Читать книгу The secret faces of her - Hanadi A. Luethi - Страница 7

Is it really worth it?

The people of the island gathered at the shore, They saw him standing near his boat gazing at the waves diving deep in thoughts. They hoped that something will happen to change his mind but it seemed that nothing did.

Many brought water and food and started to load the boat with the maximum they could and they were concerned that he can’t carry enough to help to survive through this risky trip because above all nobody was sure how long it will take him to find her, this if he ever would. The leaders of every tribe hurried to provide him with all what they knew about her whether it was true or false, as the legends said, the seeker of her must leave couple of hours before the sun sets and is required to stay awake the entire first night. They reminded him that it will be the most difficult part of his trip, challenges may appear to test his bravery and his will, thoughts will attack him to step back and regret. One more thing they all pressed on, after a certain point there will be no chance for a return. He listened to all what they said and tried to sooth the sorrows aching their hearts before he sailed away and in silent tears he waved saying good bye. Some prayed for him to stay safe while others could do nothing but to cry their hearts out, the separation from him was indeed the most harshest thing. Few cheered in encouragement shouting loud that they all wait for him to keep his promise and come back. The distance between them and him grew larger and soon the island started to vanish from his sight. He recalled a prayer that the fishermen used to say when embarked on their ships before they sailed deeper into the deep waters, a prayer for good luck and a satisfying outcome and prevention from undesired events. He gazed at the skies and said, “I have left my home and my people in your mercy and care. I ask you with humbleness to help me fulfil my goal and to protect my soul”. He couldn’t deny the sudden sadness he felt for leaving the home that he never dared to think to be away from, the home he loved with his every bit. But to fulfil what he seeks he must not let emotions take control of his mind, at least for the moment.

The waves were kind and the wind smoothly drifted him away, the leaders of the tribe told him that he must not think of taking a certain direction at all. They said that he must put trust in fate and it will take him where he shall go. The sun disappeared in the horizon leaving no traces at all, he lit an oil lamp and reached for a piece of bread and dipped it in some olive oil seasoned with salt. He felt peaceful and calm hearing nothing except the sound of the waves batting on the sides of his boat. The night fell covering the waters and the skies making them unite, the delicate new moon reflecting on the tips of the waves not revealing much but elegantly distinguishing which one was what. He laid back at the floor of his boat starring at the clouds as their shapes changed and he started to play a game he used to enjoy as a little child. He imagined faces, figures and shapes reforming as these velvety pieces of cotton like slowly moved. For a second it came back to his mind his picture as little infant laying on his back in his basket in the dark left totally alone. This time he was not scared and the boat he built with his own hands years ago is what carried him. This time he is the one who has chosen to be alone leaving to search for the answers and the truth.

He forced his eyes to remain open fighting the exhaustion, he must not sleep to follow the advice for the first night as he was told. He didn’t know how much time has passed but all he could feel is that everything around him and in him seemed endless of some kind. Nothing had limits at all. He found himself falling in thoughts, many of them appeared and disappeared in no time, the most were terrifying and very few held a glimpse of hope. Feelings and reflections of his mind started to fight together as if one must conquer the other and take the charge. He tried to comprehend what was going on with him but it was so hard and the struggle became so tense, he felt like melting down and cry then he remembered what he was told and ordered himself to remain strong. This must be the battle they said he might face to affect his will and change his heart. He smiled at receiving the first sign to be probably in the right direction and on the desired track. This is the test or the trick, in both cases he won’t allow himself to fail and he acknowledged that this is the point which if he crossed there will be no return.

Finally a fragile light started to break into the skies, he lost the count of how many times his eyes would shut and he would panic waking himself up. The dawn arrived with a relief and he looked forward for taking a long deep sleep after he passed the most difficult part. He took a place in the small shadow under the sail after he tied the ropes well then he dropped on the floor covering his body and face with his cloak. Although he felt hunger and thirst but these have become his last concerns, he needed to rest and silently wished that he would wake up to find himself with her. He gave up to sleep hoping to fast forward the time. A high buzz in his ears appeared and a terrible headache made him turn many times, he did his best to ignore this painful discomfort for the sake of gathering some power again. But to his misfortune this was only the beginning of his day. Soon the dryness scratched his throat and the burning sun neither left him alone nor left him a place to hide. Last night he shivered in cold and now he is covered in heavy sweat wetting his clothes, he angrily kicked his cloak away and grabbed the water drinking generously while he checked the surroundings. It was like the sun intentionally reflected all its heat mirroring it focusing only on him. He was about to pour some water in his hand to freshen up his face but quickly he stopped deciding to use what is left wisely, no one knows when she will find him and he started to be very uncertain if he could find her.

He walked to the front of his humble boat shadowing his eyes with his hands looking far hoping to see anything or anyone or a sign of life but there were none. It was only him, the open skies with the cruel sun and the endless sea but nothing else. He gulped the rest of the water in one go, he couldn’t take it anymore, he looked in his sack searching for a piece of bread and some fruits, he ate even though he had no appetite. “What have I done to myself?” The question that nagged him the entire previous night appeared again insisting to hear an answer from him. “I should have thought carefully about leaving home, what I have rushed myself into” He blamed himself. “What got into me! I am always vigilant of everything” He spoke loud at himself in anger and disbelief, “How could I leave without giving it even a second thought”. The blame didn’t stop and regret soared. “Look at me…” He shook his head laughing furiously at himself as the sun started to subside inviting the moon to take place. “I am here in the middle of nothing, of nowhere. I am exhausted failing to grasp a logical thought… logical?” He pitifully repeated again. “Nothing is rational since the beginning of my life till this day… How foolish I am to think that I am able to find a woman who may not exist and above all, I truly believed that she has the answer to everything!… An idiot travels to meet with a legendary nonsense!”

He kept talking to himself pacing in his boat back and forth knowing that he was heading to nowhere to meet with no one. He turned the water jar upside down and shook it above his mouth sucking the last drops and as he done so, a strong wind blew adding to his despair as if the entire universe laughed hard at the joke he was. The wind grew wilder moving violently the sail, he heard wood cracking and hurried to sit covering his head with his arms. A terrifying sound of thunder emerged and the lightning he could see through his closed eyes. Scared to death, his boat started to shake turning from one side to the other as if a cruel mother rocked her loathed child. Sudden drops of rain started falling like bullets aiming from the skies, nature has turned into an immense terrible beast which he knew he won’t be able to fight. Water entered the boat reaching to his ankles making him shiver helplessly thinking for any way out. The waves and the rain decided to wrap around him and they were harsher than the piece of cloth he was found abandoned in. He tried to find something to empty the boat but he couldn’t even stand and his head dreadfully turned. He knew now why no one from those who left to find her never returned.

At this point he didn’t mind to die, in fact, he felt relieved surrendering to this fact. Anyway, being lost for years has been some sort of slow bitter death for him.