Читать книгу Older Women, Younger Men - Felicia Brings - Страница 8

Introduction

What’s Your Fantasy?

“Share the fantasy,” the old Chanel television commercial used to say. We reveal our fantasies in those endless checklists we keep making to describe the men we’re looking for. You know the list we mean—the one that specifies that they must be attractive, kind, loyal, have a sense of humor, be faithful, professional, successful, affluent, intelligent, etc. Sounds familiar, doesn’t it? But is it realistic? Is this why we’re thirty-plus, forty-plus or fifty-plus and still looking? Hunting? Sometimes desperately? It’s time for a reality check. Such men probably don’t exist—and even if they did, they may not be looking for us!

To begin with, there are considerably fewer single, middle-aged men than women. Men who are widowed or divorced tend to re-couple quickly. Furthermore, the men who are single and available are often looking for women who are ten to fifteen years younger than they are (the trophy wife).

Certainly nobody should end up with a man who isn’t loving, kind, faithful, honest and sexy. But some of our other demands and expectations need to be re-examined—not with a cynical eye, but with an open one (or two if we want to see clearly).

Born Again (This Time Without the Old Expectations)

As was the case with our beliefs in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny, letting go of our old ideologies about how things should be is a necessary part of growing up. We should, in fact, be used to relinquishing the past by now, considering how much has already changed in our lives since those expectations were originally formed. Some of us watched television shows with role models that shaped our thinking: The Donna Reed Show, Ozzie and Harriet and Father Knows Best, while others saw The Brady Bunch, Family Ties and Happy Days. Despite those falling for Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire, women were changed by the feminist movement and contemporary life. This isn’t a complaint, mind you. It’s a good thing, but in the new millennium some other old patterns of belief and expectation must be exorcised before we can really come into our own. Powerful, independent AND a goddess is a brand new archetype that’s emerged fairly late in most of our lives, so we have no solid role models (except maybe Xena the Warrior Princess, but because of television mores she is portrayed by a very young woman).

Most of us don’t really expect a man to support us anymore. Still, we cling to the belief that he has to be a traditional peer in other ways. We want him to be intelligent and have a good (read “well-paying”) job. We want him to be an “equal.” But why? You might be amazed at the number of female lawyers, doctors and advertising executives whose construction worker, firefighter and cable repairman companions are making them happy and serene. Did we say companions instead of husbands? The need to be married is another belief that might, under scrutiny, be worthy of challenging. Don’t panic! We are not saying don’t get married. If you want to be married, you certainly have our blessings. It’s just that if you’re in your forties, fifties or beyond and you don’t want more children, you might want to consider creating a committed, monogamous relationship with a man which doesn’t necessarily involve the sharing of all your hard-won assets. Why create baggage? Haven’t yours weighted you down in the past? Once again, let us remind you that we’re not against marriage or even joint checking accounts. We are simply reminding you that other options exist and that modern women don’t have to be locked into old patterns.

New family blueprints are entering the social consciousness at an amazing rate: single parent families, step-families, gay and lesbian couples-with-children families, interracial families and others. Remember, too, that each of these increasingly viable and acceptable families was initially met with scorn, social ostracism, criticism and family disapproval. That’s how it is and that’s just tough if you disagree, these new groups seem to be saying to the world. We’re here and you’d just better accept us. Slowly but surely, most of us are accepting them. We are evolving, and that is why we need to examine the relationships of committed older women and younger men who are opting for ongoing romance. This type of relationship is simply another option for your consideration. It is, however, a different ballgame and does, very definitely, require an entirely new set of rules.

I’m Not Cher or Raquel. It’s Not for Me!

What we want is often shaped by what we believe we can get. Men, no matter how out of shape, bald, impotent or poorly dressed, always seem to think of themselves as God’s gifts to women. But even the most beautiful woman will question and doubt her desirability because she’s not a size six or because she’s no longer twenty-six. No wonder we accept and easily take for granted the older man/younger woman combination. Older men have no problem believing that they can attract much younger women and so they often do. Older women question their ability to attract younger men (“What would he want with me?”) and so they habitually overlook or ignore a fertile land of relationship opportunity.

When we examine our fears in the light, we might just see that they are merely thought forms and not necessarily based in reality. For example: “I’m afraid a younger man will leave me” or “When I’m sixty and he’s forty-five, he’ll want a younger woman” or “Won’t he be turned off by the changes in my body?”

Yes. No. Maybe. There are no guarantees, after all. Look at the marriages between men and women close in age that end in divorce because the man left the woman for these or other reasons. It does happen. Maybe you will want to leave him. That happens, too. There are no guarantees—not for you and not for your twenty-five-year-old daughter who’s probably marrying (or living with) a guy close to her age. Keep in mind that women today are not the way women used to be. We are more independent. We work out, eat healthfully and take care of our inner and outer selves. We are a new breed. The women’s movement has forced us to evolve, more so and at a much faster pace than men. Older women today are younger in heart, mind and spirit than our male counterparts. In fact, we have few male counterparts except perhaps among younger men.

What more and more older women are now discovering is that younger men often are as attracted to us as we are to them. It is a different game, however, and new rules apply, as do new expectations. There are things we need to let go of and things we need to open up to. Don’t worry, we’ll guide you. We have learned them through our own experiences as well as those of our friends and acquaintances. One more thing. We don’t consider fewer than ten years a significant age difference. If you’re fifty and he’s forty-two, you’re actually pretty evenly matched and we don’t think that counts. Ten years or more is when it gets interesting, challenging and, most of all, very rewarding.

The Perks of Empowerment

There is nothing like watching a friend come to life and sparkle when she’s in love. However, that sparkle transforms into a neon light when the object of her affection is a younger man. Men have always been allowed to experience this feeling as they’ve pranced around with beautiful, young things on their arms. “She makes me feel young again,” he says, gazing at her lovingly.

We have seen women appear to reverse in age by ten, fifteen and even twenty years and radiate the most exciting, youthful, joyous outlook on life simply because their mate was ten, fifteen or twenty years younger. It’s as though they are reliving a part of their lives that they didn’t do justice to at the time. Perhaps they were involved with raising their children, helping support a man’s career or working on their own career and simply experienced those hectic years on automatic pilot. The women we’ve met who have retrieved the joys of those years through their relationships with younger men are stable, rational, well adjusted, financially secure, intelligent and successful. They have their own status, their own money and their own identity.

Having always made choices for a particular set of reasons, we are free now to see if those reasons are still appropriate for future choices. We no longer have to choose a man because he’s a good provider. We have learned to provide for our children and ourselves. We need not choose a man because of his status—we have our own. We have carved out our own social position and can create our own opportunities. We have often, in the past, relied on men for these things. A lot of the second marriages we’ve seen were also determined by the man’s ability to adequately provide for the woman’s children. Once again, the woman may have chosen not for herself, but for the security of her children. She has, once again, sacrificed herself. When the children are grown and the woman finds herself single again, she can now, perhaps for the first time in her life, make a choice that suits her, a choice based on what she wants rather than what she needs.

The good news is that cooking dinner is no longer a prerequisite task for wives. We no longer even have to raise children if this is not our path. Many of the things that seemed mandatory in the past have now become options. When we release our embarrassment and discomfort about admitting to the world that we are attracted to and/or have serious feelings about much younger men, we begin to see that the pool of available partners widens considerably. The parameters of choice expand when vistas open and when our needs are no longer financial, social or childbearing.

Older women/younger men relationships are a lot more prevalent than many people think. Because society still views them as inappropriate, unacceptable, tawdry or otherwise taboo, they tend to be hidden, not talked about much and often sneered at. They are not considered to be “A-list” relationships.

Too often these relationships are met with extreme criticism, censure and scorn, and are rejected by the couple’s friends and family members. Too often these couples have been made to suffer for making non-traditional choices. If our purpose in life is—as we believe it to be—to give and receive love, that hostility needs to be released. None of us should have to suffer simply because we have chosen to love someone. This book is our contribution in support of our belief that this world needs more love in it, not less. For those who must project anger, censure, disapproval and rejection, let them aim it at the murderers, rapists and drunk drivers of the world rather than at people who simply choose to love one another.

Our own experiences, as well as those of many of our friends and acquaintances who are of mixed ages, tell us that these are very viable relationships and stand as good a chance as any to succeed over time. In conducting our research for this book, we have spoken to over two hundred individuals, including committed couples in which the woman was ten or more years older than the man. Both of us wished that we’d had the benefit of knowing these couples and learning from their experiences years ago so that we might have had more guidance for ourselves. These types of relationships are a newly emerging archetype in our society and we believe they need to be addressed and explored.

While we are not advocating romantic relationships between older women and younger men as a lifestyle for everyone, we are acknowledging the need for a manual—a guide to what to expect and how to handle some predictable situations. We would like to see more women expand their relationship options and we want to share what we’ve learned, sometimes pleasantly and sometimes painfully. We want to shed light on the pitfalls as well as the perks of these relationships. We want to walk women through the existing minefields, empowering them to release their fears and false beliefs in order to consciously make choices that suit them. If we advocate anything, it is opening yourself to more love, greater happiness and inner peace.

So hang in there as we take you through this brave new world of relationship potential. It’s a ride you may well be sorry to have missed…so far. However, now that you’re reading this book, we hope getting older becomes about increasing—not diminishing—the joys life holds in store for you.