Читать книгу The secret faces of her - Hanadi A. Luethi - Страница 8

Two sides

He opened his eyes to see nothing but darkness and he believed that he passed into another world. Gentle whistles of birds and the sound of soothing waves still played in his mind. “Don’t worry. You are fine” A heavenly voice whispered comforting as he was diving deeper in the darkness surrounding him, disconnecting from everything even from himself and the new world he found himself in. “Till tomorrow” That same voice said sounding much more far away.

Melodies of Mandolin caressed his ears taking him back to some old but not forgotten memories. This is the first instrument he learned and loved much, his mother taught him playing it. After she died he stopped even touching it and he had chosen the flute instead. The flute was his friend which he expressed his unspoken feelings through and the thoughts he couldn’t say out loud, even to himself. He felt pain, strange kind of pain, how could he feel as such when he is dead! He used to believe that when people went to the other world they don’t feel pain except if they are in the place he never wished to be in.

“Try” the heavenly voice gently said but this time it was close.

“Try what?” He asked.

“To open up your eyes” The voice kindly replied.

“I can’t” He said resisting the thought that he was still alive.

“You can but you don’t want to” The voice firmly said but he heard a smile in it.

He hesitated, it felt better to believe that he no longer lived. Closing his eyes protected him and if he had to open them he might have to face something that he was not willing or wishing to know about.

“Try” The voice smoothly repeated but nevertheless he ignored what it said but when some time passed and silence was the only thing he heard, he got scared and obeyed out of fear and curiousness. He did against his desire and anyway trying to escape from reality won’t solve anything, he tried that for almost all of his life and it didn’t work. Whether he is alive or dead he must accept and deal with it. He forced his eyes to open and to his shock he still couldn’t see clearly, it was dark and his eyes captured shadows but that was it.

He heard the voice laughing before it said, “This always happens at the beginning, it always happens to those who has chosen to shut their eyes for very long”.

“Long?” He wondered to himself, he remembers being alive just few hours ago or may be even less or perhaps he died since days, months or years, he couldn’t tell.

He tried to focus hoping to see better or at least to grasp the features of that person speaking to him. Her voice sounded fresh and young, firm but kind, a charming tone filled with authority.

“Where Am I? …And who are you?” He worriedly asked.

“You are where you wanted to be and I am the one who you wished to meet” She answered and his heart beat faster confirming that he was not dead. He was still alive but perhaps this is a dream. Before he was about to ask another question she gently said, “I prepared for you something warm, you need it after all what you have gone through”.

He felt her arm around his shoulder pulling him slowly to sit up, her perfume was astonishingly familiar that he couldn’t help but to guess where he smelled it before. He felt his heart nearly stopping when he remembered the person who wore that same scent, it was his birth mother who abandoned him. How could he still remember this when the last time he was in her arms he was only few weeks old.

“I know…” She said giggling, “This too happens, we must get to the story from the beginning and we all need to comfort ourselves, don’t we?” She gently explained.

Her words bewildered him but nevertheless the tranquility she spread had much stronger effect. Frightfully but calmly he asked, “Am I going to be able to see again?”

“It is all in your hands. When you truly want, you will” She replied as he felt something touching his lips. The steam carried lightly a refreshing smell. For the first time he couldn’t distinguish the flavours touching his tongue but the persistent taste that hit was the very sweetness of pure honey. With the second swig he felt like a current going through his body bringing him back to life, the life he believed was not worth living. Wonders started to fill up his mind, she truly did found him, she is not a legend but anything else and now he is more curious than ever to know about her reality. Doubts too crawled into his heart, how could she stay alive for that long. Is she some kind of evil or a witch like some said or an angel like others believed, perhaps she is none of that or she is much more. What if she is a kind of being that neither his people nor he never knew of? He didn’t know and he was eager to understand but for the moment what mattered the most is that she truly exists.

He felt her arm gradually pulling away after he finished that drink she gave him and he wondered how much time she spent by his side while he was diving far in his mind. He realised faintly that her shadow was drifting away from him, “Are you leaving me?” He screamed asking forcing his eyes to see better. “Where are you going? I can’t stay here alone! I don’t know even where I am!”

“I told you, it is all in your hands…” He heard her voice echoing from far.

“What does that mean?” He shouted louder hoping she still can hear him. He got frustrated, angry when he got no response, “Nothing is in my hands, can’t you see the state I am in. I can’t even see clearly anything” He kept screaming but nothing else he could hear except his own voice.

He hated to be in need of someone and he lived promising himself to be the one who is needed all the time. In fact, the way she ignored him drove him in rage. The last time he got neglected and felt hurt from disrespect was that night he was abandoned and since then he never ever tasted that bitterness again. The amount of fear and pain he had to deal with on his boat against the monstrous skies and the ghastly waves is nothing compared to the humiliation he felt been disregarded by her in this way. No one is allowed to hurt his pride including her. He started to think that this is all wrong, surely she knows that he desperately needed her otherwise why would he risk his life in this crazy way. But she can dream on if she believes that he will run begging her. He wanted to leave and return home, this seems to be the most rightful decision he will ever make in his life. Continuous thoughts rushed in his mind putting him in silence that he wasn’t willing to break.

He was worn out, drained and his body ached leaving his soul in great pain. The struggle was too much to bear but the only thing he was sure about is that he was not going to give up to some foolish decision again. He reflected over and over again on the gruesome situation he was in just like he did on his boat before he collapsed. The pain he felt confirmed that he was still alive but this time he doesn’t want to die, he has to survive. He promised his people to return and he will keep his promise no matter what happens and what it takes. But, to the irony of these firm strong thoughts he actually was too weak to move let alone his inability to see nothing at all. He surrendered to sleep challenging this agony as it challenged him.

She sang and her voice was vastly enchanting waking his ears, to his surprise he opened his eyes and he could see clearly. He hurried to stand on his feet patting on his arms, legs and stumping his feet on the ground to make sure that what he is going through is real. It didn’t take but just few seconds till he realised the marvellous place surrounding him, he walked few steps checking once more the veracity of what his eyes saw. Calm blue waves approaching gently the white sand which spread as far as his eyes could reach. Cool breeze and birds floating peacefully over the sea and when he turned there were everywhere large glorious palms and trees. Strange enough, he felt familiarity with this place even though he was sure that he never put a foot in it before. He wondered, in which part of the world he might be.

“Where is my boat?” Suddenly the question screamed in his head, he looked far in the sea and ran along the shore hoping to find it. He made a decision the night before that he will return home but how could he when the only chance was lost or crashed, but this is not all what he thought of that made him laugh at this misery he caused himself. He didn’t even know how he got there or where he is, he had no clue where his home island can be. He dropped himself on the sand in despair, his people said that after a certain point there is no return, the purpose must be fulfilled and the journey has to be made and it seems that they were right.

Her singing found its way back to his ears and he couldn’t deny the sweetness of it but where is she and why she didn’t go to check on him like she did before. Although he was still angry and depressed by the turn of these horrible events but nevertheless he decided to follow her enchanting melodies, at least, he could see her before hopefully and somehow he finds a way out of all this.

His steps got heavier the more he got closer to her till he speechlessly stopped gazing at what all the words would fail to express. She sat on a rock brushing her long golden hair running her delicate fingers through it with a heart taking smile, the waves of her satin hair sparkled under the warm sun making his heart smile. Her dress was the most elegant he had ever seen and when he focused a bit he realised that it was very much similar to the garment he had always received as gift for his birthday except that it was designed with more precise details, and surely it seemed to be made of much finer fabrics too. He thought to approach her but before he says a word, she turned slightly her face in his direction with the most innocent smile, “What brought you here?” She asked as he struggled to find the words.

“I… I was not looking for you. In fact, I woke up and I realised that I feel good. I went looking for… I decided to…” He tumbled on the words. He wasn’t willing to change the decision he made and he didn’t want to forget the way she neglected him. And above all, he wouldn’t give her the chance to think that her beauty can change a real man's heart like his.

“What brought you here” She repeated asking looking into his eyes which were trying to escape hers.

He closed his eyes taking a deep breath, trying to control his nerves. Hasn’t he just answered this! Or wasn’t he clear enough? Perhaps he was not or may be she meant to ask about the reason why he risked his life to meet with her. May be this is what she wanted to know but if so, how did they say that she knows everything. He started to doubt what he was told about her, may be she doesn’t have that extreme clairvoyance like his people believe and it could be that she doesn’t own those super powers like everybody thinks. But what annoyed him the most is that the conversation with her was kind of weird, she spoke short unexplained sentences leaving him to wonder and guess.

“What brought you here?” She asked again but this time she was standing facing him, the look in her eyes was as if she dared him to speak, to tell out loud what is going on in his mind.

He took another deep breath before he said, “I have many questions that I seek the answer for… I believe there is a great danger hiding in the future folds. They told me that you…”

“Shsh…” She whispered touching his lips demanding not to talk furthermore. He wasn’t only embarrassed but got even more confused. She asked him many times forcing to hear an answer and when he talks she stops him from doing so. Why is she treating him this way! Angrily he thought.

“I will pretend that I didn’t hear a word from what you just said and I ask you to allow us both to do something important before we continue our talk” The authority in her voice disappeared, she sounded like begging and not ordering at all and this softened his heart a bit. “Trust me, we must do this together now” She added and he nodded agreeing seeing her smile return. The mysterious way she spoke and the whispers of secrecy hidden in her voice drove him curious to know and discover her more.

She turned and walked into the forest and he followed her glancing around, admiring silently the beautiful nature and after a short while they were standing before what looked like a house, a noticeably small house. He couldn’t clearly see it as climbing plants and branches covered almost all of it.

“Is that your house?” He asked looking closely at it. He could barely see the walls and it was strange to see them made out of what seemed like glass. Glass? He wondered giving it a second look thinking of how a house like this can stand the cruel conditions of the wilderness. Why glass! He never heard or seen of something like this before.

While he was busy wondering, she kept clearing leaves and dirt from a particular side of one wall. She gestured to him to come close then dusted off her hands with a smile.

“That looks like a door” He said surprised.

“Before we enter I want you to remember not to touch anything in there, no matter if it attracts you or how it makes you feel” She ordered firmly and went in this strange house.

He found himself with no other choice but to follow her steps, still slightly hesitant alarmed by her odd request but in no time he was taken away by many other things. He shook his head in disbelief, he wasn’t expecting to see what his eyes were seeing and surely he would have never guessed the way this place looks inside. The first thing that grabbed his attention was a scent that reminded him with many sweet loving memories, it was typical as the incense his mother loved to burn back home at his island. She told him that those incense were hand made and she and few others learned this craft from their ancestors and it was handed from a generation to another over the countless years. She also said that they work like magic in relaxing the mind drawing positive energies, she always laughed after she said this and added “The mind is what recognises the scents, Scents don’t recognise the minds so always make time to recognise the blessings you have got”.

He smiled recalling back her precious words as they both walked as slow as they could, the house was packed filled with details that his eyes were not able to capture at once. A book caught his eyes and he hurried to pick it up but soon he remembered the rules or what he preferred to call as a request. His hands stopped but nevertheless his heart smiled, it was the first book he ever read on his own as a child and before he drifts into another memory he realised an old piece of paper which he knew well. Written on it one of the poems he created himself, particularly this poem has always had a special place in his heart. He glanced at her as she lead the way in quietness as if giving him the chance to remember, cherish and recognise all his dear memories and the life he had back home at his island. After few more steps he found himself starring at his flute, it was his flute he was sure, he engraved this symbol of an eye at the back of it in a way that no one would notice. The eye for him is a symbol of the gate to one’s soul and it is the key to the truth but ironically, whenever he played the flute, his fingers had to be placed on top of that eye covering it. He missed the times he spent with his flute, it gifted him the most peaceful moments of his life.

Tranquil sensation ran through his soul, everything in this place was belonging to him and has a precious bond and meaning to his life. But how could she posses all this? How did she get them and since when? His body shivered and before he decided to ask her, he saw her approaching another door that was located at the end of the house and he knew that the time arrived for them to walk out but before they did there was something that made his heart drop. His infancy basket was at a corner nicely polished with bright white sheepskin placed inside, it looked brand new as if it was never used or touched and seeing it in this lovely state made him smile. He saw her stepping out of the house and he hurried behind her. Many questions filled his mind and he needed them all to be answered, “How could you get my belongings here and how did you know that these are the most dearest to me?” He carved to know but she didn’t answer and he was not sure if she didn’t hear him or she decided to ignore like she did the other night. How could she be so tender, caring and sweet one moment and the other turns to be completely the opposite.

He was about to burst in anger but he suddenly realised something really odd, that house from the outside looked much smaller than how it actually felt in the inside. In addition to that, whenever he looked over his head the ceiling was so high that he felt that it was reaching to the skies but now… the house before his eyes looks like a box thrown in the middle of the sea.

“How come…” He raised his voice hoping she would answer but she interrupted him smiling before he finishes the sentence, “We are not done yet” She pointed. He walked next to her to see what they should be doing next but to his shock, she took him back to the house door again which was weirdly closed covered with thick layers of mud and dust and tangled branches. He was shocked, the door looked as if it was never opened just a while ago and seeing this froze him in place. He watched her puzzled as she cleaned and cleared everything once more and then she opened it again. He shook his head feeling he was on the verse of madness. This time the door didn’t open as easy as it did the first time, she kept pushing it leaning with all her weight and it looked like it was terribly stuck from the back as if someone was trying to prevent them from opening it. She glanced at him and he hurried helping, “What is going on with me!” He thought to himself trying to brush away this state of confusion that took over him. “Since when I let a lady to struggle like this without giving her immediately a hand without even asking” He shook his head blaming himself.

“I apologise” He gently said and gestured for her to stand on the side. With all the power he got he pushed the door hoping that the whole house won’t fall over their heads, he closed tightly his eyes and pushed once more. The door got finally open and she ran inside from under his arms, he panicked thinking that something was about to fall and he threw himself in too.

He heard a loud bang and when he looked back he found the door shut behind them again. He did not understand, how on earth this fragile glass house has not yet crashed and why they have to enter the house again but anyway, he must wait till they are done as she said and probably then he will come to comprehend everything. Once his thoughts settled he started to recognise the situation he was in and immediately turned to escape but to his horror the door which he heard getting shut was no longer there, like it vanished or never existed at the first place. Instead of the door there was a wall, a thick hard wall. He kept in his breath, he couldn’t inhale that humid rotten air and he was terrified to take any step as he had a feeling that he might stumble upon something dead. He barely could see anything, he realised fainted rays of almost no light on few spots here and there. In disbelief he glanced behind once more, there is no door and there is no light, it is impossible that this is the same house they entered before, his mind raced to understand what is going on. He knew that he must walk to pass to the other door and just get out but, where is she? Where did she go?… “Hello” He called but as he expected he heard no answer and that was not the worst thing happening, he needed desperately to leave this place and as soon as he can.

He slid his feet on the floor as he heard the sounds of cracking coming from everywhere including the ceiling that was too close to his head and the walls that isolated him from the world. He saw the book of his childhood again, it was still there but covered with dust and the pages were yellow stained and together stuck. It was sad, so sad to see it in such state. It was a gift of his mother and he missed her warmth and wise words. He tried his best to stay strong and to accept the fact of her death but he failed and he kept that failure as a secret to himself. He would act strong and speak to his people with perception and in sageness but none of them ever knew how lonely and hurt he felt deep down. The paper with poem was also there, his dear poem about love and peace. It was admired by everyone and the sighs loudly echoed when he performed reading it to the crowd, the deepness of the meanings touched their hearts and the twists between the lines amazed their minds. None of them knew how much he suffered, wondering alone about the reality of peace and love as he wrote the words. In that poem there are hidden senses and cloistered hints which he is the only one who knew. Somehow he felt that the next thing his eyes will fall on will be his flute and it was there covered in spiderwebs, tears clouded his eyes as this reminded him of how many things he kept only to himself and lived doing his best just to bury them. The exit door finally appeared and he ran to get out of this place but he wouldn’t help not to glance on his basket which he knew would be at the same corner where he saw it before. He wiped his tears seeing it smashed turned upside down as if it was meant to be a coffin for who lays inside. He vented out of the door and it took him long minutes before he could catch his breath and fill his lungs with the pure air of the present moment in real life. The sudden light hurt his eyes but nevertheless he was glad to see it again. Being in this house for the second time felt like he was having a nightmare with wide open eye and he couldn’t wake up from it.

He saw her walking away from that creepy place heading towards the shore again. He rushed behind her as if afraid that something will appear out of no where and brings him back in there and when he got far enough he stopped and caught his breath once more. He tried to get himself together before he talks with her, although nothing from what has just happened could be comprehended by anyone but he must at least try to show that he is accepting and is serious about knowing everything. He looked back at the horror house giving it a last glance but there was nothing behind, nothing but dry leaves covering the ground.