matter how small, be sensitive, be gracious and accept his gift with appreciation.
I was dumbfounded. For weeks before my birthday, Joel was all excited about the present he’d gotten for me. He couldn’t wait to give it to me, saying he knew how much I’d love it, how perfect it was for me, etc. At one point, he actually told me that it was something for which I’d remember him for the rest of my life. You can imagine my anticipation. I knew that he had very, very little money so I wasn’t expecting a diamond tennis bracelet or anything like that, but God, what could it be (especially on his profoundly limited budget)? Finally, the day arrived and I got to open my present, the one for which I’d remember him the rest of my life. Are you ready? It was a box of low-fat protein bars! I didn’t know whether to cry, laugh or punch him. At first, I thought it was one of those gag gifts and that my real present would appear next. Wrong. This was my birthday present. We had met at the gym and were both into weight lifting and often talked about the nutritional needs of body builders and things like that, but A BOX OF PROTEIN BARS!!! So I thanked him (what else was I going to do?) and realized that I was dealing with not only a limited budget, but a seriously limited imagination, too. He was a really sweet, caring guy, so I forgave him. I still get a kick out of telling this story.
Marla (age 55)
Maybe your ex-husband bought you a ten-carat diamond for your anniversary and maybe all this young man can afford is a semiprecious stone or a bouquet of flowers. If he spent time and energy to get them, remember that it is an act of love and respect what that means to him.
Allow him the dignity of being a man when he wants to pay—even if that means dinner in a diner and a movie afterward. He will appreciate you so much more if you let him have the honor of taking you out. He knows you can eat in the finest restaurants; that’s where all those successful older men can take you. But with him, it’s about just being together. It requires no fanfare. You like being with him, therefore location and atmosphere shouldn’t be your priority. If your younger man does happen to have money, by all means let him spend it on you. Men often express their feelings in this way. Say thank you, mean it and enjoy.
Don’t be a sugar mama, lest you lose self-respect and his respect. If this relationship started out as the real thing, it will be ruined by your playing that role. (You should be the recipient of gifts and presents—not him). Being a sugar mama removes you from the adored partner role and catapults you into a needy, desperate, ready-to-be-hurt caricature of an older woman.
Human nature is a strange thing. As much as we’d like to believe that we treasure and appreciate a giving heart, the fact is that, given the opportunity, most of us simply can’t control the urge to abuse.
I got tired of hearing him complain about the fact that he needed certain things: a calculator, new tires, etc. I finally went out and got them for him. I thought it would help him and reduce the complaining. Once I started this, he was like a bottomless pit—asking for more and more things.
It got to be a routine—then I felt used and set up. The relationship deteriorated from that point on. He actually appreciated me less, the more I gave to him.
Caroline (age 45)
Excessive giving on your part doesn’t necessarily indicate that you have a giving heart. It may mean that you are consciously or unconsciously trying to manipulate him. When a woman gives excessively, it is usually because she is afraid that she’s not good enough. She believes that if she can provide him with the objects or opportunities he so desperately wants or needs, he will stay.
Yes, he will stay for a while. He will probably also become moody, distant, petulant and demanding (like a child) and cajole her to continue giving him more to appease him and make him happy. An unhappy cycle of imbalance begins with the woman’s excessive giving. The man’s affections waver and she falls into a downward emotional spiral as she begins to doubt herself—and him.
We interviewed a wealthy woman from the West Coast who gave her very young boyfriend a Mercedes AND a gold Rolex watch. As a struggling actor, he couldn’t afford to maintain—let alone garage—the car so he sold it. He kept the watch, though, and it looked pretty classy on his wrist when he went out with other women. When he tired of sugar mama (because she gave too much), he settled down to marriage with a manicurist. But there’s good news here, too. His new wife was eighteen years older than he.
Tips for Gift Giving
Refrain From Giving Gifts of Any Kind During the Initial Courting Phase
This period is his opportunity to court you. Let him enjoy the experience. Don’t give him calendars, pens, magazines or CDs, even though you consider these to be mere trinkets. Do not set up the pattern that he is to be the recipient of gifts. If you do, you will pay for it repeatedly throughout the rest of the relationship. Yes, he probably could use a computer, car, credit card, new sofa, television set, bed, etc. So what? It’s not your job to provide them. Let him get them himself. Give him a chance to become the man you would like him to be.
Gift Giving Should be Reserved for Special Occasions Only (Birthdays, Christmas, etc.)
We do not recommend gift giving at all during the first three months of the relationship. If one of these occasions falls before the three-month period, send a card. This may sound extreme, but trust us. Wait, exercise self-restraint and look at the long-term goal. There is a delicate balance during the initial period of adjustment between you and your younger man. The behavior you establish today will directly affect your future happiness; it’s much better to encourage the expectation that you are the recipient of gifts rather than the other way around.
After the Initial Courting Phase (approximately the first three to six months) Gifts Are Fine
Here, too, use common sense and don’t go overboard. Use your knowledge of his needs and his interests in selecting creative (not expensive) gifts. It’s better to spend time and thoughtfulness rather than money. Several smaller gifts geared toward his special interests show that you care enough to acknowledge his passions. Collecting these items may take more time and demand some creativity on your part, but it will be worth it in the end.
While he is courting you, pay attention to and be respectful of his financial status. Let him take you out and treat you like his date. Remember that he follows the same rules as any other man who takes you out. You may be surprised by how much fun you can have going to the zoo or roller skating. Being open and flexible will pay off in unexpected ways.
What is Appropriate at Holiday Time and Special Occasions?
When Christmas and birthdays do roll around, don’t spend only in accordance with your income level, especially if it is higher than his. Spend approximately what he would on you. If you buy him lavish gifts priced well beyond what he can afford, it takes away the specialness of his gifts to you. Don’t rob him of his masculine role and certainly don’t rob him of his incentive. If the money is burning a hole in your wallet, take yourself to a day spa and spend it on pampering yourself. If you buy him expensive gifts, it burdens him with the pressure of having to buy you something extravagant just to keep up or save face. This will only build resentment.
When a man really loves you, he will save for months to get you something special. His biggest complaint will be that he didn’t know what to get you, because, to him, you already have everything. Tom, age twenty-four, bought Rita, age forty, a beautiful bronze statuette of a woman with a leopard caressing her leg like an adoring kitten. He told her that was how she looked to him, beautiful, gracious and elegant. Perhaps he saw himself as the smitten cat. An auto mechanic, Tom spent four months salary on that gift. He had struck a deal with the gallery owner to begin paying for it well before Christmas so that it could be under the tree in time. Would you spend four months salary on anyone? Probably not. Enjoy being the recipient; it’s a better position to be in.
Creative Gifts
Give him gifts that are either creative or experiential. Creative gifts (which take his interests and hobbies into account) might include a book on football, a video on bodybuilding, a subscription to a magazine he really likes or anything that shows that you’ve noticed what is important to him. After seven months of dating each other exclusively, Linda, forty-six, got Tony, twenty-nine, Christmas presents that reflected his many diverse interests: A CD for meditation, a book on the therapeutic use of herbs, an aromatherapy candle and a book on bodybuilding. It took her time to seek out each one of these items, but what it showed Tony was that she knew what was important to him and supported those things. He was very touched, as he was by the lovely card that she made for him.
Experiential Gifts
An experiential gift is simply an experience that you and your younger man can share. If you both enjoy hiking, how about spending a day in the country? Perhaps you could go on a picnic or spend an evening at the theater if there is a show you’re both eager to see. Go away for a weekend to some place romantic that he could not afford to take you, but where you would both like to go.
The experiential gift is a chance for you to enjoy your time together and to share a treasured experience. As we look back on our lives, it’s hard to remember every gift we’ve been given for holidays and special occasions. We do remember, however, our special experiences, like those great vacations or horseback riding trips on the beach or the way the sun set on that spectacular golf course by the ocean’s edge. Experiential gifts are planned and tailored not only to his special interests, but just as importantly, to yours. Do something that’s comfortable and fun for both of you. As far as embarking on a longer vacation together, we suggest that you consider it only after the relationship has been very well established and he is on an equal footing with you in terms of his commitment and contribution to the union.
The point is to minimize the discrepancy between your income and his. But if you are fortunate enough to have a younger man who is very successful, congratulations! You can still give him creative gifts that honor his uniqueness and areas of interest, as well as carefully thought out experiences. Remember, even if he is very substantial financially, that does not give you permission to shower him with gifts! Don’t take the privilege of being a woman away from yourself. Instead, give him the opportunity to experience a woman’s happy response to a generous man.
