Читать книгу Older Women, Younger Men - Felicia Brings - Страница 13
ОглавлениеI felt like a leper. I couldn’t believe the things that people thought they had the right to say to (not to mention, about) me.
Natalie (age 54)
From the macro to the micro, from the outer circle of the country club to the inner circle of the workplace, even to the innermost core of who you are, you will be judged. Some people will feel obliged to sit in judgment of an older woman who chooses her mate from among the pool of younger men. If there is any part of you that suffers from the need to people please or an excessive desire to fit in, you will undoubtedly be rigorously tested in this arena. The more conservative your environment, the more intense will be the judgment. The older, conservative woman who has always been something of a status symbol, the widely sought after guest at any party or social function, suddenly finds herself being judged and criticized and her reputation compromised. She is forced to pay a high price for walking her own walk.
Samantha was on everybody’s invitation list. She was tall, elegant, beautiful, sophisticated, world traveled and knew how to spend her sizable inheritance with style and dignity. Then she made the choice to live with Mark, a much younger man, at which point hardly anyone in her community would speak to her, much less invite her anywhere. Her phone stopped ringing and she found that she and her boyfriend were in a world of their own. This propelled Samantha into an inward journey where she had to reassess her values and standards regarding the meaning of friendship. Eventually, she developed a new set of friends and opened herself up to new options. She and her younger man are still together as a happy couple.
Although it may be difficult to endure, social censure will flush out not only your character weaknesses, but your false friends as well. Remember that by choosing to be in a serious relationship with a younger man you have made what is to some people a radical choice and this makes them very uncomfortable. Your choice forces them to consider or reconsider their own choices. You have deviated from the traditional path, which in some circles is akin to heresy.
They were probably jealous, but how hatefully they behaved. I knew that they envied me, but none of my female “peers” had the guts to actually do it. What hypocrisy! They would drool over the lifeguard at the pool and make sexual comments about attractive young men they saw, but when it came to living it out, they didn’t have the backbone to take the heat.
Lori (age 48)
Unfortunately, you take the hit. Tribal mentality is strong and can be hostile in its reaction to you. In these relationships, it’s your reputation at stake, not his.
I felt like a leper. I couldn’t believe the things that people thought they had the right to say to (not to mention, about) me. How dare they analyze, comment on or criticize my choice of partner. If he were my age or older, they would automatically be tactful and diplomatic. They would at least be polite. But somehow his being younger gave them permission to evaluate us as a couple. This would never happen to a man who chooses a younger woman.
Natalie (age 54)
I’m so tired of being judged. It hurts so much. Society—okay, fine, I understand. But when it comes to the subtle or overt put-downs from friends—I just go ballistic inside. Why is my choice inferior? I don’t need to sleep with some old guy on heart medication who can barely get it up because I need his money! I don’t need to be shown off at the opera, the theater. I can buy my own dinners and go wherever I want. So why in the world would I be “normal” or “acceptable” if I chose someone who has nothing I need?
It irritates me that people think there is automatically something wrong with a woman who doesn’t want to sleep with a man fifteen years her senior. And how do we treat a woman who behaves like men have for years? We tell her she’s sick. She needs to grow up. Do the right thing. Become socially acceptable. It’s an outrage.
Estelle (age 53)
Of course, when a man uses his abilities as a free thinker to make a radical choice, he is invariably called brilliant, dynamic, a lone wolf or a forceful decision-maker. As usual, however, when a woman makes a radical decision, she’s called things considerably less flattering. “Who does she think she is?” people ask. Her choice has offered up the possibility of a new option and this creates an uncomfortable tension in the existing consciousness. This tension frequently causes a push to evolve and grow, and change is something that we all have a tendency to resist.
We view the women we’ve researched as pioneers of a new movement in personal freedom. Making such a choice, both in the past and at this moment in our culture, requires some form of payment or sacrifice. This choice, therefore, demands high self-esteem. If you are strong enough and have enough self-confidence to choose what makes you happy, please do so. It helps to set everyone else free.
One way to survive is to recognize that the process of choosing personal freedom liberates you. It enables you to connect with your inner core of strength and recognize that solid place within where you truly reside. You will grow up. You will not be killed by any of this and you will surely become stronger because of it.
I had to really take a look at myself—there was so much backlash around our relationship. There were days when I really wondered if maybe I was sick or perverted. But I was so happy with Paul. I had to really focus on what was good for me—and he was good for me. But I got through it. I did eventually find peace within myself.
Ellen (age 60)
There are many different ways in which we learn life’s lessons. Sometimes we are confronted with situations through our work, our finances or through challenging health issues in which we are forced to stand up for ourselves and show who we really are. The more often we do this the more self-affirming we become.
When you choose to have a relationship with a much younger man, people will not only judge you, they will inevitably make some assumptions; the most common assumption is that you’re buying him for sex and that he’s using you for money. Sound familiar? Oddly enough, we have observed that the more serious the relationship, the more bizarre will be the assumptions.
This may well be the first younger man you’ve been with, but when described by others, it becomes a plural rather than a singular situation. “She sleeps with young men,” they will say or “She’s into young guys.” Suddenly they’ve got you with multiple sexual partners, as if you’ve hunted the supermarkets for stockboys and dragged them into a back room. Society at large seems to accept the notion of an older woman having a brief fling with the cute tennis pro or personal trainer, but can’t deal with them as an actual couple invested with love, respect, commitment, monogamy and devotion. That’s society’s problem and we don’t think it needs to become yours. We bring up these commonly held assumptions because it is only by being aware of them that we can resist the temptation to believe them ourselves.
What other people think, especially if the other people are a sizable majority, affects us. We may not consciously agree with them, but if they state their cases loudly and frequently enough they can make us doubt our own beliefs. We must actively resist this. Friends, family, neighbors and well-meaning associates may tell you that this relationship can’t work out; that he’s just using you, that he’ll dump you later for a younger woman or that you’re insane to believe that this is anything more than just a fling. We are all very vulnerable to the collective consciousness, because it activates our own deepest fears. If we buy into these beliefs to any degree, we will mistrust and doubt and ultimately end up sabotaging our relationship. We will have created a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Does the older man who is involved with a younger woman have to put up with all these doomsayers? Hardly! “Good for you,” the world says to him admiringly. Remember, by being involved in a relationship with a younger man we have made a life choice outside of the conventions of the tribe. Let’s not fall victim then to the pressures of tribal thinking and judgmental attitudes.
Keep in mind the dynamic that allows a younger woman to be attracted to a much older man. He may not have Tom Cruise’s looks, a tight, muscular body or a head full of thick, “I want-to-run-my-fingers-through-it” hair. What he does have (at least in her eyes) is power, sophistication, knowledge, life experience and vision. These are profoundly sexy attributes and we can certainly relate to how a younger woman would fall for a guy who embodies them. Why not allow ourselves to see that the reverse is equally true. We possess some or all of these qualities and young men think we’re exciting because of them. We just need to remember this a lot more often.
This was a strong, really powerful woman. She took no nonsense from anyone, she asked for what she wanted directly and she didn’t play any kinds of games. It totally turned me on. This woman’s power was so sexy to me. She had money, position, made choices that I could only describe as wise and she absolutely flaunted all of it. She was definitely the woman of my dreams.
Larry (age 27)
I was really taken with Liz. She was a complete woman—powerful, sexy and confident. I wanted everything to be perfect. This woman was so different from anyone else I was seeing—she had everything I was looking for and more.
Paul (age 40)
I’d been dating “throw-a-ways”—you know, the kind of girl you see a couple of times and that’s it. Then I met Paula. She was smart, cool and interesting. I could talk to her about anything. I never thought she’d take me seriously—as more than a friend. She could have any guy she wanted—why me?
Louis (age 29)
What to Do If You Are Being Judged:
Reassess your values.
If you find yourself the object of judgment and censure by your friends, we suggest you reassess your values. Are these the types of people you really want in your life? How important are these friendships if they don’t support you and your choices?
Do these friends really care about you?
Do these friends care about your happiness or do you make them uncomfortable because you no longer conform to their rules? Are they only “situational” friends—united by a common interest or activity? Determine if the benefits of such friendships are worth the time and effort to work things out.
If they are real friends, give them time.
There will certainly be those friends and family members who are concerned about this relationship of yours, but their intentions are to protect you from being hurt. If you feel that’s the case, give them time. As they witness the solidity of your relationship, they will probably come around and be accepting. However, those people who are not concerned about your happiness and are simply threatened by your choice will also reveal their attitudes in time. Listen to your inner feelings and respond accordingly.
Hold your head high.
We can’t emphasize strongly enough the importance of holding your head high in the face of social censure and criticism. You have done nothing wrong and nothing for which you should feel ashamed.
The thoughts you harbor about yourself and your relationship affect the thoughts and judgments of those around you. If you value yourself in the relationship and radiate pride in your partner, others will respond in kind. We’ve all heard the expression “As within, so without.” The more you feel secure and confident about your relationship, the more others will as well.
Back off.
If you find yourself excluded from the social scene of which you were once an active member, then back off graciously. Don’t try to push your way back in. Let them come to you, which they will very likely do in time. Their curiosity will see to that!
Don’t talk about it in detail.
Don’t talk excessively about your relationship. You think it’s great and of course you want to discuss the details, at least with other women. Use caution and common sense. Bite your tongue when in a non-accepting crowd. Information can become ammunition. Even if you were up until two in the morning basking in candlelight and hot oils for a night that you could swear created a tremor on the Richter scale, zip your lip. Be discreet. Some people will get jealous and twist every detail. Remember that you’re probably the only one in your group staying up all night romping around in bed. Don’t give others more fuel for their jealousy.
Be discreet regarding his employment.
Be discreet about what he does for a living if his career is not on an equal footing with your peer group. It’s more ammunition that could be used against you. “She’s living with an auto mechanic,” they might whisper among themselves (particularly if you are in a profession yourself). Even “He’s only in entry level sales” can be turned into a malicious remark.
Switch topics when necessary.
If people ask you direct and overly personal questions about the relationship, switch topics. “So, how are you and Jack doing? Does he still have that mistress in New York?” or “How’s the diet going—have you started it yet?” Such remarks will definitely turn the attention away from you—at least for a while.
Again, we want to remind you that real friends only care about your happiness. They may be initially cautious and hesitant about accepting your younger man. This is understandable. Give them the time and space to discover all the wonderful things that you love about him.
